Below is a long rant/telling of the last 9 months of my life.

As long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be a gan…, wait, that’s from Goodfellas.

As long as can remember, I’ve suffered from depression. For the most part it has never affected my work and I was able to hide it until this year in March.

After almost three years of being a Sergeant with a police department, I had finally reached a point where I could no longer afford to deal with the stress of the job. I never had any problems being a police officer but, taking responsibility for other people who refused to do so themselves was just too much. So, in an effort to relieve the stress, I asked for a demotion.

This created quite the shit storm within the department since no one else had ever done it. After about two months of waiting, I was informed that I would get the demotion, but it would mean moving to Houston. To clarify, I worked for a University police department and was working at an off site facility about 2.5 hours from the main campus.

Once I found out that I would have to be moving to Houston, my day and life went into complete free-fall. I do not have the best relationship with my family and a move to Houston would mean moving into my house that my parents where renting at the time. Being the good son, there was no way I would ask them to move out, I would just have to live with them.

So, I began packing my stuff, dropping things off to Goodwill, all but broke up with my girlfriend that evening. As I was starting to go to bed I felt worse and worse to the point that I came the closest I ever have to killing myself. Now, I have hoped for death on a daily basis at least since high school and contemplated the notion of suicide almost weekly, but never have I been so close as I was that night.

I recognized the problem, called the girlfriend and let her know what was going on, and that I was going to the hospital. She of course called a co-worker who said he would meet me at the ER. At this point I was feeling slightly better, but I also knew I would not be heading home for a few days. At one time in my career with this university, I worked at a hospital with a psychiatric ward and I had completed commitment forms on many patients. I knew that if I were honest with the doctors, they’d want me to be committed.

I arrived at the ER around 10 pm and was quickly moved to a locked psych facility for evaluation. I agreed with the doctor to take a voluntary commitment and to stay in the hospital. I sat in that holding area until 7 am the next day with a sense of overwhelming dread and regret for having gone to the hospital. All I could think about was how this was going to affect my career and how I was about to flush away 17 years of law enforcement. Oh how right I was.

About 5 am I decided I would notify my Lieutenant that I was being admitted to a hospital and may not be into work on my next scheduled day, two days later. Now, he and I are friends and hang out on occasion, but I was unsure of how much I should tell him. I knew that outright telling him, “I’m crazy and getting committed!” would be bad. He asked me, “What’s wrong? What hospital?” To which I replied, “Is this on or off the record?” I should have stopped there, but I obviously wasn’t thinking too clearly and was getting more and more frustrated. His reply was, “It depends.” This was the point I definitely should have shut up.

I told him the name of the hospital, which anyone how’d been through the Mental Health Officer training would recognize as a local psych facility. I then told him what I was there for. He then stated, “Do you mind if I tell the chain of command? Realize I may ignore your wishes and tell them anyway.” By this point I was just angry and replied that I didn’t give a shit what he did.

So, I dropped off of everyone’s radar for a few days as I had no cellphone and only a couple phone numbers I’d had time to write down with me. I got on some meds, got lots of sleep and avoided “Group” as much as possible. With the exception of the bathroom with no door, no TV and no good books, it was like a little vacation. Although, one where you cry allot telling a stranger all the fucked up shit in your head and life.

After a few days I was advised I would need to start making arrangements to go home. The psychiatrist wanted to speak with my “Support System” to make sure I didn’t have access to any of my firearms. So, I called one of the numbers I had brought with me. Thus unleashing the knowledge of what a shit storm I had created. I was advised to call my Lieutenant and my family so that I could up to date and that my job was safe.

I called my Lt. first, since I got him number from a co-worker. He let me know that my sister had been bugging the shit out of him looking for me and that my family had come up to the hospital but had been turned away since I hadn’t given them a visitor’s code. He also advised me that as far as the department was concerned, I would be on administrative leave pending an investigation and an evaluation by the department psychologist.

I went home and spent a month sitting around the house. I was not to be anywhere other than at home during my work hours and had to call the Lt. everyday. This wasn’t too bad since I worked night s and only had to be home from 9 pm to 8 am. Thus my days were free for whatever. Without internet at home, these were long boring days with only my cell phone for entertainment.

I met with the department psychologist during the fourth week of my paid vacation. Technically this woman didn’t work for the department, she was the former HPD psychologist and now worked independently. She had me take a few tests and we had a long conversation. This initial visit was about 5 hours. At the end, she advised me that, she would not return me to duty and that if she had been involved in my initial hiring, she would not have allowed me to be a LEO.

Needless to say, this left me feeling like I was fucked. She left me saying that there was a chance that she would return me to duty pending therapy and a reevaluation in the future. I of course felt that, if she wouldn’t have allowed me to be a police officer, how could she ever agree to let me go back to it? I went on FMLA for the next three months.

After three months of working around the house, clearing brush, mowing fields, and painting, I had my second evaluation. This next appointment was supposed to last another 5 hours and involve more tests and a conversation. I completed the tests in 20 minutes and was out the door in under an hour. Don’t think it went well. This time the doctor did not tell me what her recommendation would be but that she’d let me know in a few days. The Harvey arrived.

