My mom's 57 years old. Her and I don't have a very...good relationship since her and my dad split, she abandoned us for her new family when I was a teenager, went through a second divorce, bankruptcy, and hit rock bottom and lost everything.
I'm trying to maintain a relationship with her, but it's hard. I see her maybe once or twice a year. But...she still depends on me, i'm her emergency contact, she's cut off the rest of my family.

Late March she calls me crying that she thinks she almost died, was in the hospital, etc. She passed out at work, her blood pressure dropped, etc. She said she doesn't know why. I took off work, rushed to be with her. She seemed fine and I took her to her doctor.

Then lately she's been sending me weird text messages. Like, really, really weird jibberish. On Wednesday, she called me bawling her eyes out that she is glad she got ahold of me, and that she'd been trying me for hours.

I asked her what happened, did she forget my #? No, she said she forgot how to eat food and forgot how to use a phone. What the...?
Then she said her work said they fired her and she was lying and she needs to talk to her union rep and they're so mean to her. Very emotional...very weird.

Then Weds night/early Thursday morning she sends me more weird, incoherent text messages. Thursday morning like 3 AM my cell phone rings. You know that ominous loud sound of a ringer at 3 AM? I look and it's her #. I don't know why, but I couldn't pick it up...I didn't want to know what was going on. Sounds weird but I couldn't bring myself to answer. Then she phoned me back 2 minutes later, screened it.
Then text messages throughout the night from 3 AM onwards to 6 Am that just say nothing but incoherent babble.

The next day at work, I call her to check up. She sounds distant...like she can't form a sentence. I keep saying "hello..." she can only say one word at a time. She sounds really pissed off. I tell her I'd like to come check up on her, and decide I will do so that day after work.

Later that afternoon I am at work and I get a call from the hospital. She's there...somebody saw her acting strange and called the cops. An ambulance brought her in.

I get there as soon as I can...wow she looks like shit. Her teeth, once straight, are crooked and out of place like they're knocked loose. She's got a huge bruise on her chin. And she's lost a ton of weight.

She had 3 seizures and they are testing her for infeciton. Test her for all sorts of stuff. Negative.
Then it comes out - the hospital staff asks me...does she drink?
Uh, I think sometimes? I don't know, I'm not close with her any more.

Damn. I had no idea.

She denies it. She said she only had a drink. Then she said she had none. Then the cops hit her and busted her teeth. But she can't remember.

So this morning I go see her. Social worker talks to me in private...tells me her symptoms and behaviour is something of somebody who is a very heavy, like obscenely heavy drinker. I show her the text messages she's sent.

She said my mom alleges to have quit her job. This is bad news, because she's pretty broke and will lose her apartment and become homeless pretty quick. Social worker gives me a heads up, that with this heavy boozing, I'm going to see her attitude change.

I go back in the evening to see my mom. She is very lucid but very mean to me. Basically telling me I'm not believing her when she says she has had nothing to drink, that she just had a stroke (which she didn't...) and her elderly friend had one and she is still much more coherent than I am (gee, thanks...), just being nasty. I left.

I'm heading to dinner with my girlfriend. Her co worker called me. Said my mom's been acting strange, showing up late, coming to work smelling strongly like liquor. They had to take her car keys and she's suspended pending investigation. If she doesn't admit she has a problem, she loses her job. If she admits it, she keeps her job and can get rehab paid for.

But she's adamant she's just having random strokes and seizures (she DID have 3 seizures, which the hospital staff said was from such heavy drinking). She's going to send me info for my mom's union rep, and info about her work. Says my mom didn't quit. But they are VERY worried about her behaviour, think she's drunk and possibly mixing it with pills.

So now I know my mom is a very heavy drinker and if she doesn't stop, she's going to lose her job and keep ending up in the hospital and possibly die.
But she refuses help.

I'm the only family member left she talks to. And we're not very close.

I don't now what to say. I am sorry you are going through this and I will keep you and your mother in my prayers.

Have that t-shirt.

My mother finally killed herself with alcohol. Her journey started when my father was killed in 1958.

Took her 40 years to get to the end. (I lived in 21 different homes before I was 7 years old. Not different places/houses, but other people's homes. Different family members, 3 different step father's families homes, foster homes, and orphanage and finally on my own at 16, literally, tossed out like a Frisbee out the door and onto the driveway.)

Yeah, I got the 3 am calls. If I could have left the phone off the hook or disconnected the ringer, I would have, but I was in the USAF and on alert flight status so that was a no go.

It's hard, and I will not deny it, nor sugar coat any of it. It was not until after her death, and several years that I realized it was her choice, and that I should bear no shame or guilt.

I do not hate her for any of it. In spite of it all, she dealt with her demons the best she knew how. She fought them, and never intended to hurt or harm anyone along the way. But it took a long time to get to a place where I chose this POV.

