Cut this from a letter that I sent to a friend.....

I was driving the back roads of our valley, which I must say, are inspired by angels or something with a fetish for the curvies, because these things are the most scenic and smooth things I've ever seen.

Driving back, we were stuck behind a fat and slow minivan. I fucking hate minivans. Period. I don't care who it is that owns them, I just think of minivans as the most vile of all automotive creations.

OK, maybe I’m being wrong in what it is that I truly dislike. I hate the drivers of minivans..... could there be a more wretched excuse for a human being? It’s usually a mom, careening all over the road with a full load of snot -nosed kids, screaming at the top of their collective lungs about how they want to go to any and all of the fast food places that they pass to get the happy meal character that they're missing to complete their collection. All the while, this same mini-van is holding up what seems like the biggest caravan of harried drivers this side of downtown Tokyo.

When you finally get the chance to pass them, the fun only then begins. You glare at the driver, and she back at you, with a look that can burn a hole through 13-foot slabs of concrete, almost yelling at you with the words "I didn't ask for this!!! I wanted only one kid, I wanted a wonderful husband, I wanted to live like a queen, but look at me! I’m a fat gossiping housewife who sits eating bonbons on a couch that has my ass print permanently burned into it...go ahead, take the gun out of your glove-box!!! Shoot me dead on the spot, here, I'll mark the spot to aim for!!! I'm living in hell!!!!!!"

Only then does this driver finally realize her speed, and then as soon as you're ahead of her, she starts gaining speed on you and is eventually so far up your tail-pipe, that you'd swear she was coming out of the hood of your car, in an attempt to get retribution for your passing her in the first place!

So, as I was saying.

I was behind this mini-van, and this was on the sweetest stretch of road, this side of candyland, and I could hear my car itself pleading on its hands and knees to me to raise the missile launcher (an option in 1966) and blow this car ahead of us off of the stinking face of the earth. The speedometer was now buried in the negative numbers, grinding away the last remnants of its titanium gears, making a whine that could be heard on Pluto.

I realized then, that I had crossed over into the twilight zone [cue music], and would have paid an inordinate amount of money to have the horn of my car, which when last sounded, replicated a 3000-pound cat in heat, leading to its retirement in my heap of old car parts, back in action, so I could sound its last dying breath at this, the last refuge of a car-lover's bad luck. Needless to say, right when the road opened up to two-lanes, I had entered the part of the road where speed cops are so proliferous, that you can smell the scent of Winchell's donuts and day-old coffee from a mile away.

Death to mini-vanners!!!!!!!

Excellent rant!

Goes double when you're on a motorcycle.

I own a mini-van. It's my fifth Dodge Grand Caravan in a row, all of them 250-300,000 miles. I've raised a family in them, moved countless times in them. travelled all over in them.

It's hard to beat a minivan, especially with a family on board.

Motorcycles are the worst. When traveling in a group, the lead ones pass, then everybody else groups up behind the leaders right on your front bumper. The jackasses then make you drop down 10 mph less just to give them enough space so you don’t run them over. There’s a scene from Smokey and the Bandit that runs through my mind every time they do this.

quote:

Originally posted by sigcrazy7:
Motorcycles are the worst. When traveling in a group, the lead ones pass, then everybody else groups up behind the leaders right on your front bumper. The jackasses then make you drop down 10 mph less just to give them enough space so you don’t run them over. There’s a scene from Smokey and the Bandit that runs through my mind every time they do this.

That's why seasoned bikers ride alone.

I've been on group rides with Harley or Gold Wing clubs. Just a few times within a group of inexperienced riders was enough for me.

Rant Hall of Fame contender! that was great!

You’d really hate going by our quarterly business meeting. An entire parking lot of dark colored grand caravans full of repair equipment. While I’m not a fan of mini-vans, there’s no way I could carry all the crap I need to do my job without it.

quote:

Originally posted by GWbiker:

That's why seasoned bikers ride alone.

I've been on group rides with Harley or Gold Wing clubs. Just a few times within a group of inexperienced riders was enough for me.

Once was plenty for me, thanks. Never again.

quote:

The Hell of driving near minivans

Chinese got a lot of hell's Jack

I inherited a Town and Country tactical minivan when my elderly dad passed several years ago. It came with an old man Go-to-Hell™️ hat and some giant sunglasses that fit over Rx glasses. It has ugly-ass factory wheels, too, but makes a decent hauler for trips to the “big city” 150 miles away.

Today at the barber shop as I'm in his chair getting a haircut- barber looks out into the parking lot, sees a blue minivan, and says, "Who is the poor sap that has his balls in his wife's purse and she makes the poor sap drive a blue minivan around?"

Me- I guess I'm the poor sap.

