SIGforum
How do I help a buddy who’s wife just died?
October 13, 2021, 01:51 PM
dry-flyHow do I help a buddy who’s wife just died?
^^ I appreciate the sentiment, he does drink and is a gun person. He actually taught me to shoot some 30+ years ago. Maybe in a few weeks I can get him to the range.
"Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway." Steve McQueen...
October 13, 2021, 02:05 PM
45 CalHay guys I went threw this many years ago,everyone is different.
My case I wanted to be kinda left the hell alone and let me grieve alone.I did not need food,I needed quite,I did not need to tell what happened time after time.
I did not need a minister group coming to my door from a different church on my front poach start preaching to me and telling me I should come to their church so they could minister to me.I had to pray extra hard that night after I got really pissed at the minister when he told me I was going to hell [will not repete what I told them .
Point being people need to find their comfort zone with out a bunch of helper saying they know how I felt
Let your friend grieve in piece and let him let you know if he is in need of things
October 13, 2021, 02:24 PM
KrazeehorseIf his kids are still at home I'd say drop the food, offer to be there for whatever he might need and hit the road. They probably want to be alone together right now.
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Be careful what you tolerate. You are teaching people how to treat you.
October 13, 2021, 02:38 PM
AKSuperDuallyquote:
Originally posted by corsair:
There's some incidents where you need to force yourself upon them. You have to do it with a deft touch and it'll likely take many, many times of doing it but, they may be thankful in the end. Big thing is to allow him to grieve, 30-years is a long time, this is pretty recent so recognize the space he needs to process it all.
Bringing over meals is a good start. Engage with your buddy, he's without his love for the first time in 30-years. Later on, take him out for lunch, go fishing, bird watching, Sunday drive and meal, daily walk/hike, whatever...get some activity going so that he's not alone dwelling over this. After my grandfather passed away, my parents and relatives would take my grandmother on whatever trip they were planning: winter cabin getaway, wandering through casinos, weekend trips, cruise vacation.
Good advice. I agree with forcing yourself on the situation. Don't simply say, "call me if you need me"
His wife died, if you are a friend, he needs you. Be there. Don't stop by, if you are able, take time off and be there around the clock.
You don't need to say much or anything, you simply need to be there. Cook his food, clean his house, stand in the room or sit on the couch as he falls apart and rides the emotional rollercoaster.
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"The trouble with our Liberal friends...is not that they're ignorant, it's just that they know so much that isn't so." Ronald Reagan, 1964
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"Arguing with some people is like playing chess with a pigeon. It doesn't matter how good I am at chess, the pigeon will just take a shit on the board, strut around knocking over all the pieces and act like it won.. and in some cases it will insult you at the same time." DevlDogs55, 2014
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www.rikrlandvs.com October 13, 2021, 02:58 PM
ulstermanYou can't help. You can only be there for him. Be a good listener.
When my mom died, my dads best friend stopped by the house to check on Dad but he wasn't home.
When Dad came home his friend was sitting on the back porch shining Dad's shoes.
"I have to to something to help".
October 13, 2021, 03:06 PM
Jimbo JonesThats a very good idea too, but I stand by my suggestion. If you dont like it, well thats certainly your prerogative.
I find a trip to the range very relaxing and its impossible to think about anything really besides the sights and the target.
He needs to be with his kids first, and when hes ready to try and return to life, at least he has someone like Dry-fly to be there for him.
Alcohol...no, last thing he needs.
quote:
Originally posted by Aeteocles:
Go to the gym with him.
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It's like my brain's a tree and you're those little cookie elves.
October 13, 2021, 03:09 PM
parabellumquote:
Originally posted by ulsterman:
You can't help. You can only be there for him.
Despite our best intentions, this is the reality of it.
October 13, 2021, 03:50 PM
dry-flyThank you all for the ideas, I know I’ve said that several times already. I know full well there’s absolutely *squat* I can do to alleviate his suffering, I guess the things I was after were in the vain of food, visits, etc. It seems like flowers and food are the go to’s….I just wish I could do more, but y’all have pointed out some great ideas.
"Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway." Steve McQueen...
October 13, 2021, 08:07 PM
K0ZZZ"Look buddy, I know if something like this happened to me, you'd be the first one here making sure I was OK, so I want you to know that I'm doing the same thing for you."
October 13, 2021, 08:18 PM
CooksterMany great suggestions.