Do what you can and are able to bear, and if you find that the burden is greater than what you can deal with, there is nothing wrong at all with calling it as it is and doing what you have to do to preserve your self. Even if you have to turn your back and walk away.

No shame.
No guilt.
The choices she has made are hers.
You did nothing wrong.

More people than folks realize deal with this in their lives.

All you can control is how you live your life.
You are stronger than you know.

You have my empathy.

You have two choices,

1.) You can take the same road she did and leave her, like she did to you. Sorry no easy way to say that.

2.) You can put what she did to you behind you and help her. Stand by her, help her accept her problem and promise to be there for her. Help her find the right path.

I faced the same crossroad with a close friend, former cop who I worked with for years. Disagreement destroyed, our brotherhood (or so I thought) and our friendship.

That changed when I saw him jammed up over nonsense, due to his union/work affiliations and paying a heavy price. I put the bad past aside and did the right thing.

If you're asking at Para's House, the answer is to do the honorable and right thing, not the easy way out.

PM if you need to chat.

Spunk

As monkey points out, all you can control is how you live your life. My mom passed away from causes directly related to her heavy abuse of alcohol. It took a very long time for it to play out. She had seizures and was hospitalized for acting incoherently. Nothing, including rehab worked for her. It took me a long to me to realize that her lot in life was not my fault, and that it was ultimately her decision to destroy herself.

A friend of mine literally drank himself to death, and like others have posted, it took years for it to play out.
He was assigned to our dope unit. One night I found him passed out at the wheel (driving a brand new Cadillac which I seized during a dope arrest)after he had driven off the road and up an embankment under a freeway overpass.
I took him home, got the car out from under the bridge and..... Said nothing to anyone in our command staff.
I cant help but wonder if I had taken action then (probably by arrest) that I might have made a difference in his alcohol abuse. The decision I made that night bothers me to this day.
As for your Mom, do what your conscience dictates. Her choices are hers alone, not yours.

Al-Anon, they are not AA.
They will help you deal with an alcoholic.
You and they can’t fix her but will help you deal with the situation.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: 220-9er,

I've very sorry. I had a similar situation with my parents.

As hard as it is, try to separate yourself from this. It's completely beyond your control and it has the potential to really screw things up for you.

I didn't find peace and live a 'normal' life until I was able to do this.

These two responses are not completely at odds:

quote:

You have two choices,

1.) You can take the same road she did and leave her, like she did to you. Sorry no easy way to say that.

2.) You can put what she did to you behind you and help her. Stand by her, help her accept her problem and promise to be there for her. Help her find the right path.

quote:

As hard as it is, try to separate yourself from this. It's completely beyond your control and it has the potential to really screw things up for you.

She can turn it around and improve her life, but you cannot make that decision for her. All you can do is be there for her if she truly wants to stop. Ultimately, it's her choice though and you can't beat yourself up if she doesn't want help.

AA is a good support system for the alcoholic who admits their problem and wants to change their life. But no one can force her to choose recovery.

That’s a tough spot to be in.

I wish I had more to offer.

quote:

Originally posted by sigmonkey:
Have that t-shirt.
.

Me too. Just found out in the last year. She had hid it very well. Had some medical conditions that caused me to not put two and two together.

In the last year she's wrecked her car three times. Parked in her and my yards. Had a DWI. I've had to drive her home from WORK three times and her boyfriend has three times too that I know about.

Boyfriend never told me about it, said its been going on for nearly a decade.

I don't care if she drinks herself to death, I don't want her killing someone innocent. She drinks to the point of not even being able to talk. Her DWI was three states away, and the trooper that pulled her over told her boyfriend that there was a half drunken bottle of liquor on passenger seat. She denied drinking. She always denies it even though she can't walk or talk. We had an intervention, it worked for a week, then another. She either stopped or hid it better for a while. I wonder what her customers say when they see her in this state?

She's lost, all I can do is pray for her. Maybe she'll have a wake up call before she becomes homeless or kills someone. Her boyfriend is done with her, but is too kind to kick her out thus far.

Sorry you are dealing with this acid, very few people come back from the abyss. I will pray for you guys.

If my mother abandoned me and my siblings I know what I would do. Block her number and anyone associated with her.

You are in a very tough position.

On one hand, somebody is making a choice to throw her life away. It's her choice.

On the other hand, it is your mother.

She will not accept help until she is ready to ask for it.

You, on the other hand, probably do need some help. Seek counsel from a professional, who will help you see things clearly. Whether it's Al-Anon, or an LCSW -- my wife is a Licensed Clinical (psychiatric) Social Worker and works with this sort of problem as part of her practice.

You are likely too close to the problem to be able to really understand it without guidance from a professional, or from those who have been there and come through it.

