Is it unreasonable for the parents of the groom to expect to be able to host a rehearsal dinner at a location of their choosing and within the their financial means? Especially if it's an informal backyard wedding and there's not going to be a rehearsal.

IANAL, but not unreasonable in my opinion.

It is not unreasonable. Some of these traditions and "rules" have long outlived their usefulness.

I was married 8 years ago. Wife was 29 and I was 36. We paid for both the wedding and the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding. Neither were extravagant. I think it would be nice if they offered, but it's certainly not required. Neither of our parents paid for the events. IIRC, my wife's dad bought the alcohol for the wedding, but that's about it.

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Is it unreasonable for the parents of the groom to expect to be able to host a rehearsal dinner at a location of their choosing and within the their financial means? Especially if it's an informal backyard wedding and theres not going to be a rehearsal.

Of course. However in these situations it is important to carefully weigh the potential consequences. Sometimes what is REASONABLE differs greatly from one family to another. At times the emotional consequences for you are much more painful.

Need more context as backyard wedding does not necessarily mean low budget. For example, in May I attended a backyard wedding and the bride's father had cleared 3 acres of hillside pine trees, built a beautiful gazebo for the ceremony, planted 6 or 7 dozen apple trees because his daughter had always wanted to be married in an apple orchard, sodded everything, bought (not rent) an enormous tent for the reception, quality dinner, open bar, dj, and buses to/from hotel. It was one of the nicest and classiest weddings I have been to.

If it's truly a low budget wedding paid for by the bride's family, then it's distasteful to expect the groom's family to pay for an expensive rehearsal dinner.

However, not giving the bride a choice (ie picking the restaurant) is unlikely to be received well. Many wise older friends have counseled that it's best to give a budget (and hold relatively firm) then let the bride make her plans.

The 'official' ruling

https://www.theknot.com/conten...ing-rehearsal-basics

Who Hosts

Traditionally, the groom's family organizes and pays for this fete, but you two can definitely take matters into your own hands—or both sets of parents may choose to share responsibility. While you as the honored couple may have input on the overall direction, if your future in-laws host, you should hand over the title of creative directors to them as much as you can. On the other hand, if you're hosting, you get to make the decisions. So you'll want to give yourselves enough time to scout venues in order to book one four to six months in advance.

If you're trying to save money consider remaining single

We paid for our own rehearsal dinner and wedding.
My inlaws paid for the dress, flowers, and photographer.
My father paid for the alcohol (we wanted NONE) but sadly for some folks in my family there can't be an event without alcohol
My stepmother paid for our honeymoon (a surprise found out the night before the wedding)as we were going to forgo one since we wanted to put as much cash into the house we were building.
My mother paid for some odds and ends.

I am not hip to the "rules" but would say whoever is paying chooses what is done.

This will be a low budget wedding. The father of the bride paid $30,000 for the bride's sister's wedding and told the bride that she can spend up to $30,000 on hers...if she comes in under, he'll will write her a check for the balance. She opted for a low budget wedding ($5000 or so) and pocket $25,000. So low budget that the groom is limited to 10 guest, including his parents.

Why people drop tens of thousands of dollars on some of this stuff just baffles me.

We went to a JP and were in and out in about 10 minutes. Done.

Our rehearsal dinner was at my mom's house, with a bunch of invited guests.

It was catered by Kenny Rogers Roasters. (Not kidding.)

We did the rehearsal "walk" up the aisle by walking up/down the driveway.

Everyone had a great time. Probably had 50 people there.

Ok. Small wedding and low budget is the way they want it.

I was raised that if you're going to host a rehearsal dinner then you get to choose how it's done. Maybe you want to stay in the same cost conscious vein. Maybe you want to blow it out big time and spend more on the party than the wedding. As long as the bride and groom are happy then it's just another fun piece of a great weekend. It's one of your gifts to them.

We hosted a large rehearsal dinner for my son's wedding - it included a lot more than the wedding party. We held it at the bride's parents house, with agreement by all, as they have a big piece of land and pool, so there was minimal cost for a facility. My wife outdid herself with decorating, and we had great Tex-Mex, beer, wine, and margaritas. It was a good party, but not stupid expensive.

