I’m curious to see how other folks are handling similar situations with parents who live in other states, are elderly and in decline. Situations where you fly in to see them and then fly out pretty much exhausted.

I live in Washington State, in my mid-60’s and work full-time (50-60 hours/week). My mid-80’s parents (and my Uncle) live in Northern California. Their health is in decline. My mother has Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s. She really can’t do anything for herself but watch TV with the volume at gunshot decibels. At the beginning of this year, I was successful in convincing them to have a Caregiver for my mother about 16 hours/day. That has helped significantly as my Step Father was overwhelmed but in daily denial. My Uncle is already in a memory care facility in the same city and has no clue who any of us are. There are no relatives of my mother in California. I have a sister who lives in Washington State but she’s worthless. It’s basically, on me.

My Step Father, has numerous major health issues of his own but is still driving which is a separate topic. He has some siblings in the south bay area who visit them periodically (once every 3 months).

As you might expect, they refuse to move out of their house and wouldn’t consider relocating to Washington State. I get that. While the plane ride is only two hours, the check-in, the flight and then the rental car drive 2 hours north of SFO pretty much takes a day to get to them and then about a day going in reverse. That makes my trips quick turn-arounds. I fly in Friday nights and leave Sunday afternoons.

I usually spend my time with them doing repairs, errands, Computer diagnoses, keeping them from buying items they shouldn’t purchase, throwing out half of the refrigerator or pantry of expired items, listening to five cuckoo clocks chiming off, sitting with them watching reruns of every CSI TV show with Mark Harmon or, every ‘Blue Blood’ show with Tom Selleck (those shows play in continuous loop). If my mother wants to shake things up a bit, she’ll watch ‘Access Hollywood’ which demands even more patience.

I'm grateful to still have my parents. That's a blessing for me. But, I'm curious how others on the forum might be handling similar situations where parents are located in other states, are impacted by health issues and, it's on you to deal with it and you're not retired.

I am mid 40's parents are just shy of 70. I am in va, they are in Portland Oregon. I will be helping them get their place ready for sale soon. Whether or not they will actually move, sell, or relocate. Who the hell knows. All I can do is make the opportunity.

We moved all over the US when I was a kid, my wife and I have done the same. However, we like va. We would love for them to be close to their grandkids. I will not move back to Oregon or Washington. The jobs for my wife's field is just not there. So, as I said above, the best we can do is make the move easier and simpler for them.

Been there and I hope the best for you. My wife in Oregon,tried to manage her fathers affairs in Pennsylvania, It was difficult AND we had support from cousins and family friends back in PA..

It came to after months of talking to him we flew out to Pittsburg, and sat done with her dad and 6-7 family members and friends. We told him we were taking the car keys and getting in a home was his only option. Pardon me, since I was the non blood relative who lived 3000 miles away I the heavy who told him, and everyone else said I was right and he should listen (This was pre thought out ahead of time). It did not go over well. Many elderly see staying in the family home means they are still independent, and going into a home means they are a failure. They can get pretty irrational because they are scared.

To get to the point he agreed after about an hour of discussion which we were pleasantly surprised. We anticipated a week or more.

To summarize don't drop it on them, drop hints and suggestions and start making it more frequent. Get outside support, if there are no family members get friends, the caregiver, church members if that applies. When the time comes have one or two people lay down the law, in a gentle fashion, and the rest of the people can say that's a good idea. If everybody tells them its time they may feel overwhelmed.

Scope out more than one facility, and look into long term care insurance. We fought tooth and nail with the insurance company about getting support when he was in the retirement home, they kept moving the goal posts so research that just like you do the homes.

Good Luck and bless you for being the one that takes it on.

Very similar situation here. Mom, now 88, had suffered several falls and was bedridden at home in Texas, I am in SC. By the time we got there I thought she would die.

We took her to a doctor and he ordered her into a nursing home for rehab and told her she could never live alone again. She has accepted that fact, has recovered from the fall but still needs daily assistance for getting her meds, meals, and other daily routines.

She can talk to you as normal as ever, other than repeating things over and over, and not remembering all the events of her past.

I love her very much but she did not want to move in with me or my sister, and I really think she knows where she resides is the best place for her.
She is a fabulous person.

Same boat, I'm in Co. and my parents are in St.Augustine 1870 miles away.I'm lucky because I have a close cousin and very good friends to call on when something happens. At best a hard 2 day drive,usually 2.5 and spend my 2 week vacation tending to the home and things that need to be done. On top of that my in laws in Nebraska are 6.5 hours away on a nice day. She's partially paralyzed from a stroke and he busted his hips and has various issues to the point that he can't really do anything anymore so they have aides coming in. Tremendous stress on my wife and myself. It just never ends. At least my parents are still self sufficient but we really need a vacation. Been ongoing for 10 years now.

I there with you. I am in Denver and they are in Austin.

Mom and step dad are in their 80's now. She is plugging along, but he is starting to fade and it was getting very difficult for her to manage all the house stuff. I have one step brother who lives in the area and he has been a great help, but he and his wife are going through some serious health issues right now. Mom finally convinced my Step-dad that moving to an assisted living apartment would be good for them, so they have now. It's a relief, but it's still tough being far away.

I know all about it, I drove back and forth four hours away to check on my mom for the last year or so of her life. My two brothers did nothing to help, my older brother didn’t even attend the funeral.

My dad is 12 hours away and more than 10 years ago I offered to move him and my step mom near me, I offered to buy land and a trailer for them to live in - they refused. My step mom passed a month ago and my dad is in a wheelchair. Now my dad is to the point where he needs to be in a nursing home, much of it due to him not taking care of himself and following doctors orders. Now his bad choices became me my problem and honestly they were selfish choices, I told him today would come and nobody would be there to help, especially since he had no money saved and was living off disability.

