Might be nothing - but might be something.

My Dad was a University professor - one of the best schools in the country. He was Dean of the department. Wrote over 20 textbooks. Did consulting work for developing countries.

At about the same age he started to say sexually inappropriate things to women. Mostly about their breasts. He seemed fine in other ways.

Turned out it was the first symptom of Alzheimer's. He died 8 years later not being able to recognize his own kids.

Still having sexual thoughts at 85, one would hope so! Maybe he just thinks fuck it, I'm enjoying life while I can. I caught my dad looking down my wife's cleavage once at around that age even with dementia setting in, good for him! Maybe his sexual needs are not being attended to at home... perhaps some viagra would be helpful... perhaps introduce him to Porn Hub... ...or maybe not, LOL... I could see that backfiring.

But seriously...
He probably is just loosing his filters, loosing his "couth". My mom and dad both did to some extent. They would say things that they would have never said when younger, or saying out loud what they might have whispered before. No idea how to, or if, you can correct it. I guess you need to consult with his Dr if it starts to be a real problem.

I concur with all saying to have him checked out by doctors. After primary, would suggest neurologist, especially one who specializes in geriatrics. Don't necessarily listen to the first, it took two until we found one with my Mom.

She as far as they can tell she does not have Alzheimer's but a type of dementia that came from what can be described as a series of mini mini stokes. Basically she has no more filter, aka says and talks with all kids. Memory is also affected. She was a school teacher for life. It is a plateau and has good/bad and other days. Doc says it can stay or get worst, who knows. Not much of anything that you can do other that have patience.

When you do go, they will have a short mental assessment, but your dad will need the long test. The short one, a person can "cheat" through based on their intelligence. The long test takes care of that bias.

Talking with the doctors can give you some techniques for handling and deescalating moments. Like with mom, don't confront, but rather "Come on Mom, we have to go, we are going to be late"

Wish the best for you and your father.

Ummm... just a guess, but I think its an age related health issue.
My elderly FIL kinda went this way, appearance wise. He wore pinkish house slippers to Krogers!
That was a bold fashion choice!
Good luck with your Dad!

Thanks all for the feedback, and yes, I even get the humor...

I LOVE my dad, so I'm confused as to what to do, but I think I'll first research some geriatric doctors in his area and see their credentials/specialties and then go from there.

I'm also really afraid of bringing up the conversation myself so as not to ruin an otherwise great relationship while he is in his twilight years.

Again, thanks for the suggestions.

James

After my Dad got cancer, he seemed to become more inappropriate around females. Especially at first, before he became really ill. I’ve often wondered if it was a sub-conscience rage against the inevitable, a grasping for life in the final sunset of his own. We let him run his own course, and now he is remembered as a caring, loving, and considerate person. Perhaps your father is in a similar mental state, and this will resolve itself without your interference.

I think in the end, my father, without knowing so, was following the poet Dylan Thomas’ advice:

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

I work with a lot of elderly people. I am sometimes at the receiving end of their comments. I usually try to brush it off & be professional about it. In fact, I am the person that gets the "difficult" people because I don't let it show that it gets to me & I have LOTS of patience. I often see the spouse of adult children of these elderly clients & you can tell they are in the same situation you describe. In 3 years I really only recall 1 creepy old man that I finally had enough with & I totally called him out on it. Matter-of-factly told him that his comments were not appropriate & I was more than happy to help him, but only if he kept it professional. He shut up after that.
I would be concerned about a parent pummeling his ass if he was inappropriate with their child or the police being called on him.
I'd see if a specialist or therapist could see him. May not stop the behavior but at least curb it with children.

I am looking at this with some level of experience, my Uncle is going through the same thing, and my wife deals with this as a speech therapist.She say Alzheimers or dementia is a good bet. She also added that he may have had a small stroke. Good luck,

Jim

We went thru this with my FIL, he had Alzheimer’s.
At first it was not so bad but it only got worse as time went on. When he was still driving we had the bank Vice President call the house and tell my wife he would not be welcomed back if he continued to say those things to the tellers. He told a teller that he “liked those black’uns” earlier that day when he was at the bank.

Due to his disease there was no talking to him about it. As time went on he eventually quit.

My 76 year old dad does this but he says sexuality explicit things. He even says them to his step daughter. The nurses refuse to work around him due to his vulgarity. I had a talk with him and told him to stop it, he thinks it’s funny. He’s in a wheel chair and can’t care for himself, I don’t think people need to put up with him. I told him if he keeps it up he will only get male nurses. He’s got beginning of dementia and Parkinson’s but he knows what he’s saying. There’s a difference in flirting and being vulgar.

