From some really bored retirees from our association...

A bit of Irish Humor today;

An Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, finally saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It’s certainly not a ship."

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde. Shaking her tresses.

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said, "Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and Begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I’d forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Bushmills Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!”


A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a Gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. .. ....
(get ready)

'You just happened to catch my eye.'


They're back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

The fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching
for Jesus.'

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the
congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

"What is the quickest way to get to Cork?" I asked the Irish farmer

"Are you walking or driving?" he inquired

"Driving" I replied

"Yes, that would be the quickest..." he replied

---

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were taking part in a survey about tea-drinking habits.

‘I always stir my tea with my left hand,’ said The Englishman.

‘I always stir my tea with my right hand,’ said The Scotsman.

How about you?’ the Irishman was asked.

‘Oh me?’ said the Irishman, ‘I always use a spoon.’

quote:

Originally posted by az4783054:
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!”

You left out the one about the taffy-pulling at St. Peter's.

or is that the peter pulling party at St. Taffy's?

A Scotsman is out hunting. Suddenly, a naked woman comes bounding out of the heather.

"Lass, are ye game?" he exclaims.

"Oh yes; YES!" she says breathlessly.

So he shoots her.

This is a true story - it might be funny to some, and not so funny to others. Since I'm in it, I'm not offering any opinion at all.

When I was a youngster, my dad and used to go for walks out of the village, a couple of miles up the road in the direction of Bray in Co. Wicklow.

Eventually, after climbing a few bits of steep road and speeding down a few dips, we'd end up at the Delgany crossroads. where, at that time, five roads met up. Two went to the nearby seaside town of Greystones, another two to Bray and one to Delgany, though, in the manner of Irish roads, one of the Bray roads also passed near delgany, and indicated as such.

We and my dad were sitting there on a old gate, propped up at the roadside, when a large sedan towing a trailer appeared from the direction from which we had come around half an hour earlier.

The driver and his female companion , plus three screeching kids, were clearly lost, not unusual in rural Ireland in the early 60's, when most roads still had only place-names on them written in the almost incomprehensible Irish script. Myself and my dad were both fluent Irish speakers, and it didn't bother us one bit.

It did, however, bother the red-faced English driver, who was flapping a large map around inside the car and getting more and more flustered by the second.

Leaning out of the window, he gestured to my father, who having no great fondness for red-faced Englishmen, ignored him and carried on making his roll-up. I say, quoth old red-face, you there, does it matter which one of these roads I take to Bray?

My dad finished making up his cigarette, carefully pinching a few shreds of tobacco from each end of the 'nail', looked at him and said, Not to me it doesn't.

@ tacfoley - Ha! You'd fit right in here in New England.

Two road-related things I've pulled on flat-lander touristers (both hoary old Mainah jokes)

1. Feller in a 70's Ford LTD wagon (if you're not familiar, a behemoth of a land yacht) with all sorts of sea trinkets lashed to the roof rack - lobster pots, bouys, netting, etc. - and a car full of snot gobblers stopped out front of the house where I happened to be doing some yard work. Leaned over his long-suffering wife and, pointing up the road, said "Can I take this road to Ellsworth?" Couldn't believe my luck, so in my best Downeast drawl I said "Might as well, looks like you've got everything else." I damn near herniated myself keeping a straight face as he roared off down the road.

2. Similar situation, feller points up the road in the other direction and asks "Where does this road go?" Again with the perfect setup, pulled on my hat brim and said "Don't go no-wheah, stays right heah." He left about $10 worth of rubber and smoke in the road while I blew snot out of both ears trying not to laugh.

I could almost picture it, Tac

I may have told this true story in the Forum before. For quite a few years, my wife and I lived in, or near, Wickenburg, Arizona. My wife and I met there, were married there, and both our kids were born there. The church we attended was St. Anthony of Padua Catholic Church, and the pastor, Fr. Thomas Boyle.

The Catholic Church in Wickenburg is the only church with a bell tower in the town, and one evening Fr. Boyle attended a city council meeting and announced that the Catholic church would be happy to toll the bells for the funeral services of any of the other congregations in town.

Later, that same week, Fr. Boyle was walking down Tegner Street, just down the street from the church when he ran into Pastor Wick Hutchison of the Presbyterian church.

“Thomas,” he said, “I hear you’ve offered to ring the bells for the Presbyterians!”

“Not exactly, Wick,” Fr. Boyle replied. “Only dead Presbyterians.”