I've been working nonstop the last few months. 7 days a week gone from the house for 11-15 hours a day. I have to, its our busiest time of year and my wife and I need the income to survive the leaner winter months.
My wife and I discussed her returning to work but ran the numbers and after daycare we would have about $30 more a week. We decided it was better for the kids to be raised by mom and forgo the minuscule change in our net income.
What got to me was at about 2:30 am this morning my daughter (2.5 years)woke up screaming for daddy. I get up and get her. My daughter looked at me and said "daddy you're not working now can we play." I told her that I was sleeping time and her response was "but daddy you always work we need to play". I broke down and cried holding her tight.
i got home from work around 6 tonight and all the kids want is to hang out with daddy. I am happy to play with them. I love playing with them. My daughter looked at me an hour or so ago and said to me "daddy no work tomorrow play with me".
How can I explain to a toddler that I need to work so we have a house and food etc.
I feel like I'm providing for them financially but neglecting them emotionally.

My wife and I are both lawyers. I try to have her at home to get the kids at 2 3 days a week. We just went to lego land and when we got back to the hotel my son drew on a map all the places that I talked to clients on the phone while at legoland.

Balance is not something I am a master at. You do the best you can. Keeping mom at home will mean more than anything.

I feel your pain.

I do not think that children ever understand or appreciate the sacrifices we make for them until they have their own children. That is far off with your kids.

You simply need to find some time to play with your kids. If you do not your kids will suffer emotionally. It does not need to be a lot, just more than it is right now. Set aside some special time just for them.

When my now (almost) 10 year old was about 4, he asked me one day if I could sleep at his house that night so he could see me the next day. I was gone so much that my own kid didn't even think I lived with him. I was doing about 80 hours a week then, no shit, so his mom/the ex wife could stay at home with him (more because she refused to get a job).

Now I am divorced from his mom and spend as much time as possible with my 2 kids. I am with them almost every day I'm off, and I try not to work more than 4 days a week. Sometimes that doesn't work, but it's the exception now versus 5 years ago. I managed to be with them most or all of almost every week this summer.

When I dropped them off tonight their mom was complaining that she was having to drive too much and after next week she is "done for a while" in meeting me to drop them off. GDit.

Here listen to this, it will solve all your problems.

Okay, I'm being a dick, sometimes my f'ed up sense of humor takes over and I cannot help myself; this just seemed like the natural video to put into this thread!

Sorry guys, honestly.

It's a song about a guy who did not spend enough time with his son. As parents we've all been there, hell I quit a job over the amount of time I had to be away.

To add: I was typing this while Chongo was posting his understandable rant. There is no humor in your situation my friend.

quote:

Originally posted by Ronin1069:
Here listen to this, it will solve all your problems.

Okay, I'm being a dick, sometimes my f'ed up sense of humor takes over and I cannot help myself!

But this just seemed like the natural video to put into this thread!

Sorry guys, honestly.

It's a song about a guy who did not spend enough time with his son. As parents we've all been there, hell I quit a job over the amount of time I had to be away.

...

It is f'd up, it is a song about a dad who did NOT want to spend time with his son, even when he had time. That is not the problem here. Farmers go through seasons where they sleep in the damn barn and do not see the kids, I even go through times where I am gone a ton. This summer alone I have been gone almost six weeks.

ffemt44, You are a good dad and you desire to be with your kids and they clearly covet your time, hold them close, and be PRESENT in their lives and you guys will be fine.
A man can be in the house all day and not be present in his kids lives. your kids will understand that there are seasons when we must work to provide.

quote:

Originally posted by Ronin1069:
Here listen to this, it will solve all your problems.

Okay, I'm being a dick, sometimes my f'ed up sense of humor takes over and I cannot help myself; this just seemed like the natural video to put into this thread!

Sorry guys, honestly.

It's a song about a guy who did not spend enough time with his son. As parents we've all been there, hell I quit a job over the amount of time I had to be away.

To add: I was typing this while Chongo was posting his understandable rant. There is no humor in your situation my friend.

I actually know the song very well and it describes my relationship with my father growing up. He worked his tail off to support my brother and I and provide a very comfortable lifestyle. When he passed away all I wanted was more time with him.
I spend every moment I can when I'm home with my kids. My son is too young to articulate but when I walk in the door he runs up to me and gives me a huge hug. My daughter won't leave my side until she is asleep.
I love my kids to death. I just know I have to put at least 50 hours in at work to support my family during the busy season in order to make it through the winter and keep the bills paid. It sucks knowing you are doing your best but it doesn't seem like enough.

quote:

ffemt44

Here's the deal. Two-and-a-half-years-old.

