I’ll be the first to say that this sounds very shallow, and soulless. But I have come to trust and respect you guys and so I would like to hear what you all have to say.

The greatest sorry/joy thread brought this back to my mind.
The end of December 2018, I left my job. Changed my life, moved, and am really quite happy.

That said, the day I quit my job, I kind of lost my identity.
I was a high ranking manager (third in line from the CEO) for a very large grocery distributor. I started out on the bottom at that company. Moved up again and again, to where I was in charge of all outbound product $800 million a year, a crew of 120 employees, inbound logistics, I covered the IT side of operations, as well as security and card access systems.

I was so proud of my job and my title. It was WHO I was. I felt so incredibly important. Without it, I feel like a nobody.

Has anyone else had an experience like this?

quote:

Originally posted by Beancooker:
I’ll be the first to say that this sounds very shallow, and soulless. But I have come to trust and respect you guys and so I would like to hear what you all have to say.

The greatest sorry/joy thread brought this back to my mind.
The end of December 2018, I left my job. Changed my life, moved, and am really quite happy.

That said, the day I quit my job, I kind of lost my identity.
I was a high ranking manager (third in line from the CEO) for a very large grocery distributor. I started out on the bottom at that company, and was in charge of all outbound product $800 million a year, a crew of 120 employees, inbound logistics, I covered the IT side of operations, as well as security and card access systems.

I was so proud of my job and my title. It was WHO I was. I felt so incredibly important. Without it, I feel like a nobody.

Has anyone else had an experience like this?

Have had an experience like that but it wasn't job related.
Happened in 2015 and took me 2 years to move on from it.
Completely lost my identity and became someone I never wanted to be.

quote:

Originally posted by Beancooker: I was so proud of my job and my title. It was WHO I was. I felt so incredibly important. Without it, I feel like a nobody.

"The second worst thing in a fighter pilot's career is walking out to his jet knowing it's his last flight. The absolute worst thing is walking out to his jet NOT knowing it's his last flight."

I was lucky to know it was my last and had an awesome fini-flight with a very good friend flying as my wingman. I'll be honest and say I had tears in my eyes as I made the call to tower for the full-stop landing. The post-flight ceremony was awesome and humbling at the same time.

Later, during the 30 minute drive home by myself, it really hit me that I wasn't going to be a Fighter Pilot anymore. My entire identity for so many years had been wrapped up in that job and lifestyle. That reality really crushed me and it took me awhile to get over it and move on. Over time I realized that the positive things I DO for others is far more important than who I AM. I don't really need an "identity" to go about and quietly do good things to improve the world. Mrs. 'Hook says I may be in danger of actually growing up, and she might be right.

You'll get over this eventually. Cherish the memories, keep in touch with your friends, but look forward to find your next big adventure. Looking forward gives you something to get out of bed for each and every morning.

Cheers!

Yes, I made that mistake twice. I was in a career field for 32 years, then retired and felt at a loss, so I started a second career in a related field. I retired from that 12 years later. I was far too involved in both jobs. I began to recognize this in others, however, before I saw it in myself. I stayed idle for 6 months, then an opportunity arose in a non-related field. I now have a circle of friends in that job, AND a large group of customers I have developed personal relationships with. It's a nice distraction, and helps me distance myself from the obligations (not the right word) I have felt in the past.

I understand one of the issues some (many?) men (perhaps women, now, too?) have with retirement is their job comes to define them. Without the job they lose an essential aspect of that makes them them.

Luckily, though I was quite invested in what I did for a living, was proud of what I did and, frankly, how well I did it: The job did not define me. It was more a case of how I saw myself defining my approach to the job.

Mind you: While I was still employed I performed the job with unwavering dedication. Dedication to the point that I never took a vacation that would put me more than a few hours from the office. I was never entirely out of contact. (I once took a support call from the President & CEO, who was calling from China, while I was still on the boat returning from a sailboat race.) When the power'd go out at oh-dark-thirty it was more often me notifying facilities maintenance than the other way around. I one time went in in the midst of a blizzard on a Sunday evening when there was a power failure in order to make certain everything was orderly.

But when it came time to retire--when I'd finally had enough: That was it. I wrapped it up and left it behind.

I haven't missed it for a moment .

We sometimes confuse our identities as individuals with our career choices. We are not what we do, we are who we are. One of the main challenges to retirees is realizing there actually is life after work, and some of them just don't get it.

I have told this story before.

I also had a job I really liked. Loved the people I worked with. Doing important work. Was pretty happy. Money was decent.

