There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of their large building.

Smokey put in a bid, & because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding & setting up the planks & buying the paint & yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, & the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church, & knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned & useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees & cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..
(you're going to love this)
"Repaint! Repaint!
And thin no more.


I can hear you groaning from here.......but it made me laugh....

That's racist!

Several children found a dead robin.

Feeling that a proper burial should be performed, they secured a small box and some cotton batting, dug a hole in the back yard, and made ready to dispose of the deceased.

The minister’s 5-year-old son was chosen to say the prayer.

And so with great dignity, he intoned, “Glory be to the Father…and unto the Son…and into the hole he goes.”

A rich Scotsman, David MacDougal, lay dying, surrounded by his family.

His lawyer had finally convinced him to prepare a will, and he was trying feebly to sign it.

Putting pen to paper, his hand shook as he wrote his name slowly: D....a.....v....I....

He fell back, exhausted. A grandson, through his tears, encouraged him: "d, Grandfather! d!"

Raising himself up on his pillow, MacDougal said angrily: "I'll dee when I'm good and ready!"

quote:

Originally posted by 12131:
That's racist!

Yeah, painting all Scots with the same brush.

And Smokey is lucky he didn't crash onto a headstone. Coulda kilt him.

boo hiss

thats a keeper

I'm going to share this with the Elders of my church at our meeting tonight. Smokey MacGregor was Scottish, so it's likely he was Presbyterian.

It all fits!

A Brit, an Irishman and a Scot walk into a bar and all order a beer. Unfortunately. A fly lands in each beer. The British guy asks for another beer and gets one. The Irish guy picks the fly out and puts it to the side. The Scottish guy takes the fly by the leg, shaking it and screams "SPIT IT OUT, YA DIRTY BASTARD!!!".

Consider that stolen property.

Roy Rogers bought some new boots and left them out overnight on the porch. The next morning he found them gnawed to pieces. Suspecting a mountain lion that he'd seen around, he grabbed his Winchester 94, saddled up Trigger and rode off. He returned that evening with a dead mountain lion.

Dale Evans met him at the door and asked, "Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

quote:

Originally posted by Jim Shugart:
Consider that stolen property.

Roy Rogers bought some new boots and left them out overnight on the porch. The next morning he found them gnawed to pieces. Suspecting a mountain lion that he'd seen around, he grabbed his Winchester 94, saddled up Trigger and rode off. He returned that evening with a dead mountain lion.

Dale Evans met him at the door and asked, "Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

I don't think the punch line comes across, unless you sing it. Track 29!

quote:

Originally posted by Jim Shugart:
Roy Rogers bought some new boots and left them out overnight on the porch. The next morning he found them gnawed to pieces. Suspecting a mountain lion that he'd seen around, he grabbed his Winchester 94, saddled up Trigger and rode off. He returned that evening with a dead mountain lion.

Dale Evans met him at the door and asked, "Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

When not engaged in other missions, HMS Bounty transported goods between the UK and European ports. As the ship was being loaded with nuts destined for France, the dock master approached the captain and asked, "Pardon me, Bligh -- Is that the Chateau Neuf cashew issue?"

Love it, cool!