Elderly know-it-all parents

April 30, 2025, 08:33 PM

I know we all struggle with this. So, my mom is almost 82 and extremely unstable gait-wise. She staggers and reels and almost falls a lot. Of course won’t use her cane or walker consistently. She woke up last year in extreme pain from a spontaneous full thickness shoulder girdle tear. Osteo says not uncommon. Like worn out rubber bands. It just happens. Did pretty well with physical therapy, until she fell on it. Had a cervical fusion late last year. You could tell ortho didn’t really think it would improve her gait much, but might keep it from getting worse. Not much help. now she has decided to have shoulder replacement due to pain and loss of range of movement. No big deal, right? Her brother and sister had it done, but they are not debilitated like she is. I’m telling her it is going to be extremely painful to recover from, will make her a lot more unstable on her feet while she is immobilized, and that we will not be able to do all the care she requires - we won’t be able to keep her from falling without hurting her.. That she will likely need to stay in a rehab hospital for at least a couple of months. Doesn’t believe me about how painful the rehab for this is going to be. My sister is retired, but I still work and it is not fair to saddle her with all this. Mom says she’ll just hire someone to stay with her 24-7. Gah!!!

April 30, 2025, 08:41 PM

RogueJSK

I feel your pain. I think it's a common experience with aging parents.

Prior to my mother's death, she was physically going downhill for several years. Her balance and walking ability were not good, and yet she refused to use her walker for quite a long time.

As a result, she fell many, many times. Luckily she was never seriously injured by a fall beyond some nasty bruises and scrapes. But it had gotten to the point where she would fall every ~3-5 days, and my dad (same age but not anywhere near as infirm) would have to help her up off the ground, and when he couldn't manage he'd have to call the fire department to lift her.

Her combination of denial, stubbornness, and pride could easily have killed her. Or resulted in my dad being injured trying to help her.

It's also important for your mom to keep in mind that, in addition to not recovering as quickly after surgery, there's also a not-insignificant risk of her not even surviving the shoulder surgery and recovery. My mother eventually passed during recovery after a surgical procedure. The surgical procedure and subsequent few weeks recovering in an acute inpatient rehab hospital was just too much for her already weakened body. (Although she would have died anyway if she didn't have the surgery, so it wasn't an option to just not do it, like it sounds like there may be with your mom's shoulder replacement.)

April 30, 2025, 08:48 PM

chellim1

Melissa,
I can completely relate as my parents are also age 82 and I am going through similar.
Hang in there!

"Some things are apparent. Where government moves in, community retreats, civil society disintegrates and our ability to control our own destiny atrophies. The result is: families under siege; war in the streets; unapologetic expropriation of property; the precipitous decline of the rule of law; the rapid rise of corruption; the loss of civility and the triumph of deceit. The result is a debased, debauched culture which finds moral depravity entertaining and virtue contemptible."
-- Justice Janice Rogers Brown

"The United States government is the largest criminal enterprise on earth."
-rduckwor

April 30, 2025, 08:59 PM

DrWho

My aunt is living with me and she is 96.

I understand how you feel. She is always trying to do for herself and will not acknowledge her disabilities.

I am 76 and feel like I am going downhill fast. These are not the golden years.

April 30, 2025, 09:09 PM

old rugged cross

Sorry to hear. There too, it is a tough challenge to try to help. But a bigger challenge to be in her situation. But making it tough for those in a supporting roll is a bad thing. And is what happens in most cases. Which really complicates things and really negatively impacts many family members. That can be really maddening and ends up with family having to make decisions to protect themselves. I wish you well Melissa. It is a tough place to be. Take care of yourself.

April 30, 2025, 09:14 PM

MelissaDallas

Oh, and she can’t hear, which is highly annoying because she refuses to do anything about it. (I’m not putting anything in my ears!) We keep trying to shame her that her friends will think she is developing dementia because of all her inappropriate comments to conversations she can’t follow.

April 30, 2025, 09:16 PM

ZSMICHAEL

I am surprised your Dad can pick her up. The fire department regularly picks elderly folks off the floor. Just tell them the issue so they dont send the truck. Geriatric docs can be a godsend as well since many docs do not like having to see this population because they require a lot of time.

April 30, 2025, 09:20 PM

MelissaDallas

quote:
Originally posted by RogueJSK:
I feel your pain. I think it's a common experience with aging parents.

Prior to my mother's death, she was physically going downhill for several years. Her balance and walking ability were not good, and yet she refused to use her walker for quite a long time..

As a result, she fell many, many times. Luckily she was never seriously injured by a fall beyond some nasty bruises and scrapes. But it had gotten to the point where she would fall every ~3-5 days, and my dad (same age but not anywhere near as infirm) would have to help her up off the ground, and when he couldn't manage he'd have to call the fire department to lift her.

Her combination of denial, stubbornness, and pride could easily have killed her. Or resulted in my dad being injured trying to help her.

It's also important for your mom to keep in mind that, in addition to not recovering as quickly after surgery, there's also a not-insignificant risk of her not even surviving the shoulder surgery and recovery. My mother eventually passed during recovery after a surgical procedure. The surgical procedure and subsequent few weeks recovering in an acute inpatient rehab hospital was just too much for her already weakened body. (Although she would have died anyway if she didn't have the surgery, so it wasn't an option to just not do it, like it sounds like there may be with your mom's shoulder replacement.)