Yes, the wedding and rehearsal dinner should all be within everyone's budget.

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Originally posted by P229 357SIG Man:
Is it unreasonable for the parents of the groom to expect to be able to host a rehearsal dinner at a location of their choosing and within the their financial means? Especially if it's an informal backyard wedding and there's not going to be a rehearsal.

Hate to say it, but the groom's parents 'host' the rehearsal dinner, meaning they pay for it. Bride still gets choice if she wants. It's her day.

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Originally posted by P229 357SIG Man:
This will be a low budget wedding. The father of the bride paid $30,000 for the bride's sister's wedding and told the bride that she can spend up to $30,000 on hers...if she comes in under, he'll will write her a check for the balance. She opted for a low budget wedding ($5000 or so) and pocket $25,000. So low budget that the groom is limited to 10 guest, including his parents.

Hold up- $5000.00 only covers 20 ppl? Am I doing my math right? Something is costing money here, if you only have 10 guests per spouse..that seems mid budget to me, or maybe costs have escalated tremendously since I've married. I think we spent twice as much on 7x as many people..and it was a nice venue, a sit down served dinner with dancing.
Is it really that expensive for a "low budget wedding"?

Several years ago, I attended a very nice wedding in La Jolla. The bride attended the local catholic high school there and wanted to be married in it's chapel. The reception was held at her parents house also in La Jolla. If you're not familiar, La Jolla is the very well-to-do community of San Diego County, lots of old money. The reception was catered and well appointed, cocktails were served in the front lawn, coaches and chairs were scattered about on various rugs. Dinner for about 50 was squeezed into the backyard at several long-tables, a variety of sliders, pulled pork and veggies were available at the banquet tables. Dancing and desserts were out front under antique lights. Disposable slippers were available for anyone tired of their dress shoes. About the only part of that weekend that was 'over-the-top' was the grandmother, paid for the rehearsal dinner that was held poolside at the La Jolla Beach & Tennis Club the night before; as I understand one of the more exclusive private clubs of it's type in the US. The guy friends of the groom, as a gaffe, we all wore bright colors and madras print pants to the dinner, Caddyshack-style. All-in-all, a casual affair, well executed but, nothing ostentatious, extravagant or, statement making. As a friend once told me, you don't become rich by spending it all.

I would think it depends on finances. No one wants to be put on the spot to say they can't afford a part of their son or daughter's wedding. I paid for my entire rehearsal and wedding. I could afford it so I did it. I knew no one else had funds. If you're happy with the outcome, the monetary cost is usually justified.

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Originally posted by irreverent:

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Originally posted by P229 357SIG Man:
This will be a low budget wedding. The father of the bride paid $30,000 for the bride's sister's wedding and told the bride that she can spend up to $30,000 on hers...if she comes in under, he'll will write her a check for the balance. She opted for a low budget wedding ($5000 or so) and pocket $25,000. So low budget that the groom is limited to 10 guest, including his parents.

Hold up- $5000.00 only covers 20 ppl? Am I doing my math right? Something is costing money here, if you only have 10 guests per spouse..

He didn't say the bride was limited to 10 guests, he said the groom's side was limited to 10 guests. 10 and 10 would be fair, but if fair & balanced was the normal for a wedding then the ridiculous expression "it's her day" wouldn't exist.

Question unclear. I can't tell if you are upset that they won't let you throw a party, or that you are upset that they expect a nicer party than you are willing to pay for.

The wedding, and all traditions surrounding it, belong to the couple. The couple chooses what and how their wedding should look.

If the couple needs money from the parents, then it is not unreasonable for the parents to put restrictions or conditions on the money they are giving or loaning.

Thus:

1) the decision to have a rehearsal dinner belongs to the bride and groom. If they don't want one, and you throw one anyway, it may be considered a dick move. For instance, if your rehearsal dinner overshadows or takes away from their wedding, that's not cool.

2) if the bride and groom need your money to have a rehearsal dinner, then you may make certain requests and restrictions to the extent that it may damage your relationship with your son and his bride.