Step son was leaving for school this morning 0640 and saw a neighbor on the ground at bottom of the stairs in front of his house. He was unresponsive, step son came and got us (wife is a ER triage NP.. been in ER for 30yrs) She checked the obvious, called 911. I started to get in touch with his family, sister, daughter brother, ex wife through other I figured knew how to get ahold of them. I stayed until coroner, initial investigations and aspects were concluding

Step son is shook up pretty bad as it’s his first experience with an abrupt death of someone he knew well. He scheduled an appt with his therapist for today, the Police District Chaplain spoke with him

The neighbor just turned 56 a couple weeks ago. Super hard working guy. Union welder by trade and independent fisherman/crabber

I’m still digesting myself as we’d been friends for about the last 15yrs. Not my first experience with death thankfully. Working on relieving the family of some misc stuff so they don’t have to worry, they have enough to deal with , Airbnb, running 200 traps that are out

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. What to say, what not to say with step son

Thanks

This message has been edited. Last edited by: snwghst,

First, I am so sorry for your loss of a friend and what your and his family are going/going to go through.

I do have a question: I don't know what you mean by" "What to do, now what to do with step son".

From the title it seems like you ARE asking about what to tell your step son, but that sentence says, maybe not and that YOU are the one shook up needing advise.

Anyway, my advice is the same: find an actual person to talk this out with who is a good listener. If this is for your step son, please get a good therapist (which it seems you have done). If it's you, find someone who you can just talk this out with ASAP. Talk about the guy, what you liked about him. Tell stories about him and the fun times you had together. Curse the unfairness of it that fuckholes get to breath air and this guy is gone. Repeat as many times as necessary until you feel you're "good".

When the angel of death brushes her wings against your face and you see her work, especially with someone very like you, you need to talk it out with someone who listens. While no one knows when their time is, we ALL need to live with the (possible) fiction that it's not going to be today (resetting each day) for me, or my family, or my friends.

And understand that it COULD BE today, and make sure that you don't leave unsaid the things that need saying.

17? Be straight and honest about how you feel and how it is affecting you.

quote:

Originally posted by Loswsmith:
First, I am so sorry for your loss of a friend and what your and his family are going/going to go through.

I do have a question: I don't know what you mean by" "What to do, now what to do with step son".

From the title it seems like you ARE asking about what to tell your step son, but that sentence says, maybe not and that YOU are the one shook up needing advise.
.

Thank you. I wasn’t clear. I edited “what to say, what not to say”

You are already doing the right things. Keep doing them and be there for him. He won't ever forget this day, but he will be okay. It's probably helpful for him to go to the funeral. If the family is a kind family, I would hope someone would thank him for being there and trying to help and that might make him feel a little better.

As someone who has unfortunately dealt with a lot of death over the years, talking about it is the best way to get past it. He needs to talk about it rather than keep it in. Talking to him about how you feel about it and allowing yourself to show that emotion is okay will be huge for him. Talk to him directly and if he's still bothered by it then have him talk to a therapist or a student peer counselor.

Do you have a faith relationship of any kind? This is the kind of stuff where elder pastors are very valuable. (Different matter, but once my pastor pointed out that he has been a pastor since I was two, it helped me realize that I could be open with him.)

quote:

Originally posted by Aglifter:
Do you have a faith relationship of any kind? This is the kind of stuff where elder pastors are very valuable. (Different matter, but once my pastor pointed out that he has been a pastor since I was two, it helped me realize that I could be open with him.)

He spoke with a Chaplain and therapist today. Also attends a Catholic High School so has Clergy readily available to speak with

Everyone dies. The neighbor may have lived a hard life or had some once in a 100 years event(struck by lightning).

Death used to not be a quiet secretive thing. You should explain to the teen how this happens every day across the entire planet (county, city, town) have him pull up the police website to see all the calls the cops or FD or EMS go to that are unresponsive subjects. Maybe even talk to first responders about how they deal with it.

People die every day...hell, I had three in one day last Thursday at work. And I'm not even a medic. It's going to happen to all of us eventually. I hope when I go it's quick like your neighbor and not some prolonged illness that causes me to slowly waste away. The body is just a meat sack...it's what happens to the soul afterwards that's important.

