I broke this rule and just got lucky and it all worked out. But if I were to do it over again, I would not date and certainly would not marry a woman with more problems than I have. That means she needs to be financially secure and not have family that she needs help supporting. I don't like to admit it, but I think it may be true that Mrs. Lee and I have lasted so long because we made about equal money for so long and shared in the bills. I make a lot more now and take on more of the bills. But neither of us is a gravy train to the other. And either one of us disappearing would greatly impact the other's lifestyle and finances.

Wisdom right there. Money disparities become more pronounced as the cost of living skyrockets.

Thanks, of course I’m mostly on my own, ok.

I just threw it out as discussion.

I promise an after action report, could be a while though.

I know you guys would like her.

I've read the OP a couple times trying to reconcile.
You say you've been there three times in 9 months, yet others are talking about things like if you trust and know what's up then go for it.

Unless the three visits in 9 months were three months each, how the heck would you know anything more than this is an available mail-order bride. Is that what we're talking about here, and what others supporting have experienced and done?

Normal marriage is already enough of a gamble after many hours, days, months and years getting to know each other. Anything short of that feels like life-savings-on-red activity.

I may be relegated to the after action report.

If it turns south, I tried.

Someone was kicking this issue around in the last couple of months over in GT. From my memory, there were more nays than yays. I’m a former USMC, and I’ve heard the negatives like others here. Your call, Sir.

I'm hitting the 15 year mark with my wife in three days. She's from the Philippines, got her citizenship 13 years ago. I had no interest in getting married until I met her. If you are searching internationally for a wife, the Philippines is a good choice. Do your due diligence though, be wary of scammers. Some may expect you to help financially support their immediate family.

Thanks Dan, yes I’m beyond the scammers, well beyond.

I know, no one here can add much about the situation. I’ll keep checking things out.

I think if you’re asking us, you’ve already got some alarms going off.

As someone said, her not being already/ever being married, is kind of a signal in itself.

I remember being on vacation in Grand Cayman and having someone wait on us at a restaurant on the beach. It was a young woman and she wanted to tell me her sob story from the Philippines and how she had to send money home and how hard it was with all her little kids and extended family, and she sat there, looking frail and sad and lovely, like she wanted me to adopt her. Yikes. .
And I’m a chick.

Somehow, I don't see this ending well.
Just a hunch.

Her not being married is a flag? I asked her a bunch about that, her answer was she wanted to be sure before doing so.

Even if you think she could be ‘hiding the husband’, can’t be doing that to get a visa to come here.

I’ll keep exploring.

OBTW, I take no offense to any comments. She is north of 30 years old.

If you do this, may we still be teasing you for your decision at your Golden Anniversary.

quote:

Originally posted by sourdough44:
Her not being married is a flag? I asked her a bunch about that, her answer was she wanted to be sure before doing so.

Even if you think she could be ‘hiding the husband’, can’t be doing that to get a visa to come here.

I’ll keep exploring.

I’m not trying to offend, and I don’t know as much about the culture as you, but leftysig (as well as others) had some enlightening comments..
The culture seems to encourage family. I have no clue what age we are talking, but I sense it might be a bit older, and it seems as though very trad values are encouraged, so not being married would mean for some reason she swam against the stream. And you’re saying she’s off the charts amazing, so that might indicate a lot of potential suitors. Again, in a culture that promotes family and marriage, it seems strange that no one offered, or that she declined all comers. That’s all.

I wish you the best, and I hope it all works out well.

All I have is second hand experience with friends who have visited and one with established residence in the Philippines.

All of them have had great experiences with the women and agree that their culture places high value on family and their individual outlook on life are usually very positive.

No one knows exactly your likes, situation in life, and circumstances but life is always moving. I say trust your gut.

Cheers~

I would get the prenup signed and get her a full physical before I did anything else. Can she come for a trial run before you marry?

quote:

Originally posted by ruger357:
I would get the prenup signed and get her a full physical before I did anything else. Can she come for a trial run before you marry?

I may lean a prenup, iron clad, her own lawyer, etc. The reason is to lock in past assets, going forward, few worries.

With the 129F fiancé visa, one is supposed to get married within 90 days, so that’s the real trial period, other than the regular meets over there.

Part of that process is a full physical in Manila.

It was 25 years ago or so I had 2 coworkers go that route and they are still happy and enjoying the grandkids.
YMMV

quote:

Originally posted by sourdough44:
Thanks Dan, yes I’m beyond the scammers, well beyond.

I know, no one here can add much about the situation. I’ll keep checking things out.

It's difficult to describe my positive experience outside a two way live conversation. But you know your experience and facts. At some point you may just have to trust and make the leap. In my case we talked daily for roughly 9 months. We were both very honest about who we are, our life situations, what we wanted and expectations for our future. We got engaged the day we met in person and married 9 days later. We're still happily married 15 years later.

OK, so I read the book Rick Lee recommended. OP, now I understand what you meant about “hiding the husband” and I had no idea..this seems fraught with pitfalls. Lots of cultural differences to overcome. The phrase from the book that stuck with me was how farang were treated as ATMs, and that the pronouns used by the locals with the protagonist were as an object (it) not a person (he). Like a cow, or a dog.

But that was Thailand, not the Philippines. I worked with a lovely grad student in our research lab for my grad studies- she was a medical professional from Thailand. Never saw a blink of that from her. She was great, brought me round to local Thai places and fed me good food, supported my thesis over 2 years and was just generally nice. Loved her and her husband (also Thai).


Again, I wish you the best and hope it all works out.

Protect yourself against every possible legal snafu. If she balks at it, then you know she was looking to somehow profit.

1) After you're married, would her relatives be legally allowed to emigrate? What would the implications be financially as well as things like moving into your home or somehow getting onto your health insurance? What if she turns out to actually have children?

2) Your pension or retirement account 100% walled off in case of divorce?

3) Consider how your assets could be directed away from your wishes after your death. e.g. she inherits everything and then directs it to her family rather than where you would want it. Consider a trust plus prenup, created by a very competent local atty.

4) Your escape route from the marriage if she turns into a psychopath. Basically, if you divorce then she gets nothing much. While she seems amazing right now, it has happened that women do a Jekyll/Hyde routine soon after the wedding. You need to not be handcuffed by financial or legal barriers.

I offer these ideas from the general thought process that everybody needs to be protected in marriage, and from experiencing punishing costs by unscrupulous actors.