At this point in the game you are all she knows as a playmate, and work is a inconvenience to her. The very fact that you are self aware enough to start this thread should tell you everything you need to know.
You're a good dad, and a good provider. When your wife tells you that you are gone too much, then you know you have a problem. I almost lost my marriage because I chose work over family, often. Fortunately my wife is significantly smarter than me and helped me get my priorities in order before it was too late.

Here is a suggestion that worked really well when I was traveling. Set up a 'play date' with your kids. A planned outing, video games together, a hockey game, whatever. Give them something to look forward to. Just never F up and have to cancel...you might get forgiven once, but not twice. I never once broke a planned event with my kids, never. It went into my appointment calendar like any other work event.

quote:

Originally posted by ffemt44:
How can I explain to a toddler that I need to work so we have a house and food etc.

You can't. Do the best you can to provide for them. Love them unconditionally. Give them all the time you can. If you do the best you can it will work out down the road.

For my son it was the Navy. Why did I have to go away again? It was not always a smooth road but as he got older he gained an understanding of how the world works. He is now 29 years old with 2 children and I could not be more proud of the man he has grown to be. We have a great relationship.

That you are upset about this tells me you will do well.

I'm not a parent yet, but I am a business owner and married to a lawyer (two extremely driven type a people), and a week ago I had a "Fuck it" moment. Texted the employees and said I wasn't going to be in, letting the lunatics run the asylum. Turned my phone off, I slept in (until 6:30 ), lounged for a bit, went shooting with my best friend, had beers after the range, made my wife an actual dinner.. it was incredible. Unless you're doing something like organ transport or surgery, the business will be fine for a day a month. I can only imagine how much better it'd be if I had kids (and I'm like you, I answer client calls on xmas even while sitting with family).

Take a day to devote entirely to doing stuff for you, turn your phone off, call your clients back tomorrow... they'll understand (unless you're the top brain surgeon or something), and if they don't, they're probably not great clients in the first place. You perform better with a good balance, I know I went in after my "mental health day" and fucking slayed it. I literally had my most productive day in months. I was happier, my wife was happier, I was nicer to the guys that work for me. Overall win, and I'll be doing it randomly once a month if/when I feel the need.

I felt the same way when my daughters were young. At one point I worked M-F,weekends did physical inventories at car dealerships and between all that was a paid on call firefighter. Literally one night after training I said enough and quit the paid on call and about six months later quit the inventories. All the while my wife worked in a mall store so her days off rotated constantly.

I've now retired, work part time three days a week. Trying to spend time with my grandson, another one on the way.

I like the concept of mental health days off, if I had that available I would probably still be working. This year enough was enough.

This reminds me of something I read a while back. notice how nobody says "working dad"? If the mother has a job she is always a "working mother" but nobody ever says that about the father. Fathers are really under-appreciated in this society.

I feel you man, I really do. When the kids were born I was traveling about 75%-85% of the time. And when I was not on the road I had plenty of paperwork and other crap around the house that had to be done.

It is hard. I missed my sons first steps and I missed a lot of stuff between now and then. I still travel sometimes and it tears me apart when my daughter doesn't want to let me go when I am leaving. But as the kids get older they begin to understand more and more.

Frankly she isn't going to remember this time anyway. It doesn't make it much better but I promise you when they get older they will understand more and more why you have to do the work you do. For us it meant my wife was able to stay home and both my kids are in honors classes and are at the top in even those classes. All of that is because my wife spent untold hours working with them from the day they were born. That would not be possible without my sacrifices.

you do what you know is best for the kid. That is why you are the parent

Good luck to you, and just know you have a lot of other working fathers who share your pain.

quote:

Originally posted by chongosuerte:
. . .When I dropped them off tonight their mom was complaining that she was having to drive too much and after next week she is "done for a while" in meeting me to drop them off. GDit.

Chongosuerte, the only advice I have for you is this: You have a divorce decree. Live by it. MAKE THE DECREE WORK FOR YOU.

Wishing the best for you,

quote:

Chongosuerte, the only advice I have for you is this: You have a divorce decree. Live by it. MAKE THE DECREE WORK FOR YOU.

This!

My dad dicked my mom around after their divorce and she did not have the will to keep going to the judge to get what was promised. I loved my dad, and miss him now, but he was not very good to my mom after the divorce and we as young kids had to pay for it.

My dad was a small businessman who worked 7-6 6 days a week, usually. He and my mom were active in the church. He was a Boy Scout leader. He was home every night. They went to PTA and teacher parent conferences, all band performances, plays, etc. and raised 4 children. The 4 kids have 8 degrees, each owns at least one home. All were married to someone of the opposite gender and all had children. AFAIK, none of us have ever been in jail. 2 lawyers, one CPA, 2 school teachers.

