A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The lawyer asked him, "Did you actually see the accident?" The witness: "Yes, sir."
The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?" The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."
The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?" The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question."
[B] Against ALL enemies, foreign and DOMESTIC
August 24, 2019, 08:05 PM
911Boss
Lawyer: Dr., can you tell me how many autopsies you’ve performed on dead bodies?
Expert Witness: All of them.
What part of "...Shall not be infringed" don't you understand???
August 24, 2019, 08:12 PM
OKCGene
There are no lawyer jokes.
They are all true stories.
.
August 24, 2019, 08:39 PM
Yellow Jacket
Defense lawyer: Dr. are you positive the alleged murder victim was dead when you signed the death certificate?
Dr. Absolutely.
Defense lawyer: How can you be so positive?
Dr. His brain was in a jar on my desk, and while I have heard that some lawyers can seem to function without a brain, I've never seen anyone who could.
God's mercy: NOT getting what we deserve! God's grace: Getting what we DON'T deserve!
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
Bob P239 40 S&W Endowment NRA Viet Nam '69-'70
August 24, 2019, 10:31 PM
MagnumU
As a recovering attorney, I always tried to have a "topper" lawyer joke.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A lawyer earns frequent flyer miles.
August 25, 2019, 07:30 AM
tatortodd
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100? A: Your Honor. Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50 A: Senator.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech? A: After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
Q: Know how copper wire was invented? A: Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle.
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, “I’m here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.
“That’s quite a coincidence," said the engineer. “I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. “How do you start a flood?" he asked.This message has been edited. Last edited by: tatortodd, August 25, 2019 08:53 AM
Ego is the anesthesia that deadens the pain of stupidity
DISCLAIMER: These are the author's own personal views and do not represent the views of the author's employer.
August 25, 2019, 08:30 AM
MagnumU
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.
"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put, 'Here lies an honest lawyer.'"
"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
"Certainly it will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, 'That's Strange!'"
August 25, 2019, 08:34 AM
hjs157
Two attorneys were on the golf course when they spot a very attractive young blonde on the next fairway. The first attorney says, "Boy I'd like to screw her". The second replies, "Out of what"?
August 25, 2019, 08:46 AM
BB61
Question: Do you know why there are so many lawyer jokes?
Answer: Because doctors bury their mistakes.
I told that joke in the hospital years ago after I got tired of all the lawyer jokes. I never heard another joke while I was there.
__________________________
August 25, 2019, 09:36 AM
Pizza Bob
A lawyer dies and is at the pearly gates. St. Peter says, "Let me show you your new residence." As he escorts the lawyer down a street paved with gold, he identifies the modest houses on both sides as belonging to various Popes. They come to a magnificent mansion and St. Peter tells the lawyer that this will be his new home. The lawyer exclaims, "I don't understand, all those Popes live in those small houses, but I get this mansion?" To which St. Peter replies, "This is heaven, we have lots of Popes, but you're the only lawyer."
Adios,
Pizza Bob
NRA Benefactor Member
August 25, 2019, 12:03 PM
YooperSigs
Do you know how to save a lawyer from drowning? No! Good!
End of Earth: 2 Miles Upper Peninsula: 4 Miles
August 25, 2019, 12:28 PM
ZSMICHAEL
What is the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the Judge.
August 25, 2019, 12:43 PM
TigerDore
What's black and tan and looks good on a lawyer?
A Rottweiler.
August 25, 2019, 01:13 PM
Rightwire
What do you call a skydiving lawyer?
Skeet
Pronoun: His Royal Highness and benevolent Majesty of all he surveys
343 - Never Forget
Its better to be Pavlov's dog than Schrodinger's cat
There are three types of mistakes; Those you learn from, those you suffer from, and those you don't survive.
August 25, 2019, 01:59 PM
tatortodd
quote:
Originally posted by Rightwire: What do you call a skydiving lawyer?
Skeet
As a corollary: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
A round of skeet
Ego is the anesthesia that deadens the pain of stupidity
DISCLAIMER: These are the author's own personal views and do not represent the views of the author's employer.
August 25, 2019, 07:00 PM
preten2b
Why are all the toxic waste dumps in NJ, and all the lawyers in Washington DC?
Jersey had first pick!
------------------ The plural of anecdote is not data. -Frank Kotsonis
August 25, 2019, 07:03 PM
nhtagmember
The NIH is thinking of switching test animals from lab rats to lawyers. They're discovering that a great many scientists are becoming attached to the rats.
[B] Against ALL enemies, foreign and DOMESTIC
August 25, 2019, 07:11 PM
Captain Morgan
Blonde woman asks a doctor, "Can you get pregnant having anal sex?"
Doctor replies, "Sure, where do you think lawyers come from!"
Let all Men know thee, but no man know thee thoroughly: Men freely ford that see the shallows. Benjamin Franklin
August 25, 2019, 07:22 PM
sjtill
quote:
Answer: Because doctors bury their mistakes.
True story: during residency my brother, a pastor, accompanied me on morning rounds. I told the attending: “He takes care of my mistakes.” Attending: “Must be nice to have a lawyer in the family.”
_________________________ “Remember, remember the fifth of November!"
August 25, 2019, 07:36 PM
.38supersig
We saw a bad wreck. It was a huge tragedy.
What happened?
There was a bus load of lawyers that ran off of a cliff and plunged into the ocean.
