This ended 5 years ago now and I've gone back and forth about whether or not I should post about it. I'm usually never one to try and garner sympathy, and I didn't want to look like that's what I was trying to do. Also, the first couple years afterward were a bit of a fog, so I wasn't really in the mindset to do it. I've unfortunately become a bit of an expert on grief over the last decade, so I thought maybe my story might help somebody else out too. The post about therapy is what finally prodded me to post about this, since the number one lesson I've learned is that the best way to cope with bad things happening, is to talk about them with other people. Especially ones not directly involved.

As I said this whole thing was a bit of a fog, both during the time everything was happening and the following couple years. Not that it matters but my order of events might be a bit skewed, so I apologize if I correct myself later. Not that it really matters since the story is the same, but. I also apologize if I ramble at all.

For context, I grew up in a fairly large family. My mother's side consisted of 2 brothers and 3 sisters, and my fathers with 1 sister and 5 brothers.
 
Back shortly before the holidays in 2016, my mother pulled my brother and I aside and told us that she had been diagnosed with uterine cancer. She stated that she had already undergone a full hysterectomy and was going to start additional treatments to clean up the rest. She was told by her oncologists "You're not going to die from this". She had started to experience some odd symptoms and thankfully she immediately went to the doctors to see what was wrong. She was diagnosed, the surgery was planned and completed before she told anyone except for one of her sisters. At the same time, her oldest brother was also diagnosed with cancer. However, his was more far advanced. Always having been afraid of doctors and hospitals, he had likely experienced symptoms for a year prior to finally feeling bad enough to go to the hospital. He was gone 45 days after his diagnoses.

Both my mother's parents, the homemaker/retired school secretary and the retired Chief Master Sergeant, had settled in the smaller town just outside of Boston some 60 years prior and still lived in the same house. This house wound up being 1 house away from the 3 family that I grew up in, along with my aunt and uncle in another apartment, with a tenant above. This allowed us to see them nearly every day and made holidays incredible convenient to say the least. Now, with both of them suffering from various severities of Alzheimer's and dementia, it made it easy for my mother and one of my aunts to care for them. Even with my mother going through treatment.

My grandfather was as tough but as caring as they come. Having risen to the rank of Chief Master Sergeant in the Air Force with barely a high school diploma. He served in WWII in the Navy, then switched branches and served out his career on Cape Cod. Now at 89, the man who had to be locked in his home under watch after triple bypass surgery so he wouldn't keep working on house projects while he recovered, was finally starting to slow down. One fun story, the day before his open heart surgery, he helped a new neighbor replace the decking on his front porch. A day or two later, the neighbor brought over a bottle of wine as a thank you and thought he had killed him when he was told he was in the hospital recovering from heart surgery. Almost a year after burying one of his sons, he passed away while waiting for an ambulance to bring him to hospice. The man who never believed anything would happen to him, lived up to his word that if he were to die, it would be in his own home.

On my father's side my other grandfather who was also a WWII veteran and later became a mechanic for TWA, had passed away a decade and a half earlier. My grandmother however had never slowed down after. She had some health issues but had remained almost completely independent. My aunt had moved in with her a few years before to help her with some stuff around the house. But she remained largely independent up until about a week before she passed away in September of 2018.

Following this was a constant onslaught of loss, my mother's other brother passed away from cancer in March of 2019, my other grandmother in July. And one of my mother's sisters who had struggled with MS for the better part of 3 decades in September.

Shortly after this, my mother had one of her many follow up appointments with her oncologist. He advised her that despite all of the treatments she had over the past 3 years, that the cancer had spread and was now untreatable. He advised her that she had anywhere from 2 weeks to 2 months to live. She decided that after everything that had happened and everything everyone was put through, that she didn't want to put anyone through that. So she checked herself into a hospice house shortly after, and 3 weeks from her meeting with her oncologist, and the night before Thanksgiving 2019, my mother passed away. Ending a 3 year stretch of stress, grief, loss and more.

If you're still reading this, I thank you for putting up with this. I could have written a lot more but I know nobody wants to read a wall of text. As I said, talking about grief, stress and other factors is a huge part of getting past it. A few years later we had a call at work for an unresponsive child who unfortunately did not make it. This triggered a Critical Incident Stress Management meeting with peer counselors who had all of us meet together and talk about exactly what happened from start to finish. This allows those involved to replay the event from all perspectives (Think about a sitcom or other TV show episode where they replay an event from the viewpoint of every character on the show), and fill in the blanks, and see that you did everything you could and that sometimes bad things just happen that are out of your control.

Shortly thereafter I started therapy with a very good therapist who had no qualms about telling me how it is, but also providing insight that I otherwise wouldn't come up with on my own and may not get from others. As I said in the beginning, the couple years after and all of the years during, I was in a bit of a fog and had put myself in "Public safety mode" IE, take care of what's going on around you and shut off your emotions. This allowed me to help everyone with getting things done during everything (Including helping the funeral home carry my grandfather's body down the stairs when the 5'0 funeral director was struggling). But it also prevented me from really expressing any emotion even after.

So, the moral of the story is this. If you ever have going through bad times in your life, no matter what it is. Or if bad things have happened to you. If you feel like you're drowning and can't get out of it. Sometimes the best thing you can do, is talk about what has happened with other people. Don't be afraid to express emotion or feelings. It's not weakness, it's strength.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

Thanks for sharing that Ryan. Have always respected you here (like many others).
That is some good advice and the likely hood that many of us will face similar and can gain some perspective is helpful.

Thank you.

Youch! You have definitely been through it!!!

I’m sorry for all you’ve gone through. At the same time, I want to thank you for sharing your story and how you dealt with it. You may have given one or more members more help than you can imagine.

quote:

It's not weakness, it's strength.

True words

Thanks for sharing your family's story. Kudo's to you for staying strong.

quote:

Originally posted by ryan81986:
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

And thank you for sharing it.

Sounds like you were completely surrounded by love for many years. How very lucky you are to have that time.
Life is such a series of changes that can really bring us to our knees at times. And sometimes, being strong just isn’t a choice.
Therapy can definitely help, and without question, from someone who has an outside perspective. Thank you for reminding me that we all have times where we just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, only to overcome and make it through.

Thank you all I appreciate it. Hopefully it helps someone out.