I've been a member for a good while but never really share much but I guess it's time.

Late last spring my wife's mother was diagnosed with stage 4 lung and brain cancer and wasn't expected to see Thanksgiving last year. With prayer, chemo, and a strong will she's still with us today. Three weeks ago she called at 3:30 in the morning and told us she fell around 1:00 and couldn't get up, her one leg wouldn't work and was just twitching.

We made the 20 minute drive pretty quickly and called an ambulance, I told her she should have called us right away. That was Sunday night/Monday morning. She came home from the hospital on Thursday and my wife stayed with her Thursday and Friday. Her leg doesn't work very well and won't improve so she can't be alone. The past couple weeks my wife stays with her during the day and I go in the evening to stay the overnight so my wife can go home. The oncologist told us she's nearing the end so we're just trying to keep her home where she wants to be and make the rest of her time as comfortable as we can.

The business my wife and I have run for the last 36 years ceased operations the end of August and that turned out to be a blessing in disguise because it made it possible for us to give her all the time she needs. I've been working with a crew emptying out the plant and all machinery so my days are filled with some time at work, some time at home trying to get the property ready for winter, and some time making sure my dogs remember who I am. Nights I'm on mom in law's couch, surfing the forum, and watching Gunsmoke till she falls asleep.

I worry that if she passes during the night I don't think I'm going to call my wife. I don't want to give her the news during the night when she's alone. She knows time is short but she'll be devastated and I don't want her driving Mach 7 in the middle of the night while she's crying. My plan is just to sit with her mother and be here for her when she gets in in the morning. If anyone thinks that would be the wrong way for me to do things please feel free to voice it and thanks for listening.

You may have a hard time with your wife for a spell after by not calling her, but after her mother passes, it makes no reasonable sense for your wife to be traveling during a very emotional time.


You have a pretty good idea how this will weather with your wife, over time.

I believe your staying with your MIL at night and being supportive will overcome any short term repercussions.

That said, I agree with the choice you are considering.

You both have my condolences during this journey.

Thanks for that. I've been down the cancer road with my sister. It's hard. You're blessed to be at a stage in life where you can spend time. Thoughts and prayers. You have my condolences in advance.

Do let your wife know, but tell her that driving mach 7 will not change anything and to be safe. I got the call for my sister's passing at 4:20 am. I stayed up and made flight reservations.

You know your wife better than anyone. If you think she will handle the news as you say. Then I am with you. But you might be surprised and she may handle it differently and in that case a call to her when she pass' might be the best. Maybe tell her what you are thinking and let he decide after you tell her your concerns.
Sorry about the situation and prayers for her and you all.

Tell her your plan, tell her it's thought-out, and in her best interest.

I suspect her mother will agree with you; maybe if you tell her first, she'll support you if your wife doesn't like the idea.

Sorry for all the grief you and your wife are going through.

Women think differently than we men do, no matter how well we think we know them. I do believe I would call the wife when your MIL passes.

You know your wife best. I would talk with her, and maybe plan for her to stay overnight with you as your MIL worsens?
Do you have an at home hospice care nurse stopping in? They can take a tremendous burden from your shoulders and also give you a timeframe if they’re monitoring her vitals when they visit. So many have seen so much that they typically have a good idea. You’re a good man, both in helping out in this extremely difficult situation, and in wanting to protect your wife. I bet she might already have an inkling of your plan.

I asked my wife if we were in that scenario and i didn’t call her just because it was the middle of the night. She said she’d be very upset with me. She also said “why would I speed to be there if there’s nothing left to do?”

Thank you. As much as I don't want to call her I have to admit it's probably the right thing to do. We do have Hospice coming in, the nurse agrees with the doctor that it's close. They're thinking two weeks is optimistic. The oncologist is of the opinion that with the brain cancer she'll just go to sleep and slip away when it's time. My wife would be here round the clock but I told her she needs some rest too and one of us needs to take care of the dogs so she gets the daytime when the nurses are coming in and I sleep on the couch next to the hospital bed at night. I do hope that my wife is with her when the time comes. I already told her I hope it's her calling me rather than the other way around.

I have shepherded a father, step father and mother in law through the end of their lives due to cancer.

Specific to your plan, discuss it with your wife. See what she wants and needs.

We had a plan in place and this was ours. My wife was with her mother when she passed in Hospice care in the hospital. She called me around 4am, about 20 minutes after her mother quit breathing. We had two small children at home, so I had my M-I-L's best friend on call. I called her, she picked up and said "I'll be right there" and hung up. She arrived in about 10 minutes and I then drove to the hospital very slowly. The cancer journey is so stressful that I have found that when the end comes, it is almost a bit of relief.

And with all of that said, lean into Hospice. They are there to help. There are there to ease your burden. I think back to my M-I-L's time at the end and our extended family would not have been able to manage without their care and assistance.