I don't want to be alarmist, or dismissive, so I'm asking the opinion of the smartest collective of people I "know" - SigForum.

My wife and I have been married 13+ years and have 4 kids together - I trust her 200%, and vice versa. This morning, she received a text on her cell phone from a guy she was friends with in college (20 or 21 years ago), and they casually went out a few times. She said she was never really into him, and she felt like he was somewhat on the "persistent side", in spite of her declining his advances to get more serious.

She married someone else right after college, and this guy looked her up then, called her to ask if she was happy, and seemed to go away. She obviously ended up divorcing her first husband (serial cheater), and a couple years later this guy looked her up again and tried inviting himself into her life. She declined again - she still wasn't into him, she was starting to feel a little weirded out, and he was married. He may have already been married the first time he called her, also.

She hasn't heard from him since (15 years +/-), but received a text from a number she doesn't know this morning, asking if it was her (by maiden name). We looked up the number, and when she saw the name, she said "oh my gosh this guy is some kind of stalker", then explained everything to me.

I showed her that all someone had to do was Google her maiden name, and various websites will show possible results; in this case it shows her now married name (my last name), in a different city, with several different possible phone numbers. Her cell number used to be our land line number, so it shows up with our address. Maybe he texted several numbers hoping to hear back?

She's not sure if she should; 1) just ignore it, 2) text back - "happily married with children, please stop looking me up and contacting me", or 3) have me call to pleasantly explain that she's uncomfortable that he keeps trying to get into her life.

I'm not sure if this is a normal pattern of behavior for some people of a different stripe (I wouldn't personally do this), or a possible/likely mark of a weirdo. This guy seems to have had a fairly successful military career for 20+ years, so I want to think he's a cut above the average Joe, and maybe just thinks highly enough of my wife to throw out a hopeful feeler in hopes that things might work out this time. She is a wonderful person, and if I had dated her years ago, she'd still come to mind with fond recollection, also.

What say the great minds of SigForum?

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Outnumbered,

First step would be to ignore it. Most of the time, that is enough. If it continues despite her non-response, that's when you consider escalating to some sort of direct response.

If she's not comfortable with just simply passively ignoring it, you might help her block the number on her phone. That still doesn't involve any direct response, but may make her feel better than simply ignoring it.

For now ignore it, that is a freebie. If he texts again then decide. Next time could try "STOP" like she thinks it is a spammer or just a "no wrong number."

Spam calls and wrong numbers are so common now he won't be able to be sure which number he googled is correct.

Oh and sorry, I'll stop.

The creep is a effing stalker. Do not communicate. Be ready.

I would say to ignore it but he has a pattern of looking her up... I would start with her returning the text and asking him to please stop tracking her down.

Give him the benefit of the doubt. Your wife can have a normal conversation with him. A lot of maturity can happen after 15 years.

Definitely ignore the text. If you respond he knows he found her number.

Ignore it and block the number.

ETA -

quote:

I'm not sure if this is a normal pattern of behavior for some people

It's not normal behavior to stalk someone you went out with a handful of time 20+ years ago.

If I really think, I can recall a couple of girls I dated in my early 20s, but I can't remember their names nor would I ever feel the need to track them down or communicate with them.

Texting back confirms he found her and that’s what you don’t want.
Don’t respond.

quote:

Originally posted by RHINOWSO:
Ignore it and block them number.

This ^^^^^

But document what you just wrote, incl. approximate dates of (attempted) communication, thoroughly. Just in case.

Sounds like a hopeless (lonely) romantic that never gave up on your wife.

Frankly that wouldn't really scare me too much. Hell, there are still a couple of wimmins from my high school/college days that I still wonder about...

I'd tell her to message him back that she is happily married and not interested in further communication.

My wife's ex-fiancee went to prison for child molestation. He attempted to contact her when he got out. We treated that quite differently.

Block the number and drive on. Do not let him know that he found the right number.

Call the law, document the goofball, I base this on what I’ve seen on the ID Channel. That guy is nuts, creepy ass bastard!
( And yes, I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express in Boonville Mo.)

quote:

Originally posted by Outnumbered:
I'm not sure if this is a normal pattern

Not normal.

"they casually went out a few times. She said she was never really into him"- It's not like they were in a committed relationship.

quote:

Originally posted by BamaJeepster:
Block the number and drive on. Do not let him know that he found the right number.

I agree. Be on the lookout for any additional intrusions.

quote:

Originally posted by Keystoner:
Give him the benefit of the doubt. Your wife can have a normal conversation with him. A lot of maturity can happen after 15 years.

I gave him the benefit of the doubt by not automatically assuming he's wacko. She doesn't want to have a conversation with him, that's the point. She's a more than a little freaked out that he's done this, more than once now. The options we/she listed above are all she's interested in. Choices A, B, or C. Then you suggest choice ZXF3.1d? No offense, but how does that make any sense? Are you him?

Either ignore it and block it or return text ?? wrong number.

if he calls, you answer and say wrong number.

Option A for $1000 Alex.

quote:

Originally posted by Phelen_Kell:
Either ignore it and block it or return text ?? wrong number.

if he calls, you answer and say wrong number.

That works until he gets voicemail with her voice / name.

quote:

Originally posted by RHINOWSO:
Ignore it and block the number.

This, emphatically. There is no reason for a married man to reach out to a married woman with whom he once had a romantic interest as an adult.

Ignore it at minimum, but I would block it too.



.

I don't think this exactly warrants the nuclear option. But I wouldn't respond to the message.

If you respond, it gives this guy validation and a reason to continue his pursuit in the future. Some guys can last for decades on that.

But as always don't let your guard down. Keep your head on a swivel, 'n' all that.

H&K-Guy