Research good companies to work for and explore making a change. You do not have to act right now, but if you do not start, it won’t happen. Finding a job is like a second job however. Find the right one and so much of your life can change for the better. It’s amazing how much changes when your stress and worry gets reduced significantly. Even the love life can improve with the wife.

sorry to hear FD, there is a lot there. I suggest taking the pragmatic approach.
Break it all down.

Family
Faith
Finances
job
health
recreation
future
etc.

Then sit down with the wife and prioritize it.

Then sort out some solutions to make it better.

I personally would not want to continue down that path. But I understand why many do.

Look down the road a couple decades and try to see what things like like if you do vs making some radical changes now.

I wish you the very best moving forward.

R0gue has it first. Fix the sleep so you can think straight.

After that, full checkup. Better to understand not only the effects of the current environment but how much a change helps if you have data.

And after that… as said, it’s a skilled workers market.

I think others have addressed the work situation pretty well so I'll mention a few other things.
You mentioned a loss of and lack of friendship and I think you should find a church in your area. Here is the church I would be attending if I lived in your area.
Link

You mentioned testosterone replacement therapy. It sounds to me like the way you feel has a lot to do with coming off of testosterone. I understand the hematocrit levels but it's important that you change your diet and eat healthier. Cut out red meat and eat chicken and fish. Try naturally boosting T levels. Increase your Vitamin D and Magnesium supplementation. Lift weights as much as possible. Also, since I assume you shoot firearms, get a hair follicle test done for metals.

You mentioned sleep apnea. It's very important that you keep working on this. Try using Magnesium topical spray before bed. Cut out caffeine, especially after noon. Increase your exercise during the day so you are physically tired instead of just mentally tired. Make sure you limit any foods like dairy that can cause inflammation that inhibit breathing and especially don't eat late in the day.

Most importantly, don't give up. Find a church, get your hormone levels as normal as possible, sleep better, and try to keep your mind off of work.

I found myself in this position a long time ago.

Mine were 90 hour weeks away from home. Felt imprisoned by the pay.

If you need a change then break down what you can change and what you can’t.

Can I change my job? My hours? Lateral move?
Can I get a new bike and truck?
Can I NOT replace a roof?

If you can’t change something shift focus to what you can. Jobs rarely bring us the happiness we feel we need but it’s also not their purpose. Find your happiness on your own. Figure out what satisfies you.

You’re gonna have to make the changes, but recognizing you gotta do something is fantastic.

Try not to think of it as being stuck in park, but realizing you gotta get on the gas headed somewhere. It’s just step one so it seems crappy.

And as Rogue said, fix the sleep first.

I stuck it out at a job several years past where I should’ve bailed out. It nearly killed me. If you don’t fix the situation it will continue to have horrific consequences for your health. How to fix it? Good question and not a simple answer. For me, just leaving that hate factory was enough.

FWIW, you ARE NOT YOUR JOB!

Loved my job but it turns out that my job didn’t love me anymore.

I was IT.

The lone IT guy at a middle size company for thirty years until the fun vanished and it started eroding my health.

There’s a full amazing world out there. Get out and make friends with it.

No clue as to your financial situation but all things considered it can’t be worse than what i lived with.

At 50 you can still find opportunities or create them.

Best of luck.

0-0

I would recommend talking with your employer to get a better work - life balance. If that doesn't work, move on. Life is way too short. This bit of advice coming from someone just like yourself but about 10 years older. My job was killing me but not anymore.

Some great advice already given here.

But from one who personally knows what stress and lack of quality time away from the job can do (I had a heart attack ), run, don't walk to safer saner conditions! Your health and sanity are paramount to you and your family!

As a fellow IT guy I recognize your keen analytical skills (critical in IT) and you know what you need to do.

Health and Stress are your issues.

Health - diet, exercise, sleep.
Stress - fix your job.

BOTH are important and BOTH are interrelated.

Fix both at the same time.

Suggest first look hard and nutrition and exercise.
You will be amazed at how this will make your feel.
For me I started on a low-carb (KETO) diet and ramped up the gym work.
It helped me regain energy and strength (did not do it for weight loss but I did lose some), and I am older than you.
The stress from your job will be lessened by better health.
You will still have to deal with the details of the job and talk to your employer on the remedy to relieve ~ such as responsibility adjustment, hours, etc.
You also need to prioritize sleep - with out proper sleep then you are going to have a steeper climb to success.

Good Luck.

A) Have you tried the bipap?

Much easier to breathe in than a CPAP

B) T and me did not get along. Made me ultra mellow, slept 8 hours a night for the first time in my life, and felt like a damned hippie.

I am now on a mix of Clematis, DHEA and anastrozole. My t levels are normal, but I still feel like me, and my insulin levels are dropping.

(Low T has a strong link to excess insulin/eventual type II diabetes.)

C) Talk to your boss/partners about having too much on your plate?

D) What do you need to have in your life? I own all manner of junk - OCD and perfectionism leads me to try all kinds of stuff/have things built/I have issues with not having the “exact” right implement for a task, even though I have a serviceable one.

If I can keep myself under control, I find that the increased solvency/reduced clutter brings me greater happiness.