Offer to cut his grass, rake leaves, run errands, do some food shopping, light house-keeping, etc.
He may decline as not wanting to impose, but do them anyway if you think it'll be o.k.
Tough spot. Best wishes to everyone.
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"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal labotomy."
October 13, 2021, 09:13 PM
SRIt might depend on whether he has kids or family that are around.
There is lots to do when someone dies. A couple of the most helpful things:
> Someone answer calls for him. Tell people thanks for call and point them to whomever is coordinating meals.
> Have arrangements been made? If not, offer to ride along or drive him.
> Just go over and sit at the house - if nobody else is with him. Only talk if he wants to.
> Does he use a yard service? If not, show up on your own or with friends and cut grass, rake leaves, and make the place look good.
> I read an article years ago that a guy would show up with his shoe shine kit and make everyone's shoes look good for the funeral. That sort of opened the door for discussions.
Backstory,
I offered to drive a friend to make arrangements after his father died unexpectedly. My friend was ready to pick the most expensive casket (which he couldn't afford). I found one and said 'wow, look at this one, it's really nice.' (It was nice but not super expensive.)
At the cemetery they were showing him really expensive plots. I found a nice spot with enough room for his dad, mom, uncle, himself and a spouse. Those were about the same price as the plot they were trying to sell him for his dad. Years later he told me how much he appreciated my help that day.
Speak softly and carry a big stick loaded Sig October 13, 2021, 09:22 PM
AKSuperDuallyquote:
Originally posted by SR:
It might depend on whether he has kids or family that are around.
There is lots to do when someone dies. A couple of the most helpful things:
> Someone answer calls for him. Tell people thanks for call and point them to whomever is coordinating meals.
> Have arrangements been made? If not, offer to ride along or drive him.
> Just go over and sit at the house - if nobody else is with him. Only talk if he wants to.
> Does he use a yard service? If not, show up on your own or with friends and cut grass, rake leaves, and make the place look good.
> I read an article years ago that a guy would show up with his shoe shine kit and make everyone's shoes look good for the funeral. That sort of opened the door for discussions.
Backstory,
I offered to drive a friend to make arrangements after his father died unexpectedly. My friend was ready to pick the most expensive casket (which he couldn't afford). I found one and said 'wow, look at this one, it's really nice.' (It was nice but not super expensive.)
At the cemetery they were showing him really expensive plots. I found a nice spot with enough room for his dad, mom, uncle, himself and a spouse. Those were about the same price as the plot they were trying to sell him for his dad. Years later he told me how much he appreciated my help that day.
That sounds like VERY useful help.
As a Chaplain, I've on occasion accompanied people in some of these steps while waiting for family to get there. As much as decisions shouldn't be made in these moments, some simply have to be made. I'm also eternally grateful for family and friends to take over the role.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The trouble with our Liberal friends...is not that they're ignorant, it's just that they know so much that isn't so." Ronald Reagan, 1964
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Arguing with some people is like playing chess with a pigeon. It doesn't matter how good I am at chess, the pigeon will just take a shit on the board, strut around knocking over all the pieces and act like it won.. and in some cases it will insult you at the same time." DevlDogs55, 2014
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
www.rikrlandvs.com October 13, 2021, 10:02 PM
dry-flyGood ideas guys. I tried my best to take him and his two “kids” dinner tonight, but he declined saying another night would be better. These are kinda hard waters to navigate… I want to give him his space, but I don’t want him suffering alone. Given his tendency to be private and withdrawn it makes things more difficult. I’m reaching out best as I can, guess I’m doing about all I can at the moment.
"Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway." Steve McQueen...
October 16, 2021, 01:25 AM
corsairWrite him a note, old school, a physical document with words written by another human being.
Besides the simple condolences let him know you care about him and their kids, and you're available as a good friend. Don't forget the kids, they're young adults and there's no doubt they're having as tough a time processing this as your bud.
October 16, 2021, 01:36 AM
dry-flyMuch appreciated. L
"Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway." Steve McQueen...
October 16, 2021, 08:05 AM
Oz_ShadowKeep checking in, maybe help with a meal in home or out. Sometimes talking about ordinary things in life can be a welcome distraction rather than just asking if they are ok. Now everything may range from numb to completely raw. A lot of people stop checking in after a couple of weeks so that’s when it might be needed most.