I’m trying to get power of attorney, get him on medicaid and find a nursing home for him - remotely. My wife and I told my daughter we would not do this to her when we get older.

BTDT, unpleasant and hard choices. I was within 400 mile drive each way, had local but aged-in-their-own right clan members who did all they could possible do to help. Still required I make increasingly more frequent on site decisions.

Leading them into a new phase of life with their failing health and unreliable memory, stongly in denial & without any actual plan either financial, legal, etc made such as 'estate conservator' and medical decisions more difficult.

Legal guardianship and Power of Attorney are necessary tools eventually. While heartbreaking, when it gets to where they actually can NOT identify you makes your choices easier to realize such IS best for them.

You may be surprised how many suddenly discovered concerned relatives jump out of the shadows once the Will is executed.

My in-laws moved to Florida from Massachusetts. Who would blame them?? LOL
After a few years, my mother-in-law developed some medical issues which prompted my wife, an RN, to fly down to FL and gets their butts up to NH, where she could help them properly. She found a local, assisted living place where they could be well taken care of. After a few years, they became concerned about their income; can't pay the facility, you're out!
We converted our 2-car garage into an in-law apartment, equipped with handicap features, including wheel-chair compatible doorways, shower, and toilet.
To say the least, they have benefitted greatly by being closer to family and not to have to worry about getting put on the street.
My suggestion is to move them closer to your family where you can look after them and help them out! It's not always easy, but that's what family is all about!

"Good children take care of their parents."

That thought is what kept me going as I drove 3 hours each way 2x/month for 10 years to take care of my folks. As I read your description of your trips I remembered my entire weekends being consumed by driving, fixing all the broken household items, updating/fixing the computer, shopping and giving my mom relief from taking care of my dad. He finally passed in 2012, but being a stubborn German my mom refused to move out of her house until 3 years ago when taking care of the pool and yard became too much for her at 79 years old. Extricating her out of the Austin area to a Fort Worth independent senior apartment community was a big endeavor (yes, that's an understatement), so if you do convince your folks to move don't underestimate the effort required to make it happen.

As for my in-laws, for years we begged them to move from CA to TX so they could be closer to us as their medical problems increased. My wife was doing more for her parents than her sister who only lived 45 minutes away from them. They never told us what event caused it, but out of the blue in 2011 her mom called and said "Find us a house in your neighborhood, then move us there." So we did. It was a huge undertaking, but we did it and it was well worth it. They have both mercifully passed away, her dad less than a year ago.

Now that my mom is starting to have memory issues, we just very recently moved her from her apartment into their empty house. This will keep her even closer with great neighbors who have been very supportive and watchful over the years.
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The hard truth is there are very few viable options in your case. Ultimately they will simply need to go to a nursing home if they refuse to move from their home state. For us, the only real option was to get the parents to move very close to us so we could credibly take care of them as a team. Either option is going to take an emotional toll on you, your wife and your family, so be prepared for that as you help your parents deal with these difficult decisions.

As my situation began to unfold I was advised to read a great book called "When Roles Reverse" which describes the mental and emotional challenges an adult child faces during these times. I highly recommend you pick up a copy and read it soon.

You are in my prayers, 2PAK, and I'm sure you're in many other's here too. Shoot me an email if you want to talk. I don't have all the answers, but I've been down this road twice.

This past week I was in Columbus, OH helping my parents shut down the house I basically grew up in and got it ready for them to sell and relocate.

I thought I buy the house and retire in it. As of Sunday they are now residents of FL.

My sister is just outside of St. Petersburg, and I am trying to get a job around the Gainesville area to be closer if something goes wrong.

You can only do so much.

Dad was a steelworker for 32 years and drove dealer trades for car dealerships after he retired. Loved to get out on the road. Started getting calls, "Dad got lost coming back from the grocery store," from Mom. I had enough time in to pull a retirement, so I moved back to their state to assist. Eventually he took a fall, and didnt walk too well.

Brought in home health assistance , but he took several more falls. Found him an awesome full time care home with 8 other seniors and he was reasonably happy there and very well cared for. Just about broke my heart seeing him, visiting him and having to leave him there. He passed two years ago. Celebrated my Mom's 90th birthday last fall. Relatives and friends from out of state. She's still doing well and sharp as a tack! Personally, I started in with the state and promoted twice and am still 30k a year down from the job I retired from. Very happy I made the choice I did, regardless.

We were faced with my in-laws aging and going to need help. We bit the bullet and moved us and them from NJ to UT. We bought a great house with a small apartment and it worked out fine. My MIL passed away after about 1 1/2 years, my FIL died after 6 years.

The only issue we ran into was my FIL was getting out of control, Dementia was really kicking in. We moved him to a very small local facility, he loved it. About 6 months in he went down hill, we were at his side when he passed.

My brother has mine about 5 miles down the road from him. They did a good job in downsizing to a 1-story condo from a multi-story and also sold / donated a bunch of crap they had been hauling around for decades - they gave us first crack at anything we wanted but after that their rule was unless it was used in the past 2 years, it was gone.

My dad (75) is having some mental issues, not sure how much longer they will let him drive. My mom (74) is better mentally, but is having some continued leg issues. They do alright as a team but I don't let my family ride with him driving - I've brought the issue up to my Mom and Brother, but so far they think he's still ok at it (gets distracted easily).

In Fort Myers now, in the beginning of this horrible situation. It is simple to come up with solutions, but I can tell the effort will be monumental. I will be spending time at the lifecare community to figure out how the staff here can help, before I fly home.