Chase is bad.

Lawyer wrote in the trust and POA that we can irrevocably stipulate responsibilities like check writing or tax returns. Meaning my mom and I can stipulate in writing that only I can write checks on her accounts, and then she is banned.

Chase won't honor that and says as long as both of us are listed on the trust, she has access to her accounts. So I have the debit card and checkbook and the checks have only the trust and my name on them. And her accounts are alerted up the wazoo to tell me of any significant transaction instantly. She lives on $200 cash at a time to buy misc. items and prescriptions. If she needs anything major I'll take care of it. Sooner or later I'm going to have to determine when she should stop driving and take the car away.

She signed POA's a long time ago so they were already in place, but I had to update them recently to get everything squared away for Indiana (she was in Illinois when original POA's and trust were signed).

So now whatever happens I can do whatever is needed. She lives a few miles away so it's not a huge deal. But it of course limits my opportunities to relocate or take an extended foreign assignment for my job.

My deadbeat drunk and prescription drug addict sister ran up 140K debt in my mom's name while living with her (my mom was complicit but unable to exert any control) from 2001-2009. My mom's paid off house was basically absorbed by the debt. I didn't find out until after sister died from deliberately neglecting her diabetes, which happened after I had her thrown out for abusing my mom, and we were getting ready to sell her house and move her here. So at least there is no one to argue with as I am the only heir.

It is sad how gullible seniors become. My mom tells me Donald Trump was going to cut Soc Sec if she didn't pay these charities to stop it. I told her it's not true. "But it's true!". Why, because someone asking you for money said so? Turn on the news, do you see any story about Soc Sec cuts? I'm the only person on earth NOT trying to take her money. The assisted living place is nice and they are great, but only because they get paid $2500 a month.

quote:

Originally posted by mark123:

quote:

Originally posted by flashguy:
At the very least it is a method to insure that someone is able to make decisions for her should she become unable to do so herself. If you're the only one being offered that office, I think you should take it. You can delve into what is required later.

flashguy

She's able. She just wants me to do the minutiae.

If she's mentally able and just lazy and demanding, let her hire someone to pay her bills and manage her finances. You're her son, not her butler.
A durable power of attorney puts you in charge of all that, now.
A Springing power of attorney puts you in charge when she is not competent anymore. It sounds like Springing will allow you to be there to help her when the time comes but not risk resenting her for using you as an errand boy, now.

Luck. It's complicated, being a son.

Bruce

quote:

Originally posted by RNshooter:
If she's mentally able and just lazy and demanding, let her hire someone to pay her bills and manage her finances. You're her son, not her butler. ...

Are you a psychic? It's like you can see into the situation.

She's been mostly a good mom but she's manipulative and narcissistic. I think she's enjoying being in the nursing home and is becoming determined to stay there. She needs to get out of there but her dreams of having staff tend to her every need is there.

I feel I'm not giving her honor required by the 10 commandments by saying all this but it does help partially explain my hesitation.

quote:

Originally posted by apprentice:
Good advice so far. My experience was having separate POAs for property and other decision making situations. It was such an eye opener how some places it was a golden ticket and others needed nuclear launch codes to get anything done.

So, take the time to figure out what is needed up front and then get it done asap. It was a very close thing with my parents since they had declined so much before any of this got discussed it almost didn't happen.

Ditto on the above! Also, as you enter into this area of responsibility, please consider requirements to settle the estate once your mother passes. We are in the final phase of settlement following the passing of my father in 2018, and my mother this past December. Dad had full mental capacity and was able to live on his own, his health just failed quickly over the past year. Mom had been declining mentally due to Alzheimer's in the years leading up to Dad's passing, and when he died she was in a care facility and no longer able to make decisions or even sign her own name. Had to set up a Rep Payee account to manager her SS account, and it was much more difficult at that point.

Our estate planning prior to their passing had everything set as Transfer on Death to my brother and me, and that helped significantly, But, we still had many issues to deal with, as some entities, such as banks, utility companies, insurance companies, etc. had requirements to show that I was legally entitled to settle the estate,so further legal assistance was needed.

