How do you know when a lawyer is properly baptized?

The bubbles stop coming up.

(Forgive me Lord).

quote:

Originally posted by nhtagmember:
The NIH is thinking of switching test animals from lab rats to lawyers. They're discovering that a great many scientists are becoming attached to the rats.

Another version:
NIH is replacing lab rats with attorneys. There are more of them, they're easier to train and there's some things a rat won't do.

It’s 90% of the lawyers that give the rest a bad name...

Why are lawyers buried 20 feet deep, instead of the normal 6 feet deep for everybody else?

Because, deep down, they're not bad at all.

Last winter here in Pa. It was soooo cold, I actually saw lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

Why do lawyers wear ties?

To keep the foreskin off their face so they can breathe.

quote:

Originally posted by MagnumU:
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put, 'Here lies an honest lawyer.'"

"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.

"Certainly it will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, 'That's Strange!'"

Here's another version:
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. "That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/lawyer...rstombstonejoke.html

A lawyer met with a new client. He agreed to take his case, and asked the man for a $1000 retainer. The man gave him cash. After the client left the office, the lawyer was counting the cash, and realized that he had been given $1100.

So, now the lawyer has an ethical dilemma:

Does he have to tell his partner?

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer lying in the road, and a snake lying in the road?

A: There are skid marks in front of the snake.

Defense attorney asks the cop on the witness stand: "Officer regarding probable cause, how did you know that my client had a gun in that dark bar where you arrested him?

Officer; "I could see the the butt of the pistol in his waistband. He had failed to cover it with his shirt tail."

Defense Atty: "How far away were you when you saw my client? weren't you across the room?"

Officer: "About 30 feet."

Defense Atty: "Officer, I see that you wear glasses so I assume your vision is not perfect. Are you telling me that you could see the small butt of a pistol protruding from my client' waistband, from 30 feet across a dark barroom, while admittedly having imperfect vision?"

Officer: "Yes."

Defense Atty: "Officer, don't you know just how unlikely that sounds? Are you really trying to tell the jury you can see 30 feet away in the dark? Just how far away can you see in the dark officer?"

Officer: " Well, I can see the moon at night. How far away is that?"

A lawyer walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Would you like a drink?" The lawyer says, "Sure, I'll have a scotch and soda". The bartender serves the drink and tells the lawyer it will be $5. The lawyer explains, "The drink's on the house. You offered me a drink, I accepted, therefore the drink is on the house". Angry, the bartender tells the lawyer to drink up and never return. The next day the lawyer returns and sits at the bar. The bartender says, "I thought told you to beat it yesterday". The lawyer replies, "Sir, I have no idea what you're talking about". The bartender continues, "Yesterday . . . that stunt with the drink . . . I told you to get out and don't come back". The lawyer responds, "You must have me confused with another customer". The bartender says, "Well, then you must have a double". The lawyer replies, "Make it a scotch and soda".

Lawyers don't fear sharks bites when swimming in the ocean.

It's Professional courtesy.

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will be in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents in law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners." The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed he formulated a plan to try and take at least some of his wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most, his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm giving each of you $30,000 in cash. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me." All three agreed and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin." The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I’d had this new machine but it’s $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy one so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that." The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. I put my personal check for the full $30,000 in that envelope.”