What is the biggest pile of BS anybody fed you while you were standing outside their window.

Part two: What is the funniest?

This message has been edited. Last edited by: 400m,

Funniest: Sunday morning, station wagon is speeding, had a bunch of Outlaw bikers behind him. Bikers see me, slow down and wave me in and point to the speeding station wagon as in 'Well'?

I pull it over, family going to church. As soon as I reach the window, before I can say anything the father say's "I'm sorry Officer, I know I was speeding but I had those bikers behind me, and I didn't want to make them wait." I LMAO and said, "Have a nice day" and walked away.

One of my favorites:
I checked a car at 65 in a 45 zone and while walking up to the car, I saw the female passenger was acting very agitated. When the guy driving rolled down the window and before I could open my mouth, I heard the female yell "ticket this son of a bitch, he drives like this all the time"! I asked the dude if that was his wife and he nodded. The look on his face showed much suffering. I said, "you have enough problems, drive carefully" and kicked him loose.
And an amazing number of women were suffering from full bladders when I got them stopped.

I'm not cop, obviously, but I'll tell you my story from the other side. Years ago, I was living/working in Dallas and was driving back to Houston visiting family on the weekend. Took along a friend and his wife, an older couple. The man had cardiac history and was experiencing chest pain in the middle of nowhere. So, I put the pedal to the medal and got caught by a state trooper. I explained why. He probably said to himself, "Yeah, I heard this story a thousand times, buddy". So, I got the ticket.

quote:

Originally posted by YooperSigs:
One of my favorites:
I checked a car at 65 in a 45 zone and while walking up to the car, I saw the female passenger was acting very agitated. When the guy driving rolled down the window and before I could open my mouth, I heard the female yell "ticket this son of a bitch, he drives like this all the time"! I asked the dude if that was his wife and he nodded. The look on his face showed much suffering. I said, "you have enough problems, drive carefully" and kicked him loose.
And an amazing number of women were suffering from full bladders when I got them stopped.

Don't ride with a mad woman!


I had a guy try to pull the whole "not my pants" routine after I found a baggie of meth in his pocket. Then as I was putting the cuffs on he decided to mouth off and asked me why I was harassing him and not our arresting "real criminals like all the meth-heads running around out there." My backup officer actually laughed out loud. I couldn't even come up with a response, but I'm sure my face looked something like this:




I also had a nurse I stopped one morning for speeding 45/30. It was the end of my shift, I was tired, and was just going to give her a warning and tell her to slow down. She pulled into the nursing home where she worked, and the first words out of her mouth when I walked up were "just give me the fucking ticket." I obliged her.

The original title didn’t sound too nice. Sorry all!

I stopped a Mercedes on the Blue Ridge Parkway doing 65 in a 45 in the commuter zone around Asheville. When I got up to the window the driver (husband) said “I’m sorry officer, my wife is having labor pains and I missed my exit!” (by about a 1/2 mile). Im no doctor but she did not look to be having labor pains, and looked annoyed to my eye- I strongly suspected it was bullshit. I told him “Get behind me and stay close- I’m going to escort you to the hospital with my lights on”. I got him up to the emergency doors and sat there and waited until they took the Mrs. inside so he couldn’t change his mind on the situation if he was in fact trying to pull a fast one. If she was in labor, I helped them. If she wasn’t, I set them back a good bit on time

quote:

Originally posted by 92fstech:

I had a guy try to pull the whole "not my pants" routine after I found a baggie of meth in his pocket.

It sounds just as stupid in Spanish!
They are ALWAYS their cousin's pants.


First week on the street with my Field Training Officer, and probably my first traffic stop where I was "running the show". Old dude just kinda rolls through the stop sign, so we pull him over.

"Hey Sir, about that stop sign back there..."
"The sign says STOP not STAY!"

I couldn't stop laughing. Had to let my first ticket get away.



There used to be a He/She hooker that worked South Michigan Ave.
Victor / Victoria was its name. Honestly, the best smelling thing I probably arrested, I mean really nice perfume. Short dress, high heels, long hair, nails. The bad thing was HE was the best looking hooker in the area. The rest of the hookers were all crackheads, and were in bad shape.

Anyway, Old Victor / Victoria was out woking the street one slow night and my partner spotted someone about to pick him up. Victor / Victoria hops into the van, the van drives around to the alley, we wait a few minutes and light the car up. He pulls the driver / john out of the van, I get Victor / Victoria out of the passenger side, bring it around to the drivers side of the van. My partner is questioning the driver after the usual "She aint a hooker, I know her!"--- "What's her name?" "How do you know her" "What High School did you two go to?"....
"Aww man, her name is Victoria, I've known her since freshman year, she's always looked fine, like real fine! She was a cheerleader..." and this whole line of bullshit about how long he's known "her".

My good old partner has just about had enough of this nonsense.
"Vicki, show him"...
Well, Vicki whips out his... member... from underneath his blue skirt.

Seeing the look on the john's eyes was absolutely priceless! Even better when he started throwing up all over the place.
"Vicki, did he at least pay you?"
"Yeah, Office, he paid me."
"Go home Vicki."