I see nothing wrong with telling a 20 something that "she likes to be stared at".

It sounds like his wife told your fiancé that this behavior has been going on a very long time, so it's not anything new.

But, having him flirt and such with much younger women in the manner he is (not grabbing them, not saying vulgar words or sentences) sounds like nothing to really worry about. It seems like he just likes the attention. I would start talking to him in the same manner and see how he reacts, or just laugh about it...….It's probably worth talking to him nicely and saying it's inappropriate, but at his age I wouldn't push the issue too much. There might be something a lot more serious going on (health related) and that's why he doesn't seem to care about taking showers and such, so perhaps his physician is worth calling.

quote:

I see nothing wrong with telling a 20 something that "she likes to be stared at".

I think that is pushing it. You are watching too much Mad Men. LOL

quote:

Originally posted by ZSMICHAEL:

quote:

I see nothing wrong with telling a 20 something that "she likes to be stared at".

I think that is pushing it. You are watching too much Mad Men. LOL

Ya, that’s creepy, and in today’s litigious world, dangerous, imho. Imagine if that cutie’s boyfriend was around and took offense.. never mind the cops.
If you got a creepy tingle when he was chatting with the kid, then I’d be worried, esp if he never acted like this when he was younger. But I agree, you’re not necessarily the one to have the conversation. A doc is.

I’m betting with the crowd that a filter was lost, via stroke, dementia, etc.
Good luck. This would be hard to see in a parent, esp one you’ve loved and admired your whole life.

Open robe, swingin' sack hangin' low.

My FIL is 87. He's in that same frame of mind. Sometimes, he does things and, after doing them, asks me if he was wrong. My answer is that, if he has to question it, then it might not be entirely appropriate. But, if the lady isn't offended, don't worry about it!

I’ve seen behavior in patients and family members analogous to this.
I would recommend asking his wife to get him to see a physician with a specialty referral as appropriate.
There are things other than Alzheimer’s and brain tumors that can cause people to be “unfiltered” in their behavior. I remember a “lady” who started rocking her pelvis and singing bawdy songs when here sodium level was 118 or so (dangerously low). It was due to diuretics IIRC.
Time to review his meds, check some labs, get a CT scan....all can be handled in a caring manner by professionals, you don’t need to push.
Best of luck to you!

Watching this thread closely...Mom is 93.
She can be pretty "filterless", that's not really new but really decided F It! 20 years ago.

If anyone is going to play the heavy in your Dad's situation, let it be the docs - not his son.
If he decides doc A sucks, move on to doc B.

Best of luck James!

quote:

Originally posted by jhe888:
I don't know that talking to him will help even if you try it. My mom is 80, and her bad habits are getting worse, and mentioning that to her seems to make no impression on her at all.

This is a question - I do not know the answer:

Could these be signs of Alzheimers or some other dementia?

This is my thought. My mother is only 68 but starting to have a problem controlling the brain to mouth filter. She has a distain for a person in her church, and began smack talking about his person, and they showed up to church and were kindly asked to find another church. I had heard part of the ranting, and what I heard made me cringe. Worst of all, she sometimes she forgets who she says things to, so there is no repairing any bridges. My wife and child have found it significantly more difficult to he around her because of this attitude.

It might the type of behavior that MagicHorse described. But it might also be something else.

We saw this sort of behavior start with my father in law early in his Alzheimer adventure. Luckily it didn't get too bad. You might want to have a chat with his doctor and see if it warrants some sort of check up.

I dated a girl who worked in an "alzheimers? retirement home" who told me stories of the lack of restraint. It would sound horrible to me but as a professional, she always told the stories w/ a chuckle and smile.
There's no way to give a bath to any of these w/o encountering this.
As for the nurses, I they are fine.

quote:

Originally posted by James in Denver:
Thanks all for the feedback, and yes, I even get the humor...


I'm also really afraid of bringing up the conversation myself so as not to ruin an otherwise great relationship while he is in his twilight years.

Again, thanks for the suggestions.

James

Just don't get him upset or mad.
I wouldn't say anything if I was you.

My father is 93 and last year while having a discussion about something very minor (about his VA health care) I was told to get out of his house.

A week later my sister found out that he went to his lawyer and I was written out of his will.
Won't even talk to me anymore. Oh well