My mother has decided she is going to work graveyard. She is up most of the night and sleeps most of the day, on the couch.
Really crazy stuff. My father is her caregiver and it has really made things difficult for him and us trying to provide support.
We are expecting find her one of these mornings from a fall.

Went through that recently with my MIL and that was a horrible deal.

Prayers for all doing care giving. It is difficult stuff.

I am literally putting down the deposit on my mom’s assisted living facility today. I would not wish these issues on anyone.

One of my favorite old airline pilot jokes for levity. I think it’s funny but it’s a bit maudlin perhaps. I tell people I want to die quietly in my sleep like my grandpa. Short pause and then add, with a 175 people screaming behind me. lol

Pedro, that works as long as she is willing to go. That can be the issue.

She has been involved in the process, but you are correct. I didn’t mean to sound like I am having her committed. Hell, the place is nicer than most of my apartments as a young man. lol

You can't do much for her state of mind but you could learn a lesson for yourself. It's about mindset. My wife and I talk about when we need to stop driving. When we need to get help caring for us. etc.

For your immediate need, the solution can be how cold-hearted and numb you can be. When you were young, your parents made the tough decisions for you despite you throwing a temper tantrum. Now, the roles are reversed and the solution is to make the right decision for them even if they throw a tantrum.

And like with children, you have to be patient and continually reinforce what you're saying to them.

quote:

Mom says she’ll just hire someone to stay with her 24-7. Gah!!!

The cost on that is like $20,000 a month for an established service.

Less for your Craigslist finds, and they won't be 24/7

There are some similarities, but its not the same.
Some situations get to a point where you can only do so much. Then other decisions need to be made so that all parties can cope.
But yes, we need to do all we can to help. They deserve that. But there are limits to everything.

quote:

Originally posted by old rugged cross:
If she lives alone there is only so much you can do.
My experience is the more you tell her what she should or needs to do, the less she will do.

Give her the space, let her do what she says she wants to do. Most likely your relationship will improve.

It does not seem great now, so try a new approach and you may find it is better for everyone. Doing what is being done now does not seem to be working.

Food for thought.

Thanks. Our relationship is actually pretty good. I’m just frustrated with her right now.

quote:

Originally posted by radioman:

quote:

Mom says she’ll just hire someone to stay with her 24-7. Gah!!!

The cost on that is like $20,000 a month for an established service.

Less for your Craigslist finds, and they won't be 24/7

Luckily, if it came to that, she can afford it.

quote:

Originally posted by oldbill123:
Maybe she would consider some physical therapy prior to surgery. She will lose strength in recovery and may help if she starts out stronger. Shoulder surgery is brutal and doing the therapy is a must.
Otherwise, just prepare for the inevitable. Make sure her legal docs are in order. You can't make her do what you want unless you have her declared unfit.

ETA
Hospital would not release Mom to home if there was no one to be there with her. Shoulder surgery is outpatient and they won't care. Have her pick out a nice rehab place as she will be spending a lot of time there

She has been going for her gait. They stopped it on the shoulder because she wan‘t making any progress.

quote:

Originally posted by MelissaDallas:
[QUOTE]Originally posted by radioman:
[QUOTE]Mom says she’ll just hire someone to stay with her 24-7. Gah!!!

The cost on that is like $20,000 a month for an established service.

Might consider an au pair… compensation is MUCH less. Anyone else considered that?

quote:

Elderly know-it-all parents

I'm 88 and I don't know it all, but I do know a fair amount.

My wife, coming up on 81, knows more than I do.

Not feeling well ?

Well let's go to the doctor.

Oh they will just want to give me a pill. Naw , I'll be fine.

Five days later hospitalized with pneumonia

G r r r r

We oversee my older sister (as guardian) and my mother in law informally. Both are resistant to assistance, especially my sister!

Part of our philosophy is that a person has the right to choose a riskier approach, presuming they are informed. For my sister with intellectual and physical disabilities it is a difficult line to find, though in reality she just flat refuses much of the assistance she needs to have a normal level of hygiene (bathing, hair care, toe nail trimming, etc).

My mother-in-law is just stubborn. I plan to out do her on that when my time comes!

The worst of it is ,
I have no kids ,siblings or
Employees to take care of my rear , so I am s.o.l. when it comes to belligerent behavior.

I am an elderly, know-it-all parent.
And...get off my lawn!

As far as your Mom, you can lay out options for her, (like use the walker or fall down) but it's still her decision at this point.

It could go another way:

On Thursday, I got an email from Amazon saying my account was suspended because of suspected fraud. I know, I know, you guys are thinking IT’S A SCAM! Except it wasn’t. The email goes on to say the credit card company used to pay for the item reversed the charges and I needed to pay for the item. Really does sound like a scam, but I keep reading and it lists a TV and the amount. It’s the same TV I bought the week before for my dad, the same one I had to order a stand for, the one my son and I setup for him, and the same one he was watching when I called him and asked him if he reported a fraudulent charge on his American Express card. He said he did because someone apparently ordered a TV from Amazon, charged it to his American Express card and he was sure he didn’t do it.

He had asked me to help him buy a TV a few weeks ago. We sat down together, used my Amazon account with his credit card and had it shipped to his house. He remembered none of that. He didn’t remember me going over to his house to help him bring the TV off the front porch into the house. Didn’t remember me trying to set it up and realizing the included stands were too far apart for his existing TV stand.

My parents and my wife’s parents never planned for when their health got worse. No money and no means to care for themselves, they acted like it would never happen. When they were younger I offered to buy a piece of property and purchase mobile homes they could live in so they would be close. None of them wanted to move to take up the offer of free housing. They were all selfish and ended up in a bad way when they could no longer care for themselves.

I tried getting my dad to go into a VA home but he refused. He ended up dying alone in an ER in St. Louis during covid (I lived in Texas and he was in Missouri). My mom spent her last days in a county (low income) nursing home. It was 4 hours from my home but I happened to be there the day she passed.

It was an ordeal with my father in law (two of them) when they passed. One of them screwed over my mother in law, he set up a reverse mortgage and did not put my mother in laws name on it so she lost the house. None of them planned for anything and refused to take any advice yet had no way to care for themselves. It is all selfishness.

All I can say is that I am planning for my wife and I and we will not be a burden on my daughter.

Dad's 87, when mom passed he lost a lot emotionally, never thought I'd see that in him, born in 38 he's one of the tough guys you didn't mess with or question..

It would have been their 65th anniversary, he always said he'd go first and we all thought so, considering Moms penchant to exercise and take care of what she ate etc.

Now at 87 he's still in good mental health, although he'll do something and not ask, like buying a new sprinkler well pump for $770 that he can't afford and I find out later. Lucky got it reversed and bought locally for half that cost.

I have to slow my conversations down, and let him get his thoughts together and respond, he's always point on, just takes longer.

I told him I bought the 3 year warranty on it, and he joked that he probably didn't need it to last 3 years. Told him that I had considered that and saved $10 by not buying the 4 year warranty, we had a good laugh.

Thought maybe a little aging humor was in need here... I'll be that guy some day..

https://x.com/LynneBP_294/status/1921594031429005780