I imagine he would rather it have been easier, but he didn't complain. He was the youngest of 6 brothers with a younger sister, grew up in a house that seems unimaginably tiny today, in the depression, worked 3 jobs to get through college and graduated just in time to get in on the Pacific war games of the 1940's. He was 30 years old before he knew what we regard as "normal life" was. I don't think he took more than a week vacation from 1949 until sometime in the '80's.


They didn't complain, nor did his brothers, that I ever heard. They did what they had to do, like they always had. As far as I could tell, they were just happy to be here, alive, free, eating regularly if not secure.

They made up in intensity whatever they might have missed in clock hours.

When I was a Little League commissioner, some of the lawyers who had sons in the league were never managers or coaches, or even attended games regularly. That's telling.

quote:

Originally posted by Ronin1069:

quote:

Chongosuerte, the only advice I have for you is this: You have a divorce decree. Live by it. MAKE THE DECREE WORK FOR YOU.

This!

My dad dicked my mom around after their divorce and she did not have the will to keep going to the judge to get what was promised. I loved my dad, and miss him now, but he was not very good to my mom after the divorce and we as young kids had to pay for it.

The problem with the on-record agreement is it was written 5 years ago when she had moved 250 miles away and I was only getting them 48 hours every other weekend.

Now I've moved 60 miles from her, and I get them whenever I can, usually 3+ days a week.

I don't see a new agreement improving my lot.

quote:

Originally posted by Ronin1069:
Here listen to this, it will solve all your problems.

Okay, I'm being a dick, sometimes my f'ed up sense of humor takes over and I cannot help myself; this just seemed like the natural video to put into this thread!

Sorry guys, honestly.

It's a song about a guy who did not spend enough time with his son. As parents we've all been there, hell I quit a job over the amount of time I had to be away.

To add: I was typing this while Chongo was posting his understandable rant. There is no humor in your situation my friend.

[FLASH_VIDEO]<iframe frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/KUwjNBjqR-c" width="560"></iframe>[/FLASH_VIDEO]

Pretty much man, this song will mean a lot more, and fuck a lot more, with a father. I knew this song, but found it again after becoming a father and relating it to my relationship with my dad and what I hope I have with my 2 boys. I always felt like my dad could have spent more time with me, but now I know he was doing what's best for his career and ultimately us. The song really calls to pay attention "now" and put aside taking care of life as we expect. It calls for some down time just playing. You need what we adults consider wasted time. There's time I'll just sit and wrestle my 2 boys for like an hour straight, even just lying there as they jump on me. Sometimes mama bear gets caught up in adult stuff and wants me to stop and do something productive, but I think they need that time with us to just goof around or learn somehting. All I can really say is take the time now and be with them, it will be gone quick and never be the same. I've had plenty of 2 or 3 hour nights of sleep for my boys, or staying up 24 hours to spend Christmas with them. Doesn't have to be everyday, but make sure they get enough of you

You have to do what yo have to do.

During 2010-2013 I worked on the road, 10 days away four days at home. My son once drew a picture of his family at school (pre K or kindergarten) him, his Mom, and sister. When I asked where I was he pointed to an airplane on the top of the page and said I was in the plane.

Being a responsible adult sucks sometimes. During the lean times spend time with them. When they are older explain the seasonal financial issues.

quote:

During 2010-2013 I worked on the road, 10 days away four days at home. My son once drew a picture of his family at school (pre K or kindergarten) him, his Mom, and sister. When I asked where I was he pointed to an airplane on the top of the page and said I was in the plane.

Cripes Gator! Man kids can be brutally honest.

You have one shot with spending time with your Children. When they are teenagers they usually want nothing much to do with you. They are busy with their friends. When they grow up and get married or on their own you are lucky you get a card once or twice a year.

Have you considered downgrading your life style? Wife and I still have one home to rise. She is 16 going in to the 11 grade. I am 61 years old. We have not had a car payment in 14 years. All of our furniture was acquired used except the stove and refrigerator. Wife is a stay at home Mom and Wife. I could work more hours at work but I put in about 9.5 a day and 1.5 hours daily commute. That is enough.

We will have the nice things when they are gone and I retire and we move out of California. I have two 401Ks that should give us a decent life outside of California.

Enjoy them while you can it goes by fast. And you will never get a second chance.

When they are gone and on their own you and the wife can have the newer cars and decorate the house with nicer things.

I never understood why people have great new nice furniture in the living room that never or seldom gets used. Have the older stuff and the kids can eat popcorn and snacks during the movies.