I'm supposed to work the day of, but looked at the roster today and we have plenty of bodies. It's my daughter's kindergarten graduation and my son's award ceremony for the end of 3rd grade.

Current plan is for my wife to meet my ex that night to exchange. We're doing dentist visit for some fillings for my 9yo that can't manage to floss the next day, then taking the kids to the beach for the weekend.

But I don't like missing things that are important to them, and my son said he wanted me to be there.

The conflict: it is over an hour away, and it will require the usage of 10 hours of vacation that will take away from a day I would have with them over the summer, that would keep them from a day of childcare. Plus leaving the house by 7am after working til 11 the night before.

Mostly, it means I'll have to spend the morning (2 different ceremonies separated by 2 hours) at a school where the only people I will know are my ex mother in law, whom I truly despise, my ex wife, her boyfriend, and probably some other ex inlaws. I guess that's the part I dread. But the prior paragraph's are legitimate conflicts, too. 10 hours of vacation is a big deal, seeing as how I only have 6 days worth saved up at the moment for the summer, and it takes me a month to earn one day off. I lost hundreds of hours saved when I left my old dept to come here.

The part that makes it hard for me to decide is because my father never came to crap for me. Hell, he didn't even come to my wedding last month. Or my brother's, for that matter. I never want my kids to feel like that.

Then again, he never took a day off to spend with me, in my entire life, that I remember. I guess I'm ahead already. Every day I'm off and can, those kids are with me. I usually don't hesitate to burn vacation to be with them, either.

Tough call.

Everyone's knee jerk reaction is "be there for the kids".
Mostly these folks also rarely have any idea how these situations feel.

My knee jerk would be to skip it.

1) you do have legitimate time issues.
2) you have some fun time already planned with the kids.

Also if you would be surrounded by exes and there are some bad feelings there, the kids are likely to pick up on it (no matter how well you think you are faking it). That could dampen THEIR moods and make the day less enjoyable for them.

I say let the ex side have this day and enjoy your time with them later.
Talk to your son about and explain things regarding the time/leave issues (not the "get along" stuff, obviously). You might be surprised how much he understands about such things.

quote:

Originally posted by hudr:
Tough call.

Everyone's knee jerk reaction is "be there for the kids".
Mostly these folks also rarely have any idea how these situations feel.

My knee jerk would be to skip it.

I'm in the same boat. Skip it.

I say it would be a no go for me, but then many folks think I am in inconsiderate asshole...

Kindergarten and third grade "ceremonies" aren't exactly milestones in my book. High school and college graduations? Absolutely.

I would however explain it to the kids and make a date for a special day that works for your schedule and visitation as well for a phone call that evening so they can tell you all about their special day..

Skip it.

It's either these things now, which aren't going to be big deals to anyone once they're over, or an extra day of true quality time with them over the summer.

No contest.

-Rob

Tough call but I also lean toward skipping in favor of higher quality time with them later.

Graduations, including college, were never cause for celebration - one was expected to graduate from college just like thousands upon thousands of others that day.

The cause for celebration was upon receiving employment at a respectable firm upon which the first month's pay would be given to parents in symbolic gratitude.

The challenge is in making your son understand and accept why you won't be there when he wants you to be. For that I haven't a clue.

If your son said he wanted you there and you can make it than go. Put your discomfort aside.

Better to be there for them on a day that is special and miss a regular day during the summer.

I would go. The joy of them seeing you supporting them will out weigh the vac time. They will become what see in you.

quote:

Originally posted by maddy345:
If your son said he wanted you there and you can make it than go. Put your discomfort aside.

Better to be there for them on a day that is special and miss a regular day during the summer.

That would be a different story, but as he posted, it sounded to me like nobody expects that he will be there.

-Rob

Not going can also be a teaching moment...

Showing that what seems like a big deal (but really isn't) now and wanting the instant gratification of a minor occasion sacrifices a bigger payoff in the long run and reinforces that we all have choices to make and can't always get everything we want.

Pick and choose wisely to make the most of the time available.

They are excited for these "graduations" because they have been conditioned to be. Like so many things, once everything is "special" then nothing really is anymore.

As a parent of now 14-year-olds, there are plenty of opportunities for you to "be there" when necessary. Trust me, there will be much bigger things in the future that you ere going to want to sacrifice for, this is not one of them.

Go, you'll regret it if you don't. It will mean a lot to your kids to see you there (this stuff is a big deal to them even though it seems silly) and I bet you'll see that on their faces when you walk in. I know I always do with my little guy. I've done some things that made no sense at all to be there for him and the look on his face always made me glad I did.

As for the ex in laws, been there too. No reason for you to sit with them or feel like you have to force conversation. I'm always civil, say hello and smile and then find my own space even a few seats away so that nobody feels they have to make conversation.

I’m not a parent, but I was a child and I remember many times when my parents weren’t “there for” me as I was growing up, and I managed to survived with my psyche intact.

And I’m also amazed at all the ceremonies that I must believe the children really don’t think themselves are very important, and if they do it’s an artificially-induced peer pressure thing: “Billy’s dad was there, why weren’t you?” Time was that the last day of the school year was just the last day of the school year. We finished whatever admin requirements there were such as turning in books, goofed off until it was time to get on the bus, and went home. The fact it was over was enough for us to be happy.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: sigfreund,

Skip it. You will feel bad, but everyone will get over it. Just have one of the in laws record it, and watch it with him when you see him next. Explain you have to work and instead of coming to this you will have a special day, the whole day together this summer. Trust me, by the end of that day he won't remember or care you couldn't make it, he will remember and love the whole day of fun he had with you.

We can't make every event, every time. Your guilt over your dad is because he came to nothing, didn't even make the effort. That's not you or what your doing. No parent can come to every single event, it happens, your son will be OK and won't even remember it after your next visit.

Can you use a "mental health day"

Your nine year old can process this. Tell him what you are thinking and give him the choice of the extra whole day with you, or the ceremony. You will be glad you you talked with him about it. He will be glad too.

Skip it, but explain why you couldn't attend. I think your kid will understand, and it's a good life lesson for a youngster to see an adult being responsible.

There is no question here IMO. Your children are only young once and before you know it they are all grown up. Enjoy these times while you can and support them as much as possible.

I'm in the skip it category.

I agree about talking to them. a couple hours today or an entire day of fun in the summer.