I don't know about y'all, but I need a chuckle today.

A blonde and a brunette were roommates. A delivery person delivered a bouquet of red roses to the brunette from her boy friend.

Brunette: Oh shit.
Blonde: What's wrong, the flowers are beautiful.
Brunette: I know, I just don't want to spend the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.
Blonde: We do have a vase, don't we?

I normally don't resurrect Shugart jokes from pg.2, but when I do, it's just say, "Thanks for the mental image Jim."

It wasn't much of a joke, but it was the best I could do at the time -- here in the Capital of the Confederacy.

Thanks, dsiets.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

Wife gets naked and asks hubby:“What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?” Hubby looks her up and down and replies: “Your sense of humor!” (Hospital visiting hours are 5:00 to 6:00)

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door. She screamed: "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" I replied:"Oh, so now you want me to stay!”

A chap's wife's was up for making a sex movie last night, and all he did was suggest they should hold auditions for her part. (His viewing will be Saturday from 7:00 till 8:30.)

^ ^ ^ ^

Latisha and Jamila were talking.
Latisha: I heard you got you a new man, is it so?
Jamila: Oh Lordie hunny, it's so so I can't touch it with a powder puff.

Thanks Boss. Those were hilarious.

That one about the vase is an old Sophie Tucker joke, resurrected by Bette Midler.
Another is:
"my boyfiend Ernie and his pal Murray were sitting on the porch of the old folks home. I was feeling kinda frisky, so I walked past them naked. Murray said, hey Ernie, ther'e Sophie, but what in the world is she wearing? Ernie sez to Murray, I don't know, but it sure does need to be ironed."

^ ^

OK. In an attempt to make up for the last one (or maybe the last two):

An old guy was sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when a geriatric patient walked up to him and exposed herself.

"Superpussy!", she yelled.

"I think that I will have the soup", he replied.

Two men walking along and see a dog sitting on a porch, licking its crotch. One of them says "I wish I could do that." The other one replies "Don't you think you should try petting it first."

A grasshopper enters a saloon and jumps up onto the bar, the bartender says "Hey, did you know there is a drink named after you?" The grasshopper says " You have a drink named Steve?"

Two young women are talking about sex with their boyfriends and one asked the other if she smoked after having sex.

The other said:"I don't know, I never looked".

two old guys sitting in the park. Old Guy#1 says to Old Guy#2, " where have you been I haven't seen you in 6 months." Old Guy #2 says I was in jail for rape"
Old Guy #1 says "that's absurd, you couldn't get it up with a string"
Old Guy #2 says "I know, but I felt so flattered, I pled guilty". My attorney pled it down to Assault With a Dead Weapon."

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'
'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'
HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'
'A WITCH? WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW. TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER.'

Two prostitutes are standing on a street corner, when a police car drives by. One prostitute turns to the other and says, "Have you ever been pick up by the Fuzz before?" The second one replies, "No, but I've been thrown around by the tits."

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother,

'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!'

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, 'It reminded me of a peanut.'

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, 'Was it really small?'

Sally replied, 'No... salty.'

Thank you

ALTAR BOY CONFESSION !

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Dominic Savino?'

Yes, Father, it is.

'And who was the girl you were with?'

‘I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

"Well, Dominic, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

‘I cannot say.’

‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

‘I'll never tell. '

“Was it Nina Capelli?'

“I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

“Was it Cathy Piriano?'

“My lips are sealed.'

“Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go say a rosary and behave yourself.'

Dominic walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'