Decided to move and relocate. Was talking with a co-worker. He was kind of shocked that i was leaving and told me he could not afford to quit. I told him I could not afford to stay. He looked at me with a preplexed look on his face. I explained to him that I had things I wanted to do. And this job stood in the way of me being able to pursue those things. And even though there was security and to a lot less of a degree an identity.
That was not as important as leaving to do other things.

You left or where let go. So if it was your choice than push on to do what you left to do and don't look back.

If let go. You need to figure out what you want to do and go for it with all you got.

Anyone who hasn’t just been on welfare for 30 years or something similar but rather is doing something important in life will stop doing it sooner or later if they live long enough. When I quit the last important full time job I had, I went from making decisions that could have had life or death consequences to having no responsibilities of the same nature the minute I walked out the door after my last shift.

As for the “identity” question, it’s just what we make of it. I sometimes have pangs of regret that I’m no longer being asked to perform a vital role for anyone other than me and my wife, but what I was doing before didn’t define who I was even if my life largely revolved around those things and they occupied many of my thoughts and efforts. I believe part of the reason for that was because I always realized I was replaceable.

The first time I heard that was when I was in the Army and I was initially a little offended by the idea. “Really? You think someone else could do my job?” Well, yes, the armed forces by the very nature of why they exist must be able to replace anyone at any time, and very seldom do outcomes change when that’s necessary. And when they do change, very often it’s for the better, but if it’s not, that’s the breaks. I guess if I have an “identity,” it’s based on my values and what I believe, including why and how I do things rather than what I do.

For the record, I should state, I am employed full time. It’s a different industry and I’m good at what I do. I’m not proud of this job or who I am at the company like I used to be.
I do get the reference in the similarity to retirement. In a sense, I did retire from Harbor, and this is a second career.

quote:

Originally posted by Tailhook 84:
My entire identity for so many years had been wrapped up in that job and lifestyle. That reality really crushed me and it took me awhile to get over it and move on. Over time I realized that the positive things I DO for others is far more important than who I AM.

Tailhook, I feel like you completely understand. I would talk to friends about this and they would look at me like I was insane. It brings me a feeling if relief that I’m not totally alone, or completely insane.

Ensigmatic, I was very much the same way. I was always a first responder whenever something was an issue at the warehouse. Be it water flow alarms (usually caused by a power surge), power outages, etc.

Thank you to everyone for your advice and experiences. It is extremely appreciated.

the grocery business has a way of eating your soul,


35yrs in the retail side,
started out as a produce clerk, left as a very successful manager of a high volume store,


that was 3 yrs ago,

no more calls at all hours,
no more 60-70hr work weeks
no more dealing with shoplifters, hood rats etc (last store was in an urban area)

now, 40hrs for one company, maybe 24 for myself (have a small gunshop with my brother),

same hours, basically, but no more BS,

wife thought I was gonna stroke out from stress, rest of the family thought I was either too tired to do anything, or stressed out,

now , not so much, very relaxed environment,


I still struggle with Store Manager Syndrome,, as in I can walk into a retail shop and start looking for what needs to be done, and who needs to get it done,

quote:

Originally posted by Beancooker:
Ensigmatic, I was very much the same way. I was always a first responder whenever something was an issue at the warehouse. Be it water flow alarms (usually caused by a power surge), power outages, etc.

But here's the thing, BC: While I was proud of that responsibility, and my employers' faith in me, it was also a burden. I had to miss my MIL's funeral because I could not be that far away for that long. My wife and I both had to miss a BIL's wedding for the same reason. (She would not be embarrassed by me not accompanying her--again, so she Made Excuses.)

I'm free of that burden now. Now those things that burdened me are Somebody Else's Problem. A great weight has been lifted from my shoulders. As a result I'm slowly, oh so slowly, returning to the more laid-back, more casual, more studied person I once was--a long, long time ago.

I'll probably (crosses fingers) live longer because of it. I'll certainly be a damn sight happier.

OP, glad the change for you worked out.

Firefighters ask me to this day (9 yrs later) if retirement is okay.
Some guys are so scared that they will lose their identity when no longer active because they allowed their whole being be consumed by the job.
It’s easy to do - everyone who cares wants to do the best they can in their job. But I had a life before entering the fire service and I have one now that’s even better.

Good to hear KMitch....I’ll be walking away from the fire service as a Captain and my duties with a moderately active SWAT team as a medic in less than two years. The thought of retirement has me a little nervous I have to admit....but I figure I am still me, same morals and same person....just no more emergency services and all that comes with it. I had a good run, good career, but it’s time to close that chapter and relax!

