You don't have to be Jewish to laugh at these:

1 - CHANNUKAH

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Hanukkah cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Hanukkah stamps, please."

"What denomination?" the clerk asks.

The woman says, "Oy vey, my God, has it come to this?

Okay, give me 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform!"

2 - THE CITIZENSHIP TEST

Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam in his English-as-a-Second Language class. He was asked to spell "cultivate," and he spelled it correctly.

He was then asked to use the word in a sentence, and, with a big smile, responded: "Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took a taxi home."

3 - MOISHE

Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the synagogue one day, and as always Rabbi Mendelson was standing at the door, shaking hands as the congregation departed. The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered these words at him: "You need to join the Army of God!"

Moishe replied: "I'm already in the Army of God, Rabbi."

The rabbi questioned: "Then how come I don't see you except for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?"

Moishe whispered back: "I'm in the Secret Service."

4 - IT HAPPENED IN SHUL

A rabbi approaches a guest in shul and says, "I'd like to give you an Aliyah. What is your name?"

The man answers, "Esther ben Moshe."

The rabbi says, "No, I need YOUR name."

"It's Esther ben Moshe," the man insists.

How can that be your name?" asks the rabbi.

The man replies, "I've been having financial problems, so everything now is in my wife's name."

5 - HIGH HOLIDAY PERKS

Two little old ladies were attending a rather long service.

One leaned over and whispered, "My tuchas is going to sleep."

"I know, " replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times.

6 - DOCTOR BLOOM

Doctor Bloom, who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and emerged within half an hour walking completely erect, with her head held high.

A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"

She answered, "Miracle, shmiracle. . . he gave me a longer cane."

7 - THE DIFFERENCES

The Italian says, "I'm thirsty. I must have wine."
The Frenchman says, "I'm thirsty. I must have cognac."
The Russian says, "I'm thirsty. I must have vodka."
The German says, "I'm thirsty. I must have beer."
The Mexican says, "I'm thirsty. I must have tequila."
The Jewish man says, "I'm thirsty. I must have diabetes."

8 - TRADITION

During a service at an old synagogue in the Lower East Side, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting.

The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up.

The rabbi, though learned as he was in the Torah and commentaries, didn't know what to do.

His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98-year-old man who was one of the original members of the shul.

The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.

The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is it the tradition to stand during this prayer?"

The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."

The one whose followers sat, said, "Then it must be the tradition to sit during Shema!"

The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."

Then the rabbi said to the old man, "But the members of the congregation fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand."

The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is the tradition!"

9 - EVENING PRAYERS

When young David was asked by his father to say the evening prayer, he realized he didn't have his head covered, so he asked his little brother, Henry, to rest a hand on his head until prayers were over. Henry grew impatient after a few minutes and removed his hand.

The father said, "This is important ... put your hand back on his head!" to which Henry exclaimed, "What, am I my brother's kippah?"

10 - PHILANTHROPY

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moskowitz Auditorium.

He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.

He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moskowitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?"

"No," replied the guide. "It's named after Sam Moskowitz, the writer."

"Never heard of him," said the visitor. "What did he write?"

"A check," replied the guide.

11 - TEXANS

Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish man is sitting between them.

The first Texan says, "My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger."

The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's."

They both look down at the little old Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving and I own only 300 acres."

Roger looks down at him and says, "300 acres? What do you raise?"

"Nothing," says Irving.

"Well then, what do you call it?" asked John.

"Downtown Dallas ."

12 - ROWING TEAM

Yeshiva University decided to field a rowing team. Unfortunately, they lose race after race. Even though they practice and practice for hours every day, they never manage to come in any better than dead last.

Finally, the team decides to send its captain, Morris Feinberg, to spy on Harvard, the perennial champions.

So Morris schlepps off to Cambridge and hides in the bushes along the Charles River, where he carefully watches the Harvard team at its daily practice.

After a week, Morris returns to Yeshiva.

"Well, I figured out their secret," he announces.

"What? Tell us! Tell us!" his teammates shout.

"We should have only one guy yelling. The other eight should row."

Thanks for the chuckles.

Very good !

Thanks! I always get a chuckle out of those jokes.

Many years ago, while working at IBM in Poughkeepsie, I was working with some senior guys on a couple of trouble shooting issues, which included going to Europe.

The 3 of us were called "The Jewish Mafia". Had some very great times while on that assignment.

The President of the United States and Golda Meir were having a talk. The President exclaimed "That General Moshe Dyan is amazing! I will trade you 3 of my best Generals for him!"

Golda says "Deal!" and quickly shakes his hand. "I will take General Motors, General Electric, and General Dynamic."

Some people say that's a true story.

Bruce

I'll add one:

A Hassidic Jew walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender says, "Cool! Where did you get that?"

The parrot replies, "Brooklyn. There's hundreds of them."

Two Jews were walking past a Catholic church which had a sign up saying, "Convert to Catholicism and get $100 for free." One guy says, "Well, why not? $100 is $100."

He goes in and comes back out a little later.

"Well did you get the $100?", the other guy asked.

His buddy replied, "Damn. Is money all you fucking Jews think about?"

Link to original video: https://youtu.be/oShTJ90fC34

Q: How did copper wire originate?
A: Two Jews fighting over a penny.

Q - Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?

A - Some dropped a quarter.