(Never regretted buying well-bound examples of good books, or bullion.)

Absolutely get a nutritionist. I have serious familial risk factors for diabetes and heart disease, but I’m doing vastly better with quarterly blood checks and my vitamin and mineral deficiencies getting fixed, along with the hormones.

Your company most likely has an EAP. Give them a call. It is a benefit offered by most companies. No cost to you.

My $0.02:

1. Your work is planning to use you up, then when you burn out you’ll be tossed aside like an old outdated piece of equipment. You need to begin planning an exit now before that occurs

2. If it’s years and you’re still not warming up to a CPAP, you have the wrong equipment. Like someone mentioned, insist on an BiPAP and try a bunch of different masks. You should be completely used to it by this point and where you cannot sleep without it for a full night

quote:

Originally posted by Modern Day Savage:
^^^^

Ya know rOgue, over the years you've made some great posts and offered some good info and advice, and that post right there is up there with the best of them. Great insight and perspective!

Totally agree. Great advise on both the job and the CPAP.

rOgue, well done Sir.

fwbulldog, thanks for sharing your concerns. I truly hope you can work things out with the job.

And, definitely look into changes to your CPAP setup. I had given up on mine, but was persuaded to try a different mask and pressure setting which made a world of difference.

If you can't go on the Test, try DHEA. Generally the cream is the move because it bypasses the liver. Sucks rubbing stuff on every morning, I hate it but there is a noticeable effect on energy and stuff. Nothing crazy, not test but it's legit.

#2, I'd get outta that job for whatever it takes. Get as small as you have to, what you actually NEED can be paired way down. Easier said than done I know, but your life if yours and if it's being sacrificed for some bullshit job...

I work a position I'm overqualified for, won't be micromanaged, tell my bosses I can take it or leave it. I can walk away at any time, not because I'm rich but because I generally live small, expense wise and no debt.

I'd rather work fast food than deal with corporate bullshit ever again. It's no life for me, it's prison.

I'm not sure, but if your work involves a lot of "latitude" then I can appreciate what you're going through. And I don't think things will get better, only worse.

I had a manager once from whom I learned two key things to guide my job movement decisions:

1. You stay in a job because of the work itself, the people you work with and/or the compensation. You need at least two of these and you should move on if not.

2. I'll not mention the second point as it's not material here.

I might suggest that one is more willing to overwork and go above and beyond if there is a perception that your efforts are meaningful contributions to a leadership vision in which you believe. In that absence, one's above and beyond contributions may be deemed unnecessary in the face of higher priority opportunity costs, like one's family or health.

I can say that managers will load you with work until you start to make mistakes and/or slip schedules. That's how they determine your competency and capacity levels. You need to push back if you've reached limits; if they load more work, ask them what they will take off your plate.

If it's any consolation, you are definitely not alone in your position. Everyday, I hate that my work is just mechanical. And everyday, I remind myself to be thankful that I'm well employed.

Your job is killing you. Slowly but still. Find a way to make CPAP or something else work. The sleep situation starts your day at a negative. You gotta eat and better at work. Everything is building on top of everything else. If you dropped dead tomorrow your employer might send an email and have a brief remembrance for you. Then they’d hire your replace and never think of you again. You’re giving your all for a company that sees you a a replaceable part.

Seriously, thanks guys. Sometimes you just need to hear it from people you respect.

First up, get my sleep situation under control. I saw an ENT a few months ago, did a CT scan and it was stupidly obvious I need to have my deviated septum fixed. But with the kid going to college, and deadlines at work, it's really hard to find a week where I can truly be offline.

I know that everybody thinks they are important, but were so lean right now, and lead times are so long, if I fuck up a build it's a 52 week recovery. taking two weeks off would put me three weeks behind.

I put out some feelers, might be some potential landing spots. The big problem is they are downtown, and that's a 40 minute commute when things are going right. Long hours late a night on 6th street sounds like a bad idea.

I will call my EAP on monday, maybe find somebody to talk to.
I'll call my cpap guy and let them know it aint workin.
I have a 1x1 with my boss this week. Honesty.

quote:

Originally posted by fwbulldog:... it was stupidly obvious I need to have my deviated septum fixed.

Oh, that's a treat! Been there, done that. Not gonna lie, you'll not soon forget that procedure. But it was absolutely AMAZING the first time post-surgery, when I had a cold and blew my nose and then could breathe. I just thought everybody was unable to breathe the entire time they had colds.

Some thoughts about that meeting you have coming up. He/she may try to solve this with money. The only money that is fixing this is the money they pay the new guy to help take on the load/hours. That said, I think they'd best be turning the knob on your income based on my next point.

Some thoughts on the feeling that you can't take two weeks off for medical treatment or the company is set back a year. ...And you don't have disposable income for a new bike??? Based upon what I'm hearing, you should be dripping with cash. You are not. Therefore, you are not indispensable to the company. I'd make the appointment for the surgery and let them know about it at the meeting. Definitely let them know -at that meeting- that you'll be making that appointment ASAP. Otherwise they may think you're creating things to escape work stress when in reality, you've been creating additional work-related stressors delaying necessary treatments.