To be brief, I have a family member that struggles with this disease. They’ve been in and out of a few rehabs, and continue to relapse. This has been about 20 years now. We’ve done Al-anon. We are all trying to maintain family ties and be supportive, but 2 days ago I came upon them drinking from a small unlabeled bottle crouched behind a fixture at a family event I hosted. I did not confront; I simply walked away, and shortened the family event.
I feel heartbroken and betrayed yet again, and it’s reflected in my behavior towards them since. They are now texting me what they’ve done wrong, and guys, I’m so tired. I’m so sad.
I don’t want another confrontation. I don’t want to watch them lie to my face again and come up with another amazing, elaborately manipulative story. I love them, but I can’t look at them.
How can I handle this with some grace? I’m afraid I’ll be so angry that I’ll say something I’ll regret.
And believe me, if I say “I believe you’re drinking again and I can’t be around that”, the whole family will shake with the repercussions. My parents are elderly, they don’t need this shit/drama. I don’t either, but none of us wants to “give up” on them.

I suggest you go back to Al-Anon. This is exactly what they help with. You can ask a forum full of gun people and get all manner of well-meaning, but entirely useless advice, or you can go talk to people who have lived through this, people who are living through this. This isn't at all a slam on Sigforum, the people here mean well and have good hearts, but experience is the divider here, full stop.

As a sober alcoholic: Most of us don't quit. Many who do quit don't stay quit. When we're in active addiction, we're liars and manipulators to a degree normal people can't comprehend. I don't know exactly what they'll tell you in Al-Anon because those aren't my people, but I can tell you that continuing as you are, despite whatever you think is best for everyone, is merely enabling this person to some degree. If you'd like to talk further, you're welcome to email me. I'm willing to be very candid and open with you about the mindset of a drunk, but anymore, I'm less willing to do it on the open forums.

Just know that you cannot stop, control, or even marginally effect their drinking. The only thing that makes us want to quit is pain. Emotional, and physical pain is the only true motivator for wanting to stop, and a lot of people don't get enough of that to actually want to make a real change. I know three people who didn't get enough pain to actually stop, including most recently a friend I made in rehab who I stopped hearing from right around a year ago. I searched online for her name last month and found her obituary.

Don't let everyone else's potential repercussions keep you from taking steps to protect yourself. At the end of all things, you're responsible for yourself and your immediate family, and mothers, brothers, aunts and cousins come somewhere way down the line. I went full no-contact with my own father for six years because of his drinking and drugging, and that was four years before I got sober. I was a mess, but I was present enough to know I couldn't have him around my son. You know in your heart what you need to do, you just don't know the best way to go about it yet. They'll show you in Al-Anon. Go to a meeting, share your issues and ask for a sponsor, and work the steps. They can be done in a short period of time, and it's my suggestion that if you get someone who wants you to "sit" in a step or do a step a month, kindly thank them for their time and seek out another. Every meeting is different, don't be hesitant to try a different one if you go to one and don't hear anything or find anyone helpful.

I can’t even to begin to offer advice and can’t imagine being in such a hard position. My heart goes out to you and your family.

What I can offer is prayer. I don’t know if your family is religious but you all will be in my thoughts this Sunday morning.

There are times you take one for your tribe.

I BTDT, too many times, but it is how I was raised - my Scots ancestry say Clan, first, last, always, no matter how fucked up the wayward person may be (and for a long while, that was me).

But go in understanding that your sibling’s drinking is not yours to resolve. Only they can develop a level of willingness to stop drinking equal to that of the drowning victim clutching to a life ring.

Urge them to stop again. Rehab, or at least detox may be in order. Followed by some other practices (AA, religion) that helps them deal with life challenges.

What they do after that is up to them.

quote:

Originally posted by P220 Smudge:
Don't let everyone else's potential repercussions keep you from taking steps to protect yourself.

This.

I had to make the decision to cut my brother out of my life, in order to protect myself.

My parents disagreed with my decision, but a few years later made the same choice themselves.

I can understand your hesitance to "give up on them" as you see it, but at a certain point, that can become what is necessary in order to ensure your own emotional/physical/financial/etc. safety.