The doctor’s recommendation was due on a Thursday and hurricane Harvey arrived just in time that it didn’t arrive for a few more weeks. In the interim, my Lt. and I discussed all the possible outcomes and he passed on the things he had heard from some of the assistant chiefs in the department. These things all seemed positive and allowed for the idea that even if I couldn’t be an officer, “There is a place for you in the department.”

So, in the end of September, I was on light duty working as an admin, mostly writing policies, when the Lt. came in and told me the Asst. Chief and the department’s lawyer would be at our campus the next day. This was not going to be good news. We discussed it and it was clear that the lawyer wouldn’t be coming if they weren’t gong to fire me.

The next morning, the Asst. Chief and lawyer arrived and had a meeting with my Lt. for about 30 minutes, they also were followed by an officer from the Threat Management Team. They called me in, and the Asst. Chief basically read verbatim the letter from the Chief firing me due to inability to meet the job requirements. He looked at me, asked if I had any questions and then said, “Good luck.”

I was walked back to the office stripped of my IDs and escorted to my car.

So, now I am working a job as a security job at 1/3rd of my previous income, have lost my insurance, cashed out my IRA, and am hoping to get access to my retirement via a medical disability.

I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to read this. After this long it is nice to be able to say it all in one big piece as I move forward.

I read it. Good for you for doing what you needed to do for your health. That could not have been easy.

This was a very hard post to read. I sincerely hope that things come together for you. You made some very tough decisions and I think that you will eventually be rewarded for them.

I too read your post chad.

I am sorry for all your struggles and hope you can get back on your financially soon.

I’m sure it feels like your world is crashing down right now, but ridding yourself of the stress will be worth it in the end. The higher pay is not worth the health problems and anxiety. If you would’ve stayed at that job, I GUARANTEE you would’ve had a major medical situation at some point in the future.

One foot in front of the other and before you know it, this will be just a speed bump in the rear view.

I don't know anything about the legalities of any of what happened at your job, but it seems to me that you have a type of disability. Doesn't federal law require that they "accomodate" employees with disabilities? It doesn't sound like they did that.

You're in my prayers.

I wish all the best for you.

I read it as well - while a painful experience, I believe you made the right decision for your health / life.

Chad
I read the whole thing. Sometimes life becomes overwhelming. Especially these days when there is more input than many can process.

You have to keep on keeping on. It will only get better. It was quite courageous to, mostly, admit all of this to yourself.

I will be thinking about you.

This pisses me off beyond comprehension.

I have stood by two friends that went through this. The department shit on both of them. One was in two shootings in a year, lost it in my arms after almost being in a third a few months later. Never worked another day. The other lost a 27 year career.

The department wants you to bend over backwards for it, work 60 hours a week, change your schedule at the drop of a hat, work holidays, family be damned...but when you need help, they show you how important you really are.

Godspeed, Sir. You will overcome. It is a shame,and I truly hate it for you. But you will find something better. Better pay, and better environment. Talk with an employment attorney that understands the state's system.

Heartbreaking to read this.... Sorry, brother.

Often when one door slams shut, another opens. Make the most of that door.

Being at peace with yourself is worth more than money. God be with you.

I am sorry you are going through this, all of this is outside my realm of knowledge so I can't offer more than a prayer.

Hopefully in the end this will lead to something better for you both on the employment front and the mental health front.

I also read it all. Best of luck to you.

Damn. I read it expecting a ending where you kept your job, but looks like you have a better ending where you keep your life.

It's good to know where your limit is and what to do when you reach it. You didn't loose this round nor did the house win. Keep your head up you've got good friends around.

I read the entire post.

It was tough but you had to do it. You'll find somewhere to work. Your health is more important than a job, even if you had 17 years in.

I'm sure pride had something to do with it. I'm sure LE is a culture where you think you can do anything, that no weight on your shoulders is too much. It's like that in the military.

Being the bigger, wiser person means knowing when to walk away. On a lesser extent, I resigned from my OIC position at my reserve unit. With a family (wife, 2 year old and 2 dogs), work and MBA program, it was too much for me. I was in a situation where the reserves wanted a full time commitment for 2 days of pay. I found myself pissed every day I got a text from that asshole commander who had no life. It got to the point where I said I can't do it anymore. Told the XO I resign and that's it.

Much simpler than your situation, though.

I read it too, brother.

Whether your department could find the role/place for you or not-- or chose to, or not-- the LE field is a big one, and there IS a role for you and your skillset if that's what you want. Give it, and yourself, a little time. Take care of you first. You've still got "family" behind you.

quote:

Originally posted by chongosuerte:
...Talk with an employment attorney that understands the state's system.

I know you feel shattered and shaken right now, but chongo's advice is good. Take it ASAP.

Here's hoping that you are, right now, experiencing the worst thing ever to happen in your life, and that everything from now-on is up-hill.

You can tell from the volume and tone of all the responses that you have a support group here to count on. Somebody will be around to talk to nearly any hour of the day or night.

Prayers for you and for things to turn in your favor.

I read your post, and understand and sympathize. Hang in there sir.