quote:

Originally posted by 12131:

quote:

Originally posted by PD:

quote:

The general recommendation is that you should take a month for every year you were married off before you date (in your case, 20 months).

Who made this rule?

Those who made the mistake of doing it too early?

Never heard of such a “rule”. By the time the divorce proceedings are underway and then finalized every guy I know is ready to exercise his free-agency.

Sage advices here.. wow. Exactly my experience as well, dating in the 40s and 50s. All have baggage, including us men. Finances are usually asked or poked around.

Be careful when your ex knows that you've remarried.. 2 close friends of mine, their exes went absolutely nuts and made their lives completely miserable, using kids as weapons of war!

quote:

Originally posted by PD:

quote:

Originally posted by 12131:

quote:

Originally posted by PD:

quote:

The general recommendation is that you should take a month for every year you were married off before you date (in your case, 20 months).

Who made this rule?

Those who made the mistake of doing it too early?

Never heard of such a “rule”. By the time the divorce proceedings are underway and then finalized every guy I know is ready to exercise his free-agency.

This is more for anyone who was totally taken off guard by their divorce and needs time to process the whole thing. My marriage was over for a good year before I finally had enough and divorced my ex. Point being, I was over it long before the ink was dry and started dating right after we legally separated. Let me tell you, it was great.

As far as the kids are concerned, if you're talking about casual dating I wouldn't even say anything. If it comes up in conversation then just casually say something to the effect of "Yeah, I've gone on a few dates but nothing serious." The idea being that it's totally normal that you would date, no need to make an announcement about it.

As far as them meeting someone who things are getting serious with, DO NOT RUSH. I made this mistake a couple times and it complicated things unnecessarily. She has to really be something very special to meet your kids.

BTW, don't be discouraged by some of the negative posts about women. Yeah, many are nuts and many have baggage but if you want to find a good woman to spend your life with, you have to meet a lot of not so good ones. That means dating a lot. My advice? Put your kids first always. Be very low key about your private life with your ex. Date as often as you like but have fun with it, don't take it too seriously, and guard your privacy. Watch out for the crazies and when you see the signs (whole separate post) just walk away. No matter how hot she is, it won't be worth it. Eventually and probably when you least expect it, you could find a seriously good woman. When you do, you'll be very grateful for her.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: LBAR15,

Another rule a friend of mine uses is when the newly met female mentions horses, he runs. Why women want animals but want someone to help them take care of them is beyond me. Every woman that has a horse needs someone to muck the stalls, buy and transport feed, etc is beyond me, but they do. They put it in terms of wanting to share their joy. The reality is something else.

These are hobby horses, not working ones.

Just a quick note of thanks to everyone for their advice, thoughts, and stories.

I'm 50 years old, she's 44 with no kids (cannot have them) and a great paying job. No horses either!

She has put zero pressure on me to tell the boys, muchless meet them.

While I know that I broke the rules of 'newly divorced', I missed the company of women (not just the sex) and enjoyed getting back into the game.

In a perfect world I would have met her 2 years from now, but as we all know, the world is not perfect and this is truthfully the first time I've been happy and felt valued in a relationship for many years.

My ex-wife sprung this on me with no warning, but I saw it coming a mile away and was ready for it. I had even already had a first meeting with my divorce lawyer. She and I were two people who lived together and did an amazing job raising twin boys; I'll never regret that.

The ex and I talk a few times a week and remain friendly, we are going in together financially on the bigger Christmas gifts that they wanted, and she will spend a few hours at my house Christmas morning to watch them open them together.

At the end of the day I want to show respect to my boys, the girl I am dating, and even to my ex-wife; that is important to me.

As I said, the timing in not what I had planned, but that is life, and I am really happy.

Thanks again all.

quote:

Originally posted by PD:
Never heard of such a “rule”. By the time the divorce proceedings are underway and then finalized every guy I know is ready to exercise his free-agency.

There is a huge difference between playing the field and looking for your next SWMBO.

So have fun with the lady you're dating. Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. Your boys are plenty old enough, it won't be a big deal to them when you eventually tell them you're dating.

quote:

Originally posted by PD:

quote:

The general recommendation is that you should take a month for every year you were married off before you date (in your case, 20 months).

Who made this rule?

