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Only the strong survive |
I thought this was clever: A man meets with a lawyer and says his neighbor owes him $500 and won’t pay. He asks the lawyer what he should do. The lawyer says, do you have any proof of the debt? The man says no. The lawyer says write the neighbor a letter asking for the $1,000 he owes you. The man says but he only owes me $500. Yes, that’s what his reply will say and you’ll have your proof. 41 | ||
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| Dances With Tornados |
There's no such thing as lawyer jokes. They're all true stories. . | |||
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Fire begets Fire |
A lawyer visits with this client for 15 minutes. The client thanks him, proceeds to ask him how much the damage is, and his attorney tells him $100. The man reaches into his wallet pulls out a brand new fresh $100 bill and gives it to the lawyer. As the client leaves closing the door behind him, the attorney realizes that in actuality there are two $100 bills stuck together. Being so new and crisp made it hard to notice earlier. Now - he has a moral dilemma. What to do? Does he tell his partner?   "Pacifism is a shifty doctrine under which a man accepts the benefits of the social group without being willing to pay - and claims a halo for his dishonesty." ~Robert A. Heinlein | |||
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Drill Here, Drill Now |
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a liar? A: The pronunciation. A secretary, a paralegal and a lawyer in a law firm are walking through the park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.” “Me first! Me first!” says the secretary. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the paralegal. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! she’s gone. “You’re next,” the Genie says to the lawyer. “I want those two back in the office after lunch.” Ego is the anesthesia that deadens the pain of stupidity DISCLAIMER: These are the author's own personal views and do not represent the views of the author's employer. | |||
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Caribou gorn |
Saw a headstone once that said "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man." I said, "how about that... two people buried in the same grave." It's so cold outside the lawyers have their hands in their own pockets. I'm gonna vote for the funniest frog with the loudest croak on the highest log. | |||
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Step by step walk the thousand mile road |
I was crossing a bridge when I heard a commotion from the water. Running to the side, I look down and see the lawyer who represented my ex-wife in our divorce. She's not swimming, and looks to be drowning. There is a life ring with a rope that you can throw to people in the water who need help. What did I do? Lunch. Nice is overrated "It's every freedom-loving individual's duty to lie to the government." Airsoftguy, June 29, 2018 | |||
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Altitude Minimum |
Does anybody know the difference between a rooster and a lawyer? | |||
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| Muzzle flash aficionado  |
Yes. I looked it up. (Really) Answer depends on a Spoonerism. flashguy Texan by choice, not accident of birth | |||
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Member |
A blonde is getting a physical and asks the doctor, "Can I get pregnant from having anal sex?" "Yes", replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?" Let all Men know thee, but no man know thee thoroughly: Men freely ford that see the shallows. Benjamin Franklin | |||
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| Member |
Do you know why lawyers wear neckties? It keeps the foreskin from rolling up. | |||
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Legalize the Constitution |
_______________________________________________________ despite them | |||
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I Deal In Lead |
What's the difference between a dead lawyer on the road and a dead snake on the road? The snake has skid marks in front of it. | |||
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Member |
A lawyer walks into a bar. The bartender asks him, "would you like a drink?" "Sure" he replies, "make it a scotch and soda". The bartender mixes the drink and says "that'll be $5". At this point the lawyer refuses to pay, arguing the bartender offered him the drink for free. Once the lawyer has finished his drink, the bartender tells him to leave and never return. The next day the lawyer returns and sits at the bar. The bartender approaches him asking, "didn't I kick you out of here yesterday?" "I'm sorry sir, you're mistaken" replies the lawyer. "Well" says the bartender, "then you must have a double". The lawyer replies, "make it a scotch and soda". | |||
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| Member |
Excellent, hadn't heard that in a very long time. | |||
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| Never miss an opportunity to be Batman!  |
It was so cold the other day, that two lawyers were spotted with their hands in their own pockets. An average guy has died and is waiting in line to get into Heaven. St. Peter is greeting and assigning residences. The first guy in line is asked what he did in life, and he replies, "I was the Pope." St. Peter assigns him to the middle of the road residences. The next guy in line steps up and St. Peter asks him what he did in life and this guy replies, "I was a lawyer." St. Peter looks surprised and confirms this. St. Peter assigns the guy his residence, which is a penthouse and the guy is escorted to it by two angels. The third person, average guy steps up and says, "I know I am gong to deserve wherever you put me, but I don't understand how you assign the Pope to average housing and a lawyer to the penthouse." St. Peter replies, "We have over 400 Popes, we have never had a lawyer before." A lawyer dies and is greeted at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. St Peter looks over the file on the man's life and suddenly exclaims, "You weren't scheduled to die for another 20 years......oh, wait, my mistake, those were billing hours." | |||
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Member |
From my neck of the woods: What is the difference between an attorney and a catfish? One slithers through the mud and sucks scum - the other is a fish. . “Leave the Artillerymen alone, they are an obstinate lot. . .” – Napoleon Bonaparte http://poundsstudio.com/ | |||
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| Eschew Obfuscation |
Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state. The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict. When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way. "Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit." _____________________________________________________________________ “One of the common failings among honorable people is a failure to appreciate how thoroughly dishonorable some other people can be, and how dangerous it is to trust them.” – Thomas Sowell | |||
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| Ammoholic |
When the snake gets run over it sounds like, “errrk, bubump.” When the lawyer gets run over it sounds like, “bubump, errrk, vroom, bubump, errrk, vroom, bubump, … rinse, repeat. | |||
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| Little ray of sunshine  |
That is my favorite lawyer joke. Bar none. The fish is mute, expressionless. The fish doesn't think because the fish knows everything. | |||
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| Fire begets Fire |
I spent a whole career (almost) in professional services. "Pacifism is a shifty doctrine under which a man accepts the benefits of the social group without being willing to pay - and claims a halo for his dishonesty." ~Robert A. Heinlein | |||
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