This is not your problem to solve. One thing I'm reading in your post is that you feel their behavior is betraying your trust. You cannot trust an active alcoholic. They honestly can't help it. Once you come to this realization, you'll feel better. I grew up in a large family of alcoholics. Some functioning, some not so much. They all quit at some point. Some while they were still alive and hit their bottom, some the bottom hit them. You can be supportive, but you must not enable. They will lie, cheat, steal while active or even new in recovery. Accept it, it's nothing personal. "I love you but you're full of shit" was a pretty common line growing up. Sometimes it worked, sometimes not so much. Take care of you. The disease will take care of them one way or another.

I have a cousin that I grew up with that I had to disown because of his drug addiction. After 20 years of the family giving him every chance and all the support anyone could ask for, he’s a lost cause. Some people just can’t be helped. If he were to clean up he’d be welcomed back but I’m not about to let him or anyone like him drag my life and my family through a hell of his own making anymore.

I wouldn’t even attempt to offer advice except to say there are support groups for family members of alcoholics. Girl I dated in college went through this with her parents who drank. She found a support group that helped her navigate a path through her parent’s alcoholism. I’m sure AA can guide you to where you need to be, whether it’s with them or another organization. I pray you find peace with this.

I've been on both sides of this.
First, don't get angry at them. It's not something they are doing to you nor are they trying to let anyone down. Some people can't quit until something really smacks them upside the head to wake them up. It's not about anyone other than themselves.
Second, you cannot fix them. Nobody can but them. Try to remember that when talking with them and let go of any responsibility you feel. Talk about other things. If there are some behaviors they have when using that cause troubles bring that up and ask them to handle those. If you bring up the drinking itself you will most likely get defensiveness and denial as their drinking is an unhealthy coping mechanism behind whatever they are drinking about. The idea of losing that coping mechanism is very scary because alcoholism seems to erode any other healthy ones you may have had. It's not selfishness that drives this, it's fear and desperation.
I wish you and your family the best.

quote:

Originally posted by pace40:
This is not your problem to solve.

You can't help them unless they want to help themselves.

Consider how their behavior is effecting you and your family. You can't raise them up but they'll surely drag you down.

Be there If they ask for help kicking their problem. Otherwise it's not your problem.

Good Luck.

My stepmother had a brother who was a heavy alcoholic, and no matter what we tried he just kept backsliding because HE wasn’t willing to help himself beat this demon.

When I got the call that he was found dead from an overdose of prescription pills and alcohol, I was not shocked in the least. It was more a matter of “when” with him, than “if”.

Bottom line, you are wasting your time if they do not want to help themselves beat this.

My father was alcoholic. Stopped cold turkey and life turned around for him.

Advice here is good, from many that have been in your shoes.

My suggestion would be to print the letter you wrote us and give it to one of them. Then build that wall between you (& your family)
and them.

Truly, they don’t know the damage they’re doing.

Sorry to hear this. Protect your kids is my only input. They don’t need to be part of this. I wish your family well.

Very sorry to hear. Whether alcohol or some other screwed up deal. We all have to deal with these types of family situation's at some level.

Getting some good responses. I like Ryan225P's especially.

Credit to you for not lashing out. When your parents have to deal with it at an elderly stage of life is especially maddening and upsetting for sure.

Wish you well and peace in some kind of resolution or reckoning.

P220 Smudge is on the money.
Pain is the motivator, albeit physical, emotional, financial, or spiritual. What do they have to lose that will get their attention? Spouse? Car? Job? Their life?

When the pain of quitting is LESS than the pain of carrying on with their drinking, that’s when change happens.

Focus on yourself and getting the support YOU need, first. They are drinking the poison and it’s killing you.

"God grant me the Serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And Wisdom to know the difference."

You can talk to someone at Al-Anon but this is really what it boils down to in the end.

The hardest thing for me to learn was that I cannot solve anyone else’s problems. Only they can solve their problems, and they can only solve their problems if *they* want to. The only thing I can fix is me.

Thanks for your responses, guys. I appreciate all your thoughts and kind words.

Smudge, email sent.