I know. That too. Half her family, including her deceased mom and dad, were doctors and nurses. I think the shoulder surgery could precipitate all kinds of bad things. Falls, or stroke or worse. She is in poor physical condition and thinks she is STRONG.

April 30, 2025, 09:20 PM

YooperSigs

I will 70 soon. I am dreading the loss of independence that may well be the future.

April 30, 2025, 09:23 PM

mojojojo

Yep. I've got one too. I especially love how when we moved last year my mom was giving us all sorts of moving advice. This from a woman who moved into a house in 1963 and still lives there today.

April 30, 2025, 09:23 PM

MelissaDallas

quote:
Originally posted by ZSMICHAEL:
I am surprised your Dad can pick her up. The fire department regularly picks elderly folks off the floor. Just tell them the issue so they dont send the truck. Geriatric docs can be a godsend as well since many docs do not like having to see this population because they require a lot of time.

Dad is gone. It is just me and my sister and male cousin who can help. Fire department used to come get Daddy and my aunt up when we couldn’t.

April 30, 2025, 09:25 PM

MelissaDallas

quote:
Originally posted by YooperSigs:
I will 70 soon. I am dreading the loss of independence that may well be the future.

Yeah, me, my sister and cousin are 61, 62 and 63. He is disabled with autoimmune stuff. We can see it coming fast.

April 30, 2025, 09:27 PM

MelissaDallas

quote:
Originally posted by mojojojo:
Yep. I've got one too. I especially love how when we moved last year my mom was giving us all sorts of moving advice. This from a woman who moved into a house in 1963 and still lives there today.

Yeah, we get a lot of that too. She never did anything physical or ever lived alone, but is the expert on everything

April 30, 2025, 09:42 PM

old rugged cross

If she lives alone there is only so much you can do.
My experience is the more you tell her what she should or needs to do, the less she will do.

Give her the space, let her do what she says she wants to do. Most likely your relationship will improve.

It does not seem great now, so try a new approach and you may find it is better for everyone. Doing what is being done now does not seem to be working.

Food for thought.

May 01, 2025, 01:43 AM

oldbill123

Maybe she would consider some physical therapy prior to surgery. She will lose strength in recovery and may help if she starts out stronger. Shoulder surgery is brutal and doing the therapy is a must.
Otherwise, just prepare for the inevitable. Make sure her legal docs are in order. You can't make her do what you want unless you have her declared unfit.

ETA
Hospital would not release Mom to home if there was no one to be there with her. Shoulder surgery is outpatient and they won't care. Have her pick out a nice rehab place as she will be spending a lot of time there

May 01, 2025, 08:00 AM

ibanda

quote:
Originally posted by MelissaDallas:
I know we all struggle with this. So, my mom is almost 82 and extremely unstable gait-wise. She staggers and reels and almost falls a lot. Of course won’t use her cane or walker consistently.......

I hear you, and wish you well. I'm in my late 50s, seems like the majority of my friend group are going thru this now with their parents. Until 3 years ago I didn't really have a good grasp of what CARETAKER meant. I do now, it's a challenging job. I was fortunate my parents had resources to hire additional help, but it still wore me out.

My experience about the stubborness is they will drive cars up until the last day possible, or a little past it, avoid using the cane and wheelchair the same. My Dad had a fall in 2022 that started 4 hospital stays followed by 4 rehab hospitals and Mom had a fall in 2023 that had me move states and take care of her for 5 months.

May 01, 2025, 08:52 AM

sourdough44

Just back from visiting, 86/88+or so. You’d think they would go with the flow more, but very regimented. If you don’t prewarm the plates in the microwave for breakfast, it’s a non-starter.

There was a TINY amount of catsup in the bottom, stuck. Instead of throwing it away, I added a ‘touch’ of water to loosen it up. It was to much for him. He said it was now ruined, threw it away, got a new bottle out. Actually asked for new, not sure he knew where it was kept.

They had/have 2 ok cars, two older pickups, should hardly be driving. The just sold the reliable Camry, entered into a deal for a minty Buick with 45k miles. They get it today, soon to be dented & scraped, likely.

I’m good for about two days, but help as I can.

May 01, 2025, 09:25 AM

VictimNoMore

Just went through this with Mom.
The last 6-8 months, the falls were more frequent and she never fully recovered from the initial injuries (shoulder, pelvis).
Making the decision to move her to a rehab facility (first) was critical to getting her more time on this earth, I am convinced.
After that, we moved her to an apartment in a full-time facility and those people are angels for what they do and how compassionate they care for our loved ones.

May 01, 2025, 09:31 AM

bendable

Am there doing that,
They think gravity does not affect them after a certain age .

Pisses me off ,
I finally told one old lady that she will hate going to a nursing home if she falls and breaks a hip. That worked for her,
Your results may vary

May 01, 2025, 09:33 AM

AKSuperDually

I'm looking forward to being a pain in the ass for my kids.

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"The trouble with our Liberal friends...is not that they're ignorant, it's just that they know so much that isn't so." Ronald Reagan, 1964
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"Arguing with some people is like playing chess with a pigeon. It doesn't matter how good I am at chess, the pigeon will just take a shit on the board, strut around knocking over all the pieces and act like it won.. and in some cases it will insult you at the same time." DevlDogs55, 2014

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