My folks never caught a break. My dad worked for his dad for years at the mall in the town where I grew up. My grandfather and grandmother were one-third of the ownership. The other two-thirds were silent and my grandparents earned their third by building and running the business into what became a $10 million dollar operation.

My dad was to be promoted from superintendent to manager after they retired. When my grandparents passed in the mid 90's, the other two partners sold the business to a friend for $100,000 and later bought it back from him for the same amount. After a lengthy court battle my father and his three siblings came away with a $60,000 settlement. BTW, one of the reasons the other partners didn't want my dad to run the place is because he often spoke out against their shady business practices. I can't decide whether that's ironic or not.

They had bad financial and employment breaks pretty much the rest of their lives. It was staggering to me how many bad things kept happening to them. My dad was a truck driver and ended up going to Iraq and driving as a contractor there for five years to dig themselves out of the hole.

I lost my mother in May unexpectedly. We spent months sorting things out and helping my father sell their home and Mom's vehicle so he could be financially stable. We helped him move into an apartment and got him settled in. He passed away in his apartment Tuesday just the way my mom did - alone.

While he was still working at the mall, the local cops called him, "Batman," because he was always coming to someone's aid. I watched him literally smack more than a few men down in the 80's who truly had it coming. Things were a little different then.

In the end, no one was there to rescue them including me. I'd spent so many years worrying about them and helping them when I could. Now, I really feel bad because I mostly just find myself relieved that they are not suffering anymore and there's nothing anyone can ever do to hurt them again. I feel guilty in that relief, though. I know people have been through this and I know it's normal. I know it will fade with time, but for now, I'm really struggling with these feelings. Yet, I am a relieved just typing this. Thank you, my SF friends.

That's rough. When loved ones pass it's natural to question all of our actions, relationship, shoulda/coulda, etc. It's natural but it still sucks.

Maybe think about how your parents would want you to feel. They would want you to be happy and not worry about things over which you have no control. You need to forgive yourself, forgive them, and go on.

Condolences.

Warren, I am very sorry to hear about your loss, and yes, your feelings are normal. Sounds like your dad was a great guy. My dad passed exactly 2 weeks before his only grand-child was born. I was fortunate to see my dad and talk about the important things that needed to be said before he passed. However, I still had some regrets and feelings of guilt, for things done and un-done. There came a time when I could be alone and visit with him in my thoughts. It was then I realized, he didn't want me to feel guilty. I'll put you and your parents in my prayers.

My condolences. And you are not alone. I was estranged from my entire family and all are now dead. Even if I was able to, I dont think I would change how i interacted with them. I dont regret the circumstances, but I wish it could have been different. I do have one regret: I did not talk enough with family while was growing up and as a young adult. There are so many questions I should have asked and didnt. They will never be answered. Your father sounds like a man of integrity, so I hope you can find some comfort in remembering him that way.

You are not alone.
My GF went through this last year with her mother. They found her deceased sitting on the living room floor. She was alone and really didn't have any money. It was one of those situations we all hear about where a person has to choose between eating or buying meds.

I know the GF sent her money every month to help her get by. She had a lot of health problems and her last few years were rough.

My condolences. Losing your parents is a painful, stressful time, all sorts of emotions that are hard to control.

My parents have passed years ago. My father also did not have the easiest life; my mother once said things were just out of his grasp. For the next 10 years after he passed, my wife and I did whatever we could for Mom, take her to nice places that were out of her reach in the past, trying to make life easier for her.

They both taught me a tremendous amount, and I'm sure to their relief, my life right now is a bit more comfortable than their lives, which most parents dream for their children. I still think of them all of the time.

Very sorry to hear about your mom and dad.

When my grandmother passed I remember my mom saying she was relieved that she was gone. I was 17 at the time and didn’t understand, I was irritated at my mom for awhile for saying it. As time went by I came to understand the sentiment behind the statement, my grandmother was only 73, when she passed, she had led a hard life, she suffered from pernicious anemia her entire life and she had fallen and broken her pelvis, at her age and with her physical condition it would never improve, it was a constant, grinding deep agony. So, it was for the best that she was released from her suffering and I can wrap my head around what mom said all those years ago. Grieve for the loss of your parents, but do NOT feel any guilt or remorse that you are relieved that their travails are at an end, you have nothing to feel guilt over.

It sounds like you were a good son to your parents. There is no shame in feeling better they won't have to struggle through life anymore. Celebrate the life and love they had, don't mourn what could or should have been.

You are 100% correct, your mother and father are no longer in pain.

If there is a heaven, I bet they're both looking down on you, with pride.

Enidpd, I lost my Mom 2 weeks ago and feel the same way you do. I guess it's natural. Now as I reflect I wonder if I could have been a better son. I wonder if I could have, should have done more. I don't think so but I do have my doubts. She lived about 60 miles away so between work and the other commitments in my life I just wasn't able to visit her as much as I probably should have. Maybe one day we will both stop punishing ourselves and realize we did all we could. I hope so.

I lost my Mom about 9 years ago. I was raised by a single Mom and do not know who my father is. Unfortunately my Mom had a stroke and was not the woman that I grew up with and I didn't make time to ask her about the things that I wanted to know. I regret to this day that i didn't make a little more time for her.

My condolences on the passing of your dad. I had feelings of remorse when my dad died many years ago, because he had had strokes 11 years earlier and during all his declining health my mom dutifully cared for him--it nearly killed her; I felt relieved that she was no longer having to deal with that (and her health did improve), but I also felt guilty that I felt that way. (I had provided some assistance during the last 4 years of his life--they lived near me then--but I was still working and couldn't be with them constantly.) When my mom died, she was living in a nursing home in a city remote to me and she really wanted to come live with me; my circumstances--living alone and still working, with a 2-story home--just would not have worked for that. Naturally, I felt guilty that I couldn't honor her wishes. I was able to be with her at the time of her death, but I'm not sure she really knew I was there.

We all have guilty feelings when our parents die, and we no longer have to worry about them and their care. It is normal, and one never really gets completely over it (I haven't). You will need to remember the good times with your dad and the things you did together. I'm sure he is at peace, and you should be, too.

flashguy

So sorry you have experienced this point in life. I find, from time to time thoughts of regret and disappointment for not having invested more time before my folks were gone. I was busy raising 4 kids and working hard, just like they did. We come full circle it seems.

Re-read your post. You did much to support your parents. We can always find fault with ourselves for not doing "enough". Sometimes enough is showing up and caring. You did that and more.

My parents passed 15 years ago. Sometimes, at sunset the sky is SkyBluePinkandPurple, a color my dad invented. I say hi to my dad and mom when I see it. Curious, there has always been dust in the air when it happens.

From your OP you believe they are in a place where they no longer have to struggle and no one can hurt them anymore. This should fill your heart with joy. Don't confuse that joy with feeling relieved.

As a father of three myself, the thing I believe every parent wants is for their kids to do and be better off then they were and the last thing I want is for them to have to worry about me. Just because you may have not been there when your dad passed doesn't mean that you didn't love each other. Most of us don't get to pick our time to depart this Earth, and believe me when I tell you it is much better for your father that this happened quickly then to have been drug out over several years. It sucks, but life goes on and it will get better.

I am sorry for your loss.

My condolences Warren.

What you are going through is natural and normal. Don't beat yourself up for it. My condolences.