My partner and I are driving around looking for some trouble to get into, I pull off the street and into the "T" alley. As soon as I turn the corner, here's this dude struggling with a large garbage can, pushing it down the alley about 10 yards from our squad. He gives the "OH SHIT" look.
You can see the feet & lower legs of the dead body sticking out of the garbage can.
We get out of the squad.
"I'm not in trouble, am I?"
"Naa man, not that much"

My partner and I still use that line on each other about 20 years later, and it's still funny.

I started as a lad (18) and stopped a girl I went to high school with who gave me her mother's name and date of birth. This was probably in my first six months. Mom was probably only 15 or 16 years older than daughter, but I'd like to think even if I didn't personally know and recognize her, I'd have figured it out.

Did a traffic stop one night, walked up to the car and it reeks of weed, pull the female driver out, upon searching the rear of the car, find a shoebox with weed and a GIANT dildo. This was a big girl, college basketball player. Her last name was Piggy. I tried to not offend her and asked if she pronounced her name as Pijay or something like that and she replied, no it's Piggy.
My arrest report cracked me up as it said on this date at approximately this time, I arrested Miss Piggy. Miss Piggy was transported to the law enforcement center and so on.

I admire idiots who are quick with a comeback. During my USAF cop days, I was assigned to put a damper on thefts from detached garages in the housing area. I would park and walk the alleys in hope of surprising the burglars. I was standing in the shadows when I saw a dude walking toward me (it was about 3 AM.) carrying a small portable TV. I stepped out into the light and said to him, "taking your TV out for a walk"? He immediately said "no, I just found it and I was looking for you to turn it in to you"!
One less burglar in base housing.

quote:

"Vicki, show him"..

Lol, that's the kind of stuff bodycams have ruined for everyone .

You put this percentage of your pay check in to this account and we match this amount and abracadabra you retire early , it's just that simple.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: bendable,

Lots of BS from traffic stops but here is one:

I am doing a neighborhood request for speed enforcement in a residual neighborhood, the speed limit is 25 and there are kids playing in their front yards. A woman comes speeding through at 52mph...in a 25mph zone. I stop her and she is English:

Me: I explain the reason for the stop and her violation of the speed limit.

Her: She says she was having a medical distress situation.

Me: I ask her what was the medical issue, thinking I may have to call an ambulance for her.

Her: She says she was a "tad bit dehydrated" and that was it.

Me: I tell her there is a very nice gas station a short distance away where she could get a bottle of water and return to my car to write the ticket. I return to her car to issue her the ticket.

Her: As she is signing the ticket, she says she is English and "if we were in England, she would have my job. You would be fired for giving me a ticket."

Me: "Well, I am Irish, so if we were in Ireland, I would be blowing up your car. It is good thing for both of us that we are in the United States of America. Here is your ticket, have a nice day."


Funniest story: So I am running radar, so a car approaching me, speeding way over speed limit, get a radar reading verifying its speed. As the car passes me, I see the young lady in it, beating her steering wheel and I can lip read enough to understand the various profanities she is using. Stop her, get her information and write a ticket. The following is an account of what occurred as I issued the ticket:

Me: "Ma'm this is a ticket for speeding."

Her: (Does a little hair toss and looks at me with a big smile), "I thought Police Officers didn't give beautiful women tickets."

Me: "We don't. I need you to sign by the X and your court date is XX/XX/XXXX."

Her world was rocked so hard, she looked like a bobble head doll.

Not a LEO but this story was told to me circa 1970, I was acquainted with all four participants, two couples.

Back then in Western Wayne County there is a park named Cass Benton Park. One part of it there was a big hill that was called Beer Hill for many years. Anyhow as usual there was an outdoor party there. Wayne County S.O. pretty much (back then) looked the other way. One thing they were pretty big sticklers about was driving or parking vehicles on the grass. Certain ticket if you did.

So anyway, they were parked on the grass several feet off the road. Two Deputies pulled up, approached the car. Lead Deputy said to the driver “Why are you parked on the grass?”

Driver answered “No officer, it’s because of the grass we’re parked.” Yeah, herbal substances….

Driver got ticketed.

Got caught speeding, smugly admitted to it, and still got off scot-free.

From the other side. Years ago, I was still at home and out driving my parent’s car, when the officer lit me up. I pulled over and rolled down the window so he could see in. The officer looked in and then asked me “Are you the judge’s son?” I admitted I was and his next comment was too funny, “Well this was a career ending move on my part. Please tell your father your tail light is out and have a good night.” He let me go and I went about my business and fixed the light the next day. Oh yea, I knew the light was out when he pulled me over and my father warned me about it. I found out later he knew my younger brother who looked just like me at the time.

Got pulled over in my friends mothers car with 4 of us drinking as teenagers. Po pulls us over. Friends decide it’s a good idea to empty a case of beer on the floor of the back seats. Officer knows the driver and his mother. Looks in back and asks “what do we have going on here?” Nothing officer, just some beer. He says “you boys have a nice evening”. Driver says “what not even a ticket?”. Po says “nope, nothing I could do to you would compare to what your mother is going to do to you when she sees her car. Have a nice evening!”