I said "recommendation" not "rule." There's a difference and I asked many follow-up questions. Every person is different. We're all grown men and the OP asked for an opinion, not a decree. I won't tell a grown man what to do. Chances are the guy will just do what he feels like anyway because at this point in a divorce, emotions are raw and a man is seeking validation by a woman.

How I approach the recommendation depends on how he answers the follow up questions. I need to know the conditions under which the divorce happened before I can give an accurate answer. I need to know if he was rejected or if she was rejected, or did they both grow apart and literally have no feelings for each other anymore. Each scenario warrants a different recommendation.

My opinions are formed by my own personal experiences, failures, regrets, reflections, counsel and sharing with other divorced dads. I'll share what I know but if he wants to figure it out on his own, he's more than welcome to go ahead and do it.

During my divorce, my wife left me for a man I was sharing my Christian faith with. I lost my wife, my three step kids, my house and my two dogs. The man left his wife and three daughters for my wife, daughter and three step-kids. At one point, my wife convinced me that if I let him stay with us during his marital troubles, he'd become a Christian. I still remember taking this man on a church fishing trip with me and during the two hour drive to the coast, he said to me "Tony, you have the most beautiful family. I wish I had your family." A couple of months later, he had my wife, three step-kids, my daughter, my house (which I closed escrow on two weeks prior) and my dogs.

Where did I end up? I ended up with a restraining order that was effective until the divorce was over and assets were divided, living in a single men's household from the church sleeping on a futon in the corner with a blue plastic tub that had some clothes in it.

A month later, my church had a huge split internationally and we had no leader. Half the membership vanished. I lost my nuclear family (except my daughter) and most of my spiritual family with no leader. I never left GOD and never blamed GOD for their sins against HIM and me. I fell into depression and worked excessively and once every couple of months drank excessively. I refused communion for 18 months and and hit the gym 3 hours a day, every day. I had a couple of flings along the way, but I was a wreck.

I developed some serious survival skills during that time that I carry with me every day. I pray this man's divorce was nowhere near as bad as mine was, but we need to know in order to guide him better. In my church, I was the go-to guy for fixing cars or anyone who was going through a divorce. If someone came up to me and said "So and so said I should come and talk to you for advice." My reply was "Please tell me about your car."

It was never about a car unless it was a single sister in the church.

ZSMICHAEL says I don't trust women. That's not true; I don't trust people.

My best friend went through nearly as nasty of a divorce as I did and I literally gave him a five year preview of his life regarding his emotions, reactions, insecurities, parenting, etc, and it's all worked out just as I told him. I told him just how his ex would torment him and use his kid against him and how she'd abuse the court system as well as how she'd react to him dating again.

ETA: I see the OP has clarified some things as I've been typing this. You say your new girl can't get pregnant. That's nice. GET A VASECTOMY ANYWAY IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY! You'd be surprised how she may miraculously have become fertile.

Tony.

Regarding your ex-wife; how did you see it coming a mile away? Was she about to clean out the bank account? Was she cheating? If she was going to screw you over, she'll try it again. Don't let your guard down. Never turn your back on a snake.

Regarding your new lady; don't take her word for it that she's barren. The only tool a woman has to lure a man in is sex and the only asset she has that can keep him is a child. After that she doesn't have to put out, stay attractive or keep clean.

Protect yourself and be cautious. How long have you known her and how long have you been dating her?

I know you like this woman, but I don't know her and I've never seen her , so please don't get offended for what I'm about to write. I'm just running over possible scenarios for your benefit.

I understand the need to feel validated by a woman. I really do. You're in a very vulnerable position right now and women love that. You're attractive to a woman because your broken, hurt and vulnerable. She wants to nurture you as her womanly instinct tells her to and you want to feel validated by a woman because you were rejected and you feel empty inside and worthless; unloved.

If she's telling the truth about her infertility and she's still single, then she's been empty inside and looking for a man who is vulnerable (you) that needs companionship.

If she's lying about her infertility, then she's desperate to have a child and her clock is ticking. She meets you and you're broken and vulnerable and she sees an opportunity to lure you in with rigorous and frequent sympathy sex to get pregnant. Next thing you know, you're starting parenting all over again at 51.

The one thing I know for sure is that when a person's happiness relies on another person's companionship, it's doomed. How can a person love anyone if they can't love themselves first? You're allowing another person to control weather or not you're happy. That's too much burden to lay on another person and too much power to give them over you.