Ensigmatic,
I agree, it is a great weight to have lifted. The burden is someone else’s. I’m a completely different person. I am much more relaxed and happy. I have time to go off roading with my wonderful wife. I barbecue again. Heck, I spend time chatting with you guys here, because I can.
Part of me misses it though. When I sit and really think it through, I don’t miss it as much as I think I do. But it’s discussing it with you guys that opens my eyes to the fact my life is far better now than it was.

quote:

originally posted by Lyman:
I still struggle with Store Manager Syndrome,, as in I can walk into a retail shop and start looking for what needs to be done, and who needs to get it done

It’s how I am. I went to a food distributor here in town last Monday. I spoke with the owners for a while and looked at their whole facility and processes. Being a place that is less than 10% of where I had been at, I get it, they’re a small business.
I still made a lot of mental notes about what could be improved, immediately, and would fetch enormous returns on investment, or simple changes in processes that would cost nothing, and improve efficiencies. Watching people double or triple handle products drives me insane.

So I guess it never goes away?

I think this happens frequently with a lot of people who leave the military. Active duty military isn't just a job, it's a lifestyle. Even more so if you've been deployed because you're totally immersed in your "job" and "co-workers" for 9-12 months straight in foreign lands.

I believe this period of transition can be dangerous for some people because of the potential for alcohol, drug abuse or reckless behavior.

For me, it wasn't too difficult because I refused to see myself as a Soldier first. I'm a father and husband first before any profession.

Spent 30-years of stretching that yellow crime scene tape, and then being able to go BEHIND the tape to look at all the stuff never shown on TV. First year of retirement was weird/anxious? but retirement settled in and don't regret it at all now.

Working our lifetime towards retirement is something that should be looked forward too and then enjoyed.

quote:

Originally posted by Tailhook 84: .... Over time I realized that the positive things I DO for others is far more important than who I AM. ...

Very well said, and a good reminder; thank you, sir!

Paradoxically, my experience has been the exact opposite of the OP. I was #2 at a Fed. Govt. contractor (VP/IT services), and it took being fired from that position to cause me to re-invent myself as a solo IT consultant. I was very apprehensive at first, it is not a small thing to be suddenly jobless nearing 50 y.o. in a very tight job market, but within a few months I had started to build a client base, and now I have been on my own for 23 years never without a billable month. I admit I have been very lucky, but the point of this post is that sometimes it takes a huge setback to allow someone to find their true identity.

"There is no hunting like the hunting of man and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else afterward".
Ernest Hemingway.
While over stated somewhat, Papa was right. I had a hard time adjusting to life after police work. I missed the feeling of anticipation for the next call and the shot of adrenalin when I got that call. I missed the comradeship of my fellow cops. But what I missed most was my sense of being part of a higher calling and a greater purpose. Its also tough to come to terms with the fact that your youth and glory days are in the past. It would have been easy to sink into depression but instead I got busy building a new life.
I believe the sense of loss and purpose contributes greatly to the high rates of suicide for military and police.

Being in Law Enforcement I saw quickly how this job is how many defined themselves.
They barely took off the uniform, were always in cop mode, and if they weren't working they always hung out with other cops and talked about work. ATE UP is likely the proper term and that is fine for some I guess but I saw many folks retire to be miserable and pick up another LE job when in all reality their body was not truly up for the job any longer.

I work my shifts and give my shifts 110% but I don't work off duty gigs, I don't work overtime (unless mandatory), I do my 40 and I go home and I shut it off. This was a big reason for leaving the Detective Bureau, carrying a case load, being on call, I just got flat tired of it. Patrol is pretty much one shift at a time and I love it. I don't drive the cruiser off duty I don't get involved in minor incidents if I am not working. I enjoy my time with my family, I enjoy other hobbies, and hang out with you guys, and lots of friends that are not LEOs. I have made a serious effort not to let my career define me. Don't get me wrong I highly enjoy my career and have gotten to do a lot of cool things but I don't want it to define me and want to easily be able to walk away when I choose. And in the unfortunate event injury forces me out I don't become miserable.
I can retire in 6 years, I'll probably push through another 10 and call it a day. I'll be 46 years old bringing home what I bring home now. Not wealthy but enough to be comfortable. I'll likely work part time while the boys are still in school to offset their private school tuition and be able to stack the 457s so my wife can retire as early as possible but I can promise you it won't be in Law Enforcement.

I am not sure how long you were in the grocery business and it may have been who you are then but it does not always have to be that way.
Find other hobbies outside of work that make you who you are moving forward.

You've reached out to me recently involving your new career and it was very much appreciated. So there is no doubt you are a solid guy that has nothing to do with the old grocery business.
Hopefully you can find yourself outside of the old you but still carry what you did because it was important too but does not need to be the end all.

The first part of my of my signature is pretty fitting here.