They’re not your kids, they’re not your wife’s kid’s, so not your problem.

My wife keeps saying we can help them and shame on us if we don't. I call BS on that. These are adults and they don't want help. These young adults want our lives. They can get it with 40yrs of work like we did.

We agree 99.9% of the time and I have to admit I couldn't dream for a better partner than her. The woman is as good as it gets. I really don't think there is a way to find better than her, even if I had 10 lifetimes to try. She will have to see this one my way though. I just won't allow these young folks to come between us or guilt her into doing too much.

There are things you can do to help people. I told my wife flat out, here are a few things we can do and that we do have to offer - make sure you remember the small list of what we do NOT have to offer and WILL NOT OFFER! The issue is people want what you are not offering.

Reminds me of those lottery shows that show how miserable people are after winning millions. They give money to people and change their lifestyles drastically but it's never enough because all these people can think of is how you live as the lottery winner and how they should live like that too. HELL NAH!

It can be tough and I so hope your wife won’t make it hard on you.

My good friend and neighbor who lives two houses down from me is going through this with his step daughter.

While she isn’t a dead beat and does work house cleaning and pet sitting it doesn’t and will never allow her a decent living.

She has a son that just turned three its hard and buddy is getting the short end of the stick. Its great having his grandson around but the girl is causing issues in their marriage. He works nights as a UPS driver so it causes issues with his sleep and peace of mind.

I keep telling him to enjoy his extra time with his grandson but all the other bs is taking a toll on him and his marriage.

He isn’t going to win this battle no matter how right he is on the issues.

quote:

Originally posted by Mustang-PaPa:
It can be tough and I so hope your wife won’t make it hard on you.

My good friend and neighbor who lives two houses down from me is going through this with his step daughter.

While she isn’t a dead beat and does work house cleaning and pet sitting it doesn’t and will never allow her a decent living.

She has a son that just turned three its hard and buddy is getting the short end of the stick. Its great having his grandson around but the girl is causing issues in their marriage. He works nights as a UPS driver so it causes issues with his sleep and peace of mind.

I keep telling him to enjoy his extra time with his grandson but all the other bs is taking a toll on him and his marriage.

He isn’t going to win this battle no matter how right he is on the issues.

This is my concern. If she ever got into our home she would never leave. She doesn't have the drive or skills to do so and she is too old to be given those principles. I have no interest in spending my days providing for an adult that has a list of excuses ready for every discussion.

I hate hearing... but we have so much. We don't have much at all. We have bills and responsibilities but we do have plans to clear them all in 10yrs that we are tracking to live up to. Taking on someone else's life means I die still working

I concur with everyone else here. They have both been bailed out too much, and neither one seems to think they have to earn their way in life. Letting them in the door is another bailout and it hurts them, it doesn't help them.

I say this as someone that has raised, with my wife, three kids to adulthood and all three stood on their own two feet after college. They are fairly close in age range to your wife's sister's kids.

Those two need tough love. They will never, ever grow up until they are forced to do it. Your wife needs to understand that bringing them into your home is like giving an alcoholic a drink. And she needs to get her emotions out of it.


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Best rant of 2025 !

quote:

My wife keeps saying we can help them and shame on us if we don't.

I agree with her 100%. This is your opportunity to provide them a life lesson they are certainly way over due for.

Wife paying for a hotel room? Don't know what to say other than I really hope it works out for you.
Keep her in CA would be my choice, help out, if possible in ways to turn things around.

quote:

Originally posted by Skins2881:

quote:

My wife keeps saying we can help them and shame on us if we don't.

I agree with her 100%. This is your opportunity to provide them a life lesson they are certainly way over due for.

Would love to hear more of your thoughts on this position

Tell her, (yes. TELL) that you role is protecting your family, that you, the wife and children.

You have no duty to do anything that threatens that, no matter what means you have at your disposal. That's not selfish, that's self preservation.

Let her know that her helping against your position is already threatening your family's peace.

Shame on your wife for manipulating you.

If she has her way, your marriage moves into greater peril.

You already know..let any of them move in, and they’ll be there for years, freeloading. It’s not your or your wife’s fault. This younger generation just thinks they are entitled to all the things and to freeload if they can. I’ve had a job since I was 10 years old, and I’m tired, real tired, from a lifetime of work. But all be damned if I’m going to sponge off somebody else. I only want, what I make, and I don’t want any hand outs.