I shuffle kids back and forth to school all day. I'm a domesticated house husband these days. I like my minivan. The kids trash them, and a I buy a new one cash every 5 years or so. Cheap to maintain, cheap to drive, better miles per gallon than an SUV or truck.

The only thing of my van you'll see is the back, leaving.

So, I guess I'm not your problem.

We rented T&Cs for several years to take our group 6 adults and gear to Grand Canyon to hike to the river and back. I thought it did a terrific job, comfortable, decent gas mileage, carried a lot, easy to get in and out, park, etc. It never fit the mission profile for real life,but I would have no problem if it did.

One year I had a Plymouth Voyager manual tranny turbo diesel in Europe. Now THAT was a perfect vehicle for our driving. We drove all over the place, Normandy to Bordeaux, Spain, to Monte Carlo, Northern Italy, Switzerland, Economical, plenty of zip, no problem in the mountains, easy to pack and unpack.... if one had been offered in the States, I would like to have had one.

quote:

Originally posted by alreadydead:
Rant Hall of Fame contender! that was great!

In fairness, I lifted this from the Fordnatic Message Board (many of you youngsters will have no idea what these words all mean together), cleaned up and saved. Came across it yesterday looking for another golden oldie and thought I'd share here for Black92LX and others.

While I’m not a fan of the minivan, I did successfully harvest many a covey of quail with a buddy’s minivan. We would drive the fields of central Texas where the quail would congregate, and upon seeing a covey, we’d throw open the sliding door, and dogs and all would bail out to let the dogs point.

We had a ton of fun hunting from that van. Good times.
I believe my buddy had around 300k miles on when he retired it.

Stay safe, Steve

No kids involved, but a Dodge Grand Caravan is my "company car."

"Stow & Go" seating. Stow them all, and there's basically nothing I can't carry for the job. Stow just one or both of the second-row seats and I have several feet of leg room in the third row, which is hugely useful when me & three or four co-workers need to go somewhere with all kinds of "extra" stuff hanging off us. When it's just me, same configuration means I can find somewhere shaded, crank the air in the back, and sit next to the 115VAC outlet (also third row) with my laptop and work in comfort.

Factory tint is decent, we add a little more and the whole side & back is at 17%. Because it's a minivan, it's freakin' invisible and nobody gives it a second look, ever, especially with the stickers on the back. Enough room behind the third row to fit a good size long-gun locker plus breaching tools, etc. Running wires for radio and hidden emergency lights was a breeze.

I actually ASKED for a minivan in the office about seven years ago. Bosses' reply was "Sure, as long as YOU drive it." Got all of the "soccer mom" jokes from the rest of the crew, who now regularly borrow it because it does most things we need pretty darn well.

I know precisely where my balls are, thank you, and their size isn't affected by the style of car I drive for 25-30K miles each year anyway.

I had a minivan. 2003 Chevy Venture. I got it for $700, replaced the head gasket, and drove it 100k more miles. I'd like to say that they were troble-free miles, but they weren't.

It had heating and cooling problems even after the new head gasket. The heat would work when it wanted to in the winter...often we'd freeze. In the summer we'd overheat. I changed hoses, water pumps, heater core... everything that I could think of, and that cantankerous sob just kept screwing with me.

It dropped a wheel bearing on I40 just outside of Joplin MO one time and I had to fix it in a parking lot. Of course it was 100 degrees out, and it had to be a drive wheel. The belt tensioner bolt stripped out of the head, the body rusted out, and it had the worst headlights of any vehicle I'd ever driven. I thought it was dead when a rocker arm ripped out of the head, but I was able to tap the hole and install a new one. A busted suspension spring finally did it in...it was worth so little at that point it wasn't worth fixing.

I ended up getting a 2003 suburban to replace it. It had as many miles on it when I got it as the van did the day it died. I've put another 100K on it (over 350,000 on the clock now) since then, probably 20k of that towing, and the only work I've had to do besides general maintenance was a water pump and a pitman arm. It only gets 3mpg less than the van, is more comfortable, can haul more, and is way more fun to drive. It's better in every way.

I totally understand the homicidal rage that comes from being stuck behind a minivan. Just remember when they piss you off...leaving them to drive that POS everywhere they go is the worst punishment you could give them...it's truly a fate worse than death!

I have a minivan. A 2015 Toyota Sienna. One of the best cars I've ever owned. I like it so much that I will soon be buying another. Probably the most versatile vehicle on the road IMHO.

If they would just drive faster in all modes. Straight, corners, acceleration, lane changes everything. Imagine the freedom.

quote:

Originally posted by Some Shot:
The only thing of my van you'll see is the back, leaving.

So, I guess I'm not your problem.

+1. I've dusted lots of vehicles in my Oddy.