When my son was 15 he went to rural Kentucky with his church youth group to help rebuild some flood-damaged houses. While they were working on the project he heard some lady across the street screaming and went over there to see what was going on and found her son dead on the front porch from an OD. From what he described the guy had been dead for quite a while. He was the first one there, managed to call for help, kept the other kids away from the scene, and got the youth leaders. I wasn't there, but by all accounts he handled it pretty well...probably better than some of the adult leaders did.

Your stepson did what he could. Affirm that to him. The real world isn't like a TV show...if somebody goes down unattended they're usually beyond help by the time you get there, and no amount of heroics or CPR is bringing them back. Noticing immediately and getting help is better than a large portion of the population would have done.

Last year I had a CPR call on a drunk guy who died in his sleep. His teenage son had gotten up in the middle of the night to pee and had heard his dad kinda breathing heavy but hadn't thought anything of it. Then hours later when he didn't wake up they went in and found him unresponsive without a pulse. The kid was trying to do compressions on the bed when I got there, and I had him help me get dad on the floor and continue compressions while I got my AED hooked up, and then I took over until the medics arrived. Guy didn't make it. Poor kid was kicking himself, and I told him he did awesome and that if he heard his dad breathing at 3am he was fine at the time. Whatever killed him didn't happen until hours later. You have no way of knowing when somebody's going to go, and unless you're standing right there at the moment it happens there's very little you can do about it...and often not even then. The fact that he had the presence of mind to take action and do something instead of just standing there and panicking was commendable. I spent about 30 minutes talking with that kid after we were done working on his dad. I haven't seen him since but I hope it helped a little.

That sense of helplessness is sometimes the worst thing...seeing a problem and having no idea how to fix it, or no ability to do so. And sometimes that's just how it is...there's nothing you can do. Dead is dead. But one thing that I think helps me as a first responder is knowing that at least I tried. I'm not God, and I can't resurrect the dead, and at least 95% of the people I've done CPR on over the years left in a body bag, but at least I know I did everything I could within my training and abilities to give them a chance. It doesn't sound like it would have made any practical difference in this case as that guy was likely long gone by the time your son found him, but having the knowledge and training going into a situation like that can help you mentally as much as it can help the victim physically. I'd tell your son he did good, and if he's interested maybe offer to take an emergency first aid or CPR class with him just to equip him with more knowledge and tools in case he's ever in that situation again. If possible, try to find one that's taught by actual paramedics with a bunch of real world experience, because they'll be able to provide some real world perspective and realistic expectations that somebody who doesn't do it regularly might not.

quote:

Dead is dead. But one thing that I think helps me as a first responder is knowing that at least I tried

I'm a lightening rod. The universe has always thrown chaos at my feet. I could probably write a book.

When I was 14, out of town on vacation with my mother, sisters, and one of my friends, we came upon an accident. Hit and run, car vs. bicycle, highway speeds. It had just happened and a few cars had stopped with people just standing around. As a Boyscout I figured I could do more than stand around, so I had my mom pull over and my friend and I rushed over to see what we could do.

Had this accident happened in front of an operating room, it wouldn't have made a difference. It was bad. It was nasty. And it's the first and only time I was compelled to talk about it afterwords.

At the age of 14, talking with my friend that night, we came to a conclusion. Had that person been floating over us watching, they would have known that they weren't alone, and that complete strangers had cared enough to stop and try.

That conversation is probably why I've never had to talk about it again. You can either focus on the negative things which you have zero control over, or focus on the positive things that you can/did control.

Your son was aware of his surroundings.

He saw another human in need, and immediately took action.

He did what he could.

He cared.

You couldn't ask for anything more.

quote:

Originally posted by a1abdj:

quote:

Dead is dead. But one thing that I think helps me as a first responder is knowing that at least I tried

Your son was aware of his surroundings.

He saw another human in need, and immediately took action.

He did what he could.

He cared.

You couldn't ask for anything more.

This was essentially the conversation we had this morning

I spoke of a situation I’d come across with a lady I found middle of an intersection from a hit and run, how that changed a loose friendship to a close one with her husband. He was a street preacher most avoided. I always checked on him, had no idea he was married. After I told him I found his wife our conversations and interactions changed significantly. When I left Missoula I sought him out to say good bye as I was relocating out of state