I picked up a friend from the airport in Ft Myers and as we were driving to my house she said, "Oh look, there's another car from Florida."

A different friend and I drove to Key West for a few days. On the way back, he commented he was suprised he hadn't seen any alligators, to which I immediately responded, "There's one." and pointed proceeded to point out at least 15 of them in the next 30 minutes.

A friend's little sister was complaining about her older brother to her father - "Russell hit me back!" I still chuckle about that all these decades later.

Get plenty at work. Drivers come in, wanting to know if they can stay overnight in our yard. No. "But I'm almost out of hours!" Not my problem. "But I have an appointment!" When? "Tomorrow afternoon." No, you can't camp in our yard, and especially not for the next 12 hours. "Where am I supposed to go!?" Truck stop down the street. "But I have to pay them!" Yup, that's how it works, you can try a side street, but there's no guarantee the cops wont kick you out too. "Are you sure I can't stay here?" Yes, very sure.

Then there's the ones that want us to rework their load. At 0400 on a Sunday morning. Buddy, do you see anybody here, besides me? Who's going to work it? "Can't you call someone?" And what? Have them come in and rework your single pallet of kitty litter? Fuck off outta here. "Can I drop it?" No, we don't have the space for a 53' with a single fucked up pallet on it. "But the broker sent me here!" Well have 'em send you somewheres else, because we are closed and not accepting reworks until 0700 Monday. "Can't I just stay here?" Da fuq?

Or when they have the wrong address. "Are you sure this isn't the place?" Yes, quite sure, we don't do what you're here for. "Where is it then?" I don't know, not here though.

Even better is when it's something we used to do, but haven't in a looooong time. "I have your address!" No, you have our old address, when we moved that contract went to another company, in Tacoma. How you managed to come here with the old address is amazing in of itself. "So where is the new place?" I don't know, over on the other side of that hill somewhere. "I'm from Tennessee, I don't know where any of this is!" Neither do I. "But my broker sent me here (again?)!" Alright, well you need to call your broker and tell them to update their address because we haven't had this customer in over a year.

There's no shortage of it on our end either though. Training new guards is an adventure. Stupid questions are fine, this is a pretty confusing site sometimes, and I'd rather answer a stupid question than walk in on a dumpster fire because you didn't know what you were doing. But asking the same questions, over and over again... 'Do we put this one in the computer?" No, it's a load leaving, we only enter things that are coming in and staying. "Oh, okay... do we put this one in the computer?" Again, no, it's going out, and it's the same customer, we don't put these ones in the computer. "Okay... what about this one?" No. Then come in later and find they haven't entered any of the inbounds either, "Because you said we don't put those ones in the computer!" Only if they're leaving, if they stay we need them in the yardcheck, if they leave why would we need to inventory them!? "This is confusing." You're fired, get out.

"Wear a mask."

Runner up:
I was in a Wawa in New Jersey with a girl I know getting some coffees. She looks at her cup after putting on the plastic disposable lid and says out loud, "Hmmm, expires on 12/16/20?"

"I slowly turned my head towards her and stared at her for a long second to see if she were serious. She was. I finally said, "damn, you're dumb" in a light-hearted manner. A second later she realized her error and burst out laughing at herself. She's actually a very intelligent girl, but in that instant she spoke without a second thought. Otherwise she would've known it was the cup sizes in ounces that the lid fits over...

During an email discussion of the death of Border Agent Brian Terry, a former friend responded with this little gem.


“What happened after Terry was killed can't have much effect on his parents, either, so you can stop throwing that in there”

"I'm uncomfortable with you parking your police car in the driveway. It makes my children feel nervous that there's crime in the neighborhood"
I was speechless.

There was a guy at an old job that thought that eating food cold meant that it was raw and you would get sick.

working on refinancing a home and the lender underwriter asks for a letter from the Homeowner's Association saying how much the dues are per month.

I reply: "there is no association"

Bank reply: provide a letter on association letterhead that they no longer exist"
[Their Bold not mine]

Have a cousin that asked me what a brain tumor felt like. he was being serious and not joking me. turns out he was suffering from a headache.

quote:

Originally posted by 1flynDO:
My personal favorite is at every single funeral someone comments “He/she looks really good.” I used to let it slide now I don’t. I go ask you do know he is deceased? They say yes. Then I ask how good can someone look if they have passed.

He barely looks dead at all!

On arriving at the airport terminal and checking in baggage - the clerks often ask 'Is there anything in this baggage that you don't know about?'

A teen-aged acquaintance was talking about his desire to run away from civilization and live out west (on the prairie, evidently). When some adults tried to reason with him about how difficult that would be and asked, “What would you even find to eat out there?” he looked at us as if we were total idiots, shook his head, and replied with a very exasperated, “Buffalo chips.”

Probably not so much dumb as irritating. In the gun shop, "Is that your best price?" Hey, dumb ass, do you dicker at Kroger? How much "wiggle room" do you think I have on a box of ammo? Do you think we get shit for free and just paste random prices on it?

quote:

Originally posted by sigfreund:
A teen-aged acquaintance was talking about his desire to run away from civilization and live out west (on the prairie, evidently). When some adults tried to reason with him about how difficult that would be and asked, “What would you even find to eat out there?” he looked at us as if we were total idiots, shook his head, and replied with a very exasperated, “Buffalo chips.”

"PEZ. Cherry flavor PEZ. No question about it."

quote:

Originally posted by Balzé Halzé:

quote:

Originally posted by sigfreund:
A teen-aged acquaintance was talking about his desire to run away from civilization and live out west (on the prairie, evidently). When some adults tried to reason with him about how difficult that would be and asked, “What would you even find to eat out there?” he looked at us as if we were total idiots, shook his head, and replied with a very exasperated, “Buffalo chips.”

"PEZ. Cherry flavor PEZ. No question about it."

I’ll stand by you

My neighbors dog got quilled last summer. His wife was furious and asked if I could help her find the porcupine den and kill it. I pointed up in the tree-line and laughed as she looked at me with a confused stare.

That dog doesn't bite. Referring to a chained up Rottweiler.

I was checking out at Target years ago. This was when you had to sign your credit card receipt. I scribbled my name as I usually do and the girl just looked at it. She then said she couldn’t read it and asked if I could sign my name again. So, I signed it the same exact way and handed it back. She said ‘Thank You’.

quote:

Originally posted by JordanR:
Have a cousin that asked me what a brain tumor felt like. he was being serious and not joking me. turns out he was suffering from a headache.

The first symptom of my bride’s brain tumor was a bad headache lasting several days. She thought it was a migraine.

"Early bird gets the worm" ... slow your roll, there's plenty of worms for everybody, I'm not getting up yet.