I just got a text from a close friend of 30 some years, his wife died this AM. We’d been in touch daily and I was afraid this was coming. She was in the hospital with covid, she’d been on a vent for about a week.

Anyway, he gets withdrawn, closed off and can be hard to help when its needed. He has two young adult kids as well. I feel quite helpless, it seems like I need to be doing something but don’t know what. *I need suggestions please.* Flowers would be lost on them. We are going to take them some food tomorrow. He has already texted that he can’t talk….which I expected. I texted back saying to call me anytime and that I was here when needed.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: dry-fly,

quote:

We are going to take them some food tomorrow

Sounds like a plan

Just let him know you are there if he needs you, and then tell him again the next day

You're on the right track. Organize a group of folks to keep cooking meals...casseroles are good, one-dish meals. If he likes sports or a particular show, go over and just watch TV with him. Do things that he likes to do...it'll be just sheer diversion, but you never know what will cause him to open up.

Prayers to ya, buddy.

Thank you guys

Sorry for your friend's loss.

Your friend's life will be a whirlwind of activity with funeral arrangements, beneficiary claims, etc. but that will only last for a couple of weeks. After that, boredom and not having someone to talk to can lead to depression. That's when he will need you, after things slow down.

There will be a flurry of well intentioned friends and family who want to help at first but over time they will get busy and resume their own lives. Be the guy that’s still there down the road checking in and helping out.

Good advice, after 60 years of marriage my mother passed a two years ago this November. Leaving my 83 year old father alone for the first time in decades.

Have to say I've never seen him that way, stay in touch, offer up some meals, take to lunch or to dinner, and get him out of the house, this is key, just text, check in, stop by, contact is key.

If he's having a service show up, it means a lot to people.

Take him some food, keep checking in on him. Expect some of those phone calls to be awkward 1 minute conversations. There isn't anything at all you can do to fix the "problem" of his wife dying, so just be genuine and available. Have empathy, not sympathy.

Thanks again for the advice folks, my dad died this last February… I guess 95% of the attention/assistance went to my mom so I’m kinda at a loss.

quote:

Originally posted by TXJIM:
There will be a flurry of well intentioned friends and family who want to help at first but over time they will get busy and resume their own lives. Be the guy that’s still there down the road checking in and helping out.

This. Most people who suffer loss like this say the toughest time is 2 or 3 weeks in, when everyone else has gone on with their lives, but your house is still empty. That's when you need to be the guy.

Being a buddy is all you need to do. You don’t even have to talk. You really can’t mess this up. Just show up. Go get a burger together if you’re hungry.

Sorry to hear DF. Sounds like he is in close proximity to you. Just check on him. Spend time with him. Let him control any conversation. If he does not want to talk. Just be there for him.
I can only imagine he will go through a wide range of emotions. Let him. Just be there for him. Well wishes for you both.

quote:

Originally posted by dry-fly:
I We are going to take them some food tomorrow.

Don't forget the beer!

Also, if there is an activity you both enjoy (e.g. shooting), get him to commit to a regular outing, say once a week/month, and then follow through on it. He will have to get out of his old routines anyway, and finding some new ones will help tremendously.

Take him to the gun range.

No talking required. He'll get out of his head for a few minutes and have to focus on sending rounds downrange.

quote:

Originally posted by architect:

quote:

Originally posted by dry-fly:
I We are going to take them some food tomorrow.

Don't forget the beer!

Come on guys. This guy does not need beer or guns at this point. For cry'in out loud. He just lost his wife. Lets use a bit of common sense please.

Edit: Sorry. I saw that he has two adult children. I read that he had two "young" children. The suggestions below are less pertinent as having two adult children means that (theoretically) some of the chores and whatnot will be handled by his children who will may step up in times of crisis

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Set up a weekly cleaning service for him for the next 4-6 weeks.

Set up a meal delivery service for the next 4-6 weeks.

Hire a sitter for a mid week evening for the next 4-6 weeks. He'll need the time to take care of things around the house, paperwork, and for himself.

Most households with children barely keep it together with two fully functioning adults. He'll feel overwhelmed with the amount of work required to maintain "normalcy" for his kids while they adjust. Anything you can do to take up the slack regarding chores will probably have the most impact.

Go to the gym with him.

There's some incidents where you need to force yourself upon them. You have to do it with a deft touch and it'll likely take many, many times of doing it but, they may be thankful in the end. Big thing is to allow him to grieve, 30-years is a long time, this is pretty recent so recognize the space he needs to process it all.

Bringing over meals is a good start. Engage with your buddy, he's without his love for the first time in 30-years. Later on, take him out for lunch, go fishing, bird watching, Sunday drive and meal, daily walk/hike, whatever...get some activity going so that he's not alone dwelling over this. After my grandfather passed away, my parents and relatives would take my grandmother on whatever trip they were planning: winter cabin getaway, wandering through casinos, weekend trips, cruise vacation.

Thanks once again, I knew I’d get get suggestions from the folks at SigForum. Just to clarify, his kids are young adults, like 19 and 23 I think. They are at home with him.

Have to agree, alcohol and guns are not a good solution.