For many in these circumstances, you don't know what you don't know until you have been thru this. Seeking expert planning advice now would be a good idea.

1) I'm a nurse.
2) I supervise nurses while they take care of patients and their families.
Put those together and I have a talent for reading into situations with limited information

The temporary satisfaction you might get from satisfying the narcissistic side of your mother won't help with the long term damage the day to day reality of being at her beck and call will do.
Facilitate her having someone else do it now. Be prepared and legally able to supervise that person later or take on the duty yourself, when she is incapable.

Doing so will preserve the mother-son relationship better than giving in to her whims now.

My .02

Bruce

Yeah, I've got experience in these matters. You DO want to do this before an issue arrises where she can't speak or make decisions for herself.

NOT doing so can result in hurt feelings and tragedy and outright fraud.

The problem with not taking care of having a durable POA now while she is competent is that she can’t grant one after she becomes incompetent Then you have to spend a bunch of money and time going to probate court to have her evaluated and to obtain a guardianship of her person and estate to be able to take care of her affairs.

The PA durable Power of Attorney form appears to become effective immediately upon signature (not only in the case of her incapacity) and does require the signature of two disinterested witnesses and a notary.

This is yet another one of those threads where the best advise is; you need to talk to an attorney in the state where she lives.
Ideally to have them evaluate her & your situation and draft the correct documents. Otherwise at least pay for an hour of their time to get reliable and legal answers to your questions.
In either case, sit down and write out your questions and concerns beforehand so you make best use of the time and hopefully don't forget something important.

You could at least google what the requirements are to effect a power of attorney in your state or ask a lawyer.

We had one done in CA and it required a notary. I don't even know if it's effective now since I moved to Arizona.

A power of attorney gives you broad powers (assuming she's giving you a general power of attorney and not one tied to specific situations.

It gives you the power to conduct financial transactions in her name including filing income tax returns.

The key traits you need are integrity (so you don't screw her financially) and a thick skin (if you have siblings who would be distrustful of you).

Parents take care of their children when the children are young but there comes a point when the parents need taking care of by the children.

As far as your responsibilities I can only tell you about my experience. I didn't have to exercise medical power of attorney in my Mom's case. She had a stroke and it took her life in 7 weeks. First meeting with the attorney I asked him point blank what am I supposed to do? He said your job is to get the money and bring it here. I thought he was joking but after I was recognized by the court as the representative of the estate that was one job. Banks sometime don't cooperate so be prepared to jump through a lot of hoops. Once that's done the lawyer with set up an account with a bank of their choice where all the bills for the estate will be paid by your signature on check drawn up by the lawyers office from said account. Any real estate you will have to hire a realtor or my attorney offered to do that for a third of the cost. That money will go into the estate account. Cleaning out the house and getting it ready for sale was the most laborious part of this whole thing, and if the buyer uses FHA get ready for a bunch of stupid shit and requirements you are going to have to do to make the house ready for sale. Your last task will be to prepared your loved one's final tax return. Two different returns will be required. Income and estate. My Mom usually got a return for the federal government so that is currently what I'm waiting on. Once that hits the estate will be closed and your done. I must admit I'm glad I only have to do this once. It hasn't been easy, pleasant, or welcome for a variety of different reasons. But, I'm the only sibling in town so it fell to me from the beginning.

Speaking as someone who has been through this three times, it is far better to have those documents in place along with a living will and trusts if necessary.

The inconvenience that it causes while obtaining them is far outweighed by issues solved on the backend.

As one poster said, if not you, then who! The one thing you do not want to do is allow your loved ones to die without a will; imagine the State controlling everything.

Another thing to understand.
There is more than one power of attorney issue. One is for the various financial and property issues. The other is a healthcare power of attorney, or whatever they call it in your state.
Also have her write out a living will. That's what she would like done if she becomes incapacitated and can't express her wishes.
And once again, get in touch with an attorney in her state for help. The sooner you do that, the better for all involved.