What you feel with this woman right now is shiny and new. It's pleasure, but don't confuse it with happiness or love. You have two great sons that love you. Be their rock in troubled waters. It could be that they are there to keep you afloat right now too.

And be fair to the person you want to be with. If you're going to be in a relationship, don't be the taker. I did not get into a relationship until it had been a couple of years after my divorce and even then, my friends (all husbands in the church) prodded me to open up my heart again. By this time I had persevered and proven to be a responsible dad and developed a self-confidence about me that developed from surviving my trials. At that point I was able to give in a relationship and not take.

Anyway, it's late and I'm signing off now.

May GOD guide you in this time.

Tony.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: benny6,

quote:

Originally posted by benny6:
Regarding your ex-wife; how did you see it coming a mile away? Was she about to clean out the bank account? Was she cheating? If she was going to screw you over, she'll try it again. Don't let your guard down. Never turn your back on a snake.

Regarding your new lady; don't take her word for it that she's barren. The only tool a woman has to lure a man in is sex and the only asset she has that can keep him is a child. After that she doesn't have to put out, stay attractive or keep clean.

What a weird world you live in.

The world I live in, women offer more than sex and don't need to hold a man down against his wishes. Women have jobs, build careers, offer companionship, and are generally significant contributors to their households.

don't take advice from angry and bitter men who have had bad experiences with women probably because of their own bad choices.

Not speaking for anybody here, but sometimes folks just grow apart. I know plenty of people with rough divorces, but I know a handful with very amicable ones. The folks that absolutely insist on always acting in the interest of the children first seem to do just fine.

He does sound angry and a little bitter. His advice is also very sound. I’ve only been married once, still am, but in my world his scenarios aren’t so paranoid. My co workers make very good money and most of the single or divorced guys could echo much of Benny’s story.

The whole kid angle sounds horrible but sadly true.

Almost any mistake with a woman and a relationship can be fixed if you don’t remarry too soon or don’t get pregnant. I wouldn’t TRUST someone you really just met with something as important as she is barren. Maybe she is, maybe she isn’t. You would be the last in a humongous line of guys who found out too late that they had been manipulated.

Good luck.

quote:

Originally posted by Ronin1069:
Just a quick note of thanks to everyone for their advice, thoughts, and stories.

I'm 50 years old, she's 44 with no kids (cannot have them) and a great paying job. No horses either!

She has put zero pressure on me to tell the boys, muchless meet them.

While I know that I broke the rules of 'newly divorced', I missed the company of women (not just the sex) and enjoyed getting back into the game.

In a perfect world I would have met her 2 years from now, but as we all know, the world is not perfect and this is truthfully the first time I've been happy and felt valued in a relationship for many years.

My ex-wife sprung this on me with no warning, but I saw it coming a mile away and was ready for it. I had even already had a first meeting with my divorce lawyer. She and I were two people who lived together and did an amazing job raising twin boys; I'll never regret that.

The ex and I talk a few times a week and remain friendly, we are going in together financially on the bigger Christmas gifts that they wanted, and she will spend a few hours at my house Christmas morning to watch them open them together.

At the end of the day I want to show respect to my boys, the girl I am dating, and even to my ex-wife; that is important to me.

As I said, the timing in not what I had planned, but that is life, and I am really happy.

Thanks again all.

Sounds like for now that you're doing well with everything and I hope it stays that way.

quote:

Originally posted by nasig:
don't take advice from angry and bitter men who have had bad experiences with women probably because of their own bad choices.

Thanks for judging me from what very little I've shared about my experiences. My life is actually quite good and I've learned to deal with past hurts. I'm re-married to a great woman and have an amazing son whom I share about frequently on this board. My daughter and I have a special bond and I share about her too on this board. We're closer than most fathers are with their daughters and despite the trauma she's been put through, I was the rock she leaned on. He trajectory through adulthood looks great (she's 23 now) and I had a lot to do with it.

I resolved a long time ago that I'd help men and women alike deal with divorce if they ask me to. Christians believe that all suffering develops character and I believe my suffering was so that I could help others that needed help getting up when they're knocked down and have the wind knocked out of them.

So now why don't you tell my what makes you qualified to make such a statement about me and what advice do you have for the OP?

Tony.

Just watch out for the former fatties, they will get fat again