All the best to you, and I hope that your mother recognizes the problem for what it is, and takes steps to seek help before her life is totally destroyed.

quote:

Originally posted by sigmonkey:
Have that t-shirt.

My mother finally killed herself with alcohol. Her journey started when my father was killed in 1958.

Took her 40 years to get to the end. (I lived in 21 different homes before I was 7 years old. Not different places/houses, but other people's homes. Different family members, 3 different step father's families homes, foster homes, and orphanage and finally on my own at 16, literally, tossed out like a Frisbee out the door and onto the driveway.)

Yeah, I got the 3 am calls. If I could have left the phone off the hook or disconnected the ringer, I would have, but I was in the USAF and on alert flight status so that was a no go.

It's hard, and I will not deny it, nor sugar coat any of it. It was not until after her death, and several years that I realized it was her choice, and that I should bear no shame or guilt.

I do not hate her for any of it. In spite of it all, she dealt with her demons the best she knew how. She fought them, and never intended to hurt or harm anyone along the way. But it took a long time to get to a place where I chose this POV.

Do what you can and are able to bear, and if you find that the burden is greater than what you can deal with, there is nothing wrong at all with calling it as it is and doing what you have to do to preserve your self. Even if you have to turn your back and walk away.

No shame.
No guilt.
The choices she has made are hers.
You did nothing wrong.

More people than folks realize deal with this in their lives.

All you can control is how you live your life.
You are stronger than you know.

You have my empathy.

This is a very important statement right here, we cannot take on guilt for others addictions, choices and outcomes in life. My father struggled with alcohol for many years, it was not until he decided that he was done with it did he stop drinking and get sober, that was 30+ years ago and he is doing well for 70 something. The only thing you can do is try to get you mom help, if she absolutely refuses then it is her choice not yours. I hope and pray that it turns for the better.

Sorry to hear. You can't help an alcoholic unless they want help. Like a drowning person they'll take you down with them.

I got less than half way through your post and already knew what you were going to say. The first words out of my mouth when my brother called me to tell me that our mom had been admitted to the hospital for alcoholism were “Well that explains it.”

My mom was never very motherly but she took it to a whole new level when I was about 11 and she walked out. She was kind enough to leave us with about 40 grand worth of credit card debt that my did was unaware of. Turns out the money went to gifts for her various boyfriends.

I lost a lot of my childhood, my dad lost all of his retirement and had to quit a stable and high paying job because he wasn’t able to travel with two kids at home. I had to go to work and help pay the bills to keep our home.

She used to call at weird hours and ask for my brother who was 5 years younger than me. She’d ask if he was home at 11 at night and stuff. We came home one time and she was standing in our kitchen eating dog treats. She was just wierd. Or so we thought. Turns out when I was 22 we found out that she was just a drunk.

It’s been 17 years and she doesn’t drink any more. I’ve forgiven her and she’s spent a lot of time trying to be the best grandma to our kids that she can to try and make up for being a shit mom. But it’s still a different relationship than most mothers and kids have.

I’m sorry for your situation and sympathize. 17 years ago I never thought I’d have any relationship with my mom but as it turns out it’s okay. Not great but okay. Hopefully things work out for you both.

My first thought was Korsakoff syndrome. Is that what they're thinking?

Only thing that "might" help is if you know anyone in AA.( AA only claims a 50 % recovery rate for those that walk in of their own initiative) Preferably women who would be willing to go talk with her when she is at a low point. That's how the original members operated. One drunk talking the talk to another. Shared symptoms of the same disease from a fellow sufferer can bring about miraculous insight to the afflicted. "If" she is down enough to listen, and it's a different low point for each individual. Alcohol is cunning baffling and powerful to it's victims. A using Alcoholic is a whirlwind to all around especially their families and those that care about them. And specifically if they think they can protect or fix them. All the love and compassion not to mention money in the world will not be enough to change them. It will only cause you heartache, suffering and misery.

Thank you all for your heartfelt, wonderful replies. Sorry that some of you had to go through with it the same. I'm not going back to the hospital today. I'm done trying for the time being, I just can't see her like that, know the truth and just...still have her ignore it.
At least I know that she is safe there.
Unsure if they released her or not.
I'm glad her work didn't fire her, and she didn't truly quit.

Shitty thing is that I am going to have to wait it out.
Her co workers love her but noticed a change, hospital is trying, her estranged daughter (my sister) came down to see her, nothing's helped.
I'm thinking to reach out to Al-Anon.

All throughout this whole thing, I'm still not very close to her. I'm pretty estranged from her myself.

quote:

Korsakoff syndrome

I'm not too sure TBH. The hospital staff haven't really told me much else besides what they strongly suspect.

Bad situation. I have no advice, but you are in my prayers.