For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:


Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili


Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild

Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy crap, what is this stuff made of? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili


Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge # 3 -Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili


Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.


Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic


Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. hog is starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover


Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed the paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. I'll get those rednecks.


Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety


Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that hog Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.


Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili


Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like crap to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. The heck with it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili


Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to hot chili

LOL, oldie but goodie.

Holy shit my sides hurt from laughing. Gesh. hahahaha

Psst, the Houston Rodeo is known for its big BBQ cook off

That's funny right there

This was all fun and games until we moved here and got some "hot links" from local butcher to grill.

CHEESEANDCRACKERS!

My sides hurt from laughing!!

I took a batch of Texas Red to a chili contest in the early '80's at San Diego Stadium, last known as "the Q."

In competition with a bunch of tomato quiches, I received the trophy for the hottest spiciest chili. One of the judges was Louis Kelcher. He told me, "You almost killed me with that stuff." He retired not long after that!

Back in the early 80s a couple friends and I would get together at their place about once-a-month or so. I'd bring the Bacardi 151, Coke and limes. They'd supply the chili. The guy doing the cooking had these tiny, skinny peppers that I swear would glow in the dark and strip paint off the walls.

One cold late January or early February, crunchy snow on the ground outside & near, or below, 0°F, we sat there drinking Cuba Libres, eating that chili, shirtless, with the doorwall wide open... and we were still sweating.

Those were the days

The first time I read that a few years back (I think it may have been on this forum), I cried as I was laughing so hard. Someone at another desk heard me and asked what was funny, so I sent it to him. Same thing. He just about fell out of his chair.

That was good.

I'm sitting in my office getting strange looks as I try to stifle bursts of laughter.

quote:

Originally posted by TXJIM:
Psst, the Houston Rodeo is known for its big BBQ cook off

Wasn't the big Chili Cook Off in Terlingua (sp) Tx. ?

quote:

Originally posted by walkinghorse:

quote:

Originally posted by TXJIM:
Psst, the Houston Rodeo is known for its big BBQ cook off

Wasn't the big Chili Cook Off in Terlingua (sp) Tx. ?

I believe that is the World Championship.

That is some funny shif right there.
I dabble with ghost chilies last year,tried selling them at local farmers market,they did not sell so I canned them in a vegetable medley .
I have a spoon full on my eggs each morning
Got to work up slowly.

quote:

Originally posted by 45 Cal:
That is some funny shif right there.
I dabble with ghost chilies last year,tried selling them at local farmers market,they did not sell so I canned them in a vegetable medley .
I have a spoon full on my eggs each morning
Got to work up slowly.

A spoonful?!!?? I hope that's a coke spoon!!!

Definitely not real. Texans do NOT put beans in their chili! (I do prefer beans in mine, though--my mom was not a Texan.)

flashguy