From the Babylon Bee:

BENTONVILLE, AR—In a bold move intended to curb the thousands of deaths from vehicles each and every day, Walmart has decided to stop selling auto parts, sources confirmed Tuesday.

According to shocking reports, people have purchased car parts at Walmart and then those cars have been involved in accidents, proving a direct correlation between selling auto parts and causing deaths.

"We can no longer be complicit in an industry that kills over 3,000 people a day," said a spokesperson for Walmart. "Every time we sell a muffler, steering wheel cover, or flame decal, we are potentially causing the death of a person, and we cannot support that any longer."

"It's clear that bad drivers and poor road conditions don't cause vehicular deaths---cars do."

Walmart executives said they are beating themselves with a stick to atone for the deaths they've already caused.

"Our consciences will only be clean when we've been mercilessly beaten once for each of the millions of deaths that have been caused by automobiles since Walmart began selling auto parts," said one executive before solemnly beginning to beat himself with a baseball bat.


Link

I love the Babylon Bee. They seem to hit home runs every day.

I hear they're discontinuing hard toilet paper, to prevent unnecessary hemorrhoids.

Also anything with sugar, to prevent cavities and hyperactivity in children.

No more cat food. They scratch.

Car batteries are out. Too much acid.

Antacid is out. It's a choking hazard.

Wooden spoons and hairbrushes are out. Let a dominatrix get hold of one, and it's bruises all around.

Marbles. Good god. A slip hazard.

Fish. Bones

Knives, because they're shiny and could blind a driver on the way home from walmart.

Copy paper. Cuts. Really painful cuts.

Salt. It's deadly to snails.

Fortunately they still sell red bull.

Don't forget a cease of Walmart Pharmacy prescriptions sales. Drug overuse kill how many people each year?

quote:

Originally posted by sns3guppy:

Fortunately they still sell red bull .

Nope. Gives you wings. Danger of crashing.

They are also asking to not shop in your PJs
https://babylonbee.com/news/wa...ates-where-its-legal

quote:

Originally posted by Sig2340:

quote:

Originally posted by sns3guppy:

Fortunately they still sell red bull .

Nope. Gives you wings. Danger of crashing.

A smoking hole in the ground is a small price to pay for a cool photograph.

Did the former CEO of SEARS get a job at Walmart??????

I was just thinking the other day how many traffic accident related injuries we could prevent by stopping the sales of Toyota Camrys. I'd bet there are thousands of collisions a year committed with those vile things...especially the beige ones.

- Bret

Interesting that walmart won't sell ammunition that could be used in short barreled rifles, but isn't doing a thing about short barrels.

Not only can a short barrel not hold as much as a long barrel, but those attempting a trip over Niagra Falls in one might stand to get hurt even worse. Especially if they're not a short person.

Reference to rifles as short-barreled shows some degree of prejudice. Hence, they should be referred to as length-challenged.

quote:

Originally posted by jimmy123x:
Did the former CEO of SEARS get a job at Walmart??????

Yeah, he's standing at the front door asking to see your receipt.

That is funny, but not really when you think about it. Very sad and they will not stop there.

Honestly though, If they just closed down there tire and oil change center....

Lots of good humor in this thread - thanks for posting it Mr. Shugart!