It’s hard love but love nonetheless. They have to understand there is no free lunch. The 21 year old daughter, my goodness. Don’t drive, don’t cook, don’t work? What in the actual fuck? Life is hard, so they need to learn the hard way, so be it.

quote:

Originally posted by Prefontaine:
You already know..let any of them move in, and they’ll be there for years, freeloading. It’s not your or your wife’s fault. This younger generation just thinks they are entitled to all the things and to freeload if they can. I’ve had a job since I was 10 years old, and I’m tired, real tired, from a lifetime of work. But all be damned if I’m going to sponge off somebody else. I only want, what I make, and I don’t want any hand outs.

It’s hard love but love nonetheless. They have to understand there is no free lunch. The 21 year old daughter, my goodness. Don’t drive, don’t cook, don’t work? What in the actual fuck? Life is hard, so they need to learn the hard way, so be it.

My thoughts exactly! Help is advice, help is a lil bit of money here and there, help is encouragement. Help is not me doing everything for you. My wife and I have very interesting talks. One not too long ago was empathy vs sympathy. She said they're basically the same thing but sympathy is when you know the person. I disagreed completely. Empathy is hearing about someone going through something and saying I "understand" and I hope you get through it, etc...I empathize ---- Sympathy is when you "feel" the pain they are going through and have decided to hurt with them. I sympathize with your position and remember when it happened to me I hurt too and on and on.

I try not to do either. I try to be objective and remove feelings and just do what I know to be best for now and going forward.

Oh Hell No!

Their dad and siblings quitting on them is the only recommendation you need.
I hope you can get your wife onboard with you without damaging your marriage.

quote:

Originally posted by FLKev:

quote:

Originally posted by Skins2881:

quote:

My wife keeps saying we can help them and shame on us if we don't.

I agree with her 100%. This is your opportunity to provide them a life lesson they are certainly way over due for.

Would love to hear more of your thoughts on this position

I could be wrong, but I believe his position on your wifes statement "My wife keeps saying we can help them and shame on us if we don't" is that the way of "helping" them is "NOT" helping them-i.e. tough love...but you already clearly know that-just hope your wife realizes this is the only way to truly help them.

quote:

Let her know that her helping against your position is already threatening your family's peace.

Shame on your wife for manipulating you.

If she has her way, your marriage moves into greater peril.

She won't agree to anything that we haven't agreed to. We've had that talk. She just thinks we should let her move in because she has no one in her corner. My point is that she has no one in her corner because she has burned them all. I'm not gonna be next in line.

Almost as if she needs a plan. Set up time lines.
Drivers school, one that supplies a car, and get license.
Job at nearby Home depot or store ( walking distance).
Then figure out how to get her out of hotel room.
Get a cheap car.
I know it sounds good on paper, but it's almost as if you're raising a 16yr old.
If she moves in with you, gonna have to help her with that stuff anyway. Best to keep her in CA. I'm sure the State has some low income assistance available.

quote:

Originally posted by FLKev:

quote:

Let her know that her helping against your position is already threatening your family's peace.

Shame on your wife for manipulating you.

If she has her way, your marriage moves into greater peril.

She won't agree to anything that we haven't agreed to. We've had that talk. She just thinks we should let her move in because she has no one in her corner. My point is that she has no one in her corner because she has burned them all. I'm not gonna be next in line.

I think you are 100% right in your assessment. Hang in there.

I'm assuming these kids are your nephew and niece.

The nephew- nope, from the description, a two-time going on three time loser. No ambition to better himself, just looking for free room and board.

The niece- a woman who by description has been sponging off of older men, possessing no work history, higher education, skill set, etc. And has expensive tastes.

Thank God they are just relatives and not your actual children. Because this is SO easy- to quote Q, that would be a fucking hell NO with me.

Years ago when the son (my nephew) was 20-21yrs old I sat him down and talked about the power of being financially secure even if you didn't like the work. I explained that he could attend any campus within the school network I worked within. I am in administration with aviation schools. I offered him FREE commercial pilots license with free dorm for the entire program track AND he would be able to keep any Pell Grant money he qualified for and put it in his pocket OR he could become an AMT (Aviation Maintenance Tech) same deal with Pell Grant. I took him to work showed him the programs and introduced him to faculty and staff. He called me a few days later and said thank Uncle but nah, that's not what I want to do. I tried to explain that he would have enough income to choose to be anything he wanted to be and he could retrain himself in that field while living an amazing life. He refused again. You can't help people that want freebies...it just can't be done.

I appreciate the support guys. I didn't post for validation because this scenario has a pretty clear path to what should be done, but it is nice to confirm it anyway.

It's time to have another sit-down, but with the correct person. The one that needs to be sat down and refocused is my wife.