quote:

Originally posted by P220 Smudge:
No. If that’s your take what’s going on here, you’re beyond mistaken. I take your comments directed at me. If you think you’re standing up for a poor addict being picked on, I’d like to invite you to consider that it’s an addict who’s been that far down the road with much the same health issues who’s doing it. If you aren’t, and you haven’t been, then it’s noble to try to step between us if you think that’s what you see, but foolish.

I’d rather not confuse what’s going on here: Alzheimer’s has nothing to do with what’s going on in this thread, and addiction has nothing to do with choice. Some cannot get sober. It may be the case that rh is one of them. However, there’s people reading this thread who desperately need to, and have never uttered a peep about it on this forum. They may not even be registered forum members, and they may not read this for months or years. At this point, I’m not longer challenging rh, I’m challenging them. Rh will probably have to die from this, and that may be a foregone conclusion already. If so, you can choose to comfort him and that’s your right. Having been saved from exactly what he’s going to die from by what I can only call God’s grace, I need to, have to call out the warped thinking, the addiction speaking through his keyboard at every turn. If it saves one quiet, anonymous reader’s life to see two sides of the same coin having a discussion here, then I am obliged to do that. Because some did that for me, and if they hadn’t, my wife would be a widow, and my son would grow up with a broken heart, wondering why his father didn’t love him enough to get clean and actually be present with him for once in his life and stay for a while. The odds of someone else having that same struggle, reading these words now, they’re greater than you can imagine.

So no, I will continue arguing with them with rh as their proxy until he’s had enough, or Para tells me we’re done here.

Not directed at you. I'm sorry if it seemed that way. I have a pretty good sense of what he's going through, and what you
went through. I hope rh gets well, and I'm glad you overcame yours. I'll leave it at that.

Fair enough.

quote:

Originally posted by GT-40DOC:

quote:

Originally posted by bronicabill:

On a side note, I got a great night's sleep withOUT any help from alcohol! I'm now 3 days sober and it feels great. And the best part is that I don't even want any; no cravings, no nothing!!!

This ^^^^^^ is fantastic!! NOW you have started, and please don't stop. If you really want to stop.....then you can. If you need help, then get it, but don't give in to the alcohol. It is not an answer for you.

Now 4 days sober, and I DO really want to quit!

Didn't sleep quite as well last night and the thought of a drink came to mind, but I quickly put it out by more pleasant thoughts and made it just fine!

Thanks for all of the support here!!!

I have been reading this thread. I haven't talked much about my experience. I stopped drinking in 2019. I drank every-single-day. I figured I was good because I only drank beer, very rarely hard liquor.

I was hung over almost everyday. I look back and realize that I started drinking like I did to get to sleep. Then, I was buying two 30 packs every other day. I was only sober for work. As soon as I'd get home, I'd crack a beer or two. I'd drink until I passed out, typically. I also realized that I was forgetting movies I had watched or things my kids had done. I knew that I was drinking too much and late at night sitting on the couch, while drinking, I'd tell myself that I needed to stop but the truth of the matter was I didn't know how. That scared me but I kept drinking.

Everything I did was based around drinking beer. Weekends, nights and days off, holidays. Before I knew it, I had been doing that for years. I worried that I was still drunk from the night before, in the mornings. But, I just figured it would work itself out. I had a few times where I'd throw up in my bathroom from drinking too many. I'd send buddies late night drunk texts and then either not know what I had sent or regret it the next day.

My wife sat me down and told me that it was her and the kids or the alcohol. The choice was easy. I, of course, chose my family. I was so mad at her at first for making me choose. I was selfish and had been for a long time. After our talk we went on a vacation my wife had won through her job. We didn't drink a drop on that trip. That was unlike any trip we had ever taken. You see, she drank with me most of the time. Until a few months just before this she kept up with me. Then, I had noticed she had slowed her drinking down quite a bit. We had to change a lot of things. Where we went, who we went with, who we hung out with. It's better now.

Anyway, here I am. I don't miss the feeling like complete shit every morning. The money we save is great instead of literally pissing it away.

I have gone out of town on work trips at least every year and I have had a few beers on those trips. But, nothing like I had in the past. I've had no problem only drinking a few on those trips and stopping and then not drinking at all when I get home.

While I am ashamed of my past drinking I cannot help but be proud of myself. I am more proud of my wife for having the courage to lay it out for me and sticking to her guns. After our talk, we haven't had a drop of alcohol in the house. We have since built a new house. The kids are getting older and I remember everything! I am no longer too tired and hungover to play outside with my son. I wake early and go to bed early normally.

Somehow, I was able to beat it. I know others are not so fortunate. If I hadn't of been able to come out of that I would have had to of gone to some sort of treatment, if I hadn't of died first. I know this battle has raged for people for years before me and will long after me. I consider myself one of the lucky ones. Alcohol is a helluva drug.

quote:

Originally posted by BennerP220:
<<snip>> I look back and realize that I started drinking like I did to get to sleep. <<snip>>

I'd send buddies late night drunk texts and then either not know what I had sent or regret it the next day.

<<snip>>

I used to drink a little just for the taste, especially beer. I freakin' love a good, cold Heinekin or similar! But like you, I then started hitting it harder and harder as a way to get some sleep, until it became a daily thing for me.

Regarding the late night texts; been there, done that. Especially bad was buying stuff online (usually Amazon) and completely forgetting about it... some of the stuff rather expensive that I then had to return. Posting on social media some things that I would never post in a sober mind. Heck, I even posted on here while drunk and damned near got myself kicked off by the boss! Regarding the financial costs... on average I was drinking $300.00 worth of bourbon per month on a $1,500.00 monthly income. That hurts!

So glad to hear you kicked it, and I am determined to do so also!

I forgot about my drunk late night purchases! I did that, too. I think I was around $400 a month for my beer purchases, too. If I still did that I couldn't have built my house or bought my new (to me) truck!

The only time I truly miss an ice cold beer is right after I mow. Now, I grab my sunflower seeds and an ice cold Coke and sit and admire my work.

Thank you, Bill. I have faith that you will kick this, like I did and will find that life is so much better. If I can be of any assistance, please don't hesitate to let me know. I know you have support but it's nice to have options.

quote:

Originally posted by bronicabill:

quote:

Originally posted by BennerP220:
<<snip>> I look back and realize that I started drinking like I did to get to sleep. <<snip>>

I'd send buddies late night drunk texts and then either not know what I had sent or regret it the next day.

<<snip>>

I used to drink a little just for the taste, especially beer. I freakin' love a good, cold Heinekin or similar! But like you, I then started hitting it harder and harder as a way to get some sleep, until it became a daily thing for me.

Regarding the late night texts; been there, done that. Especially bad was buying stuff online (usually Amazon) and completely forgetting about it... some of the stuff rather expensive that I then had to return. Posting on social media some things that I would never post in a sober mind. Heck, I even posted on here while drunk and damned near got myself kicked off by the boss! Regarding the financial costs... on average I was drinking $300.00 worth of bourbon per month on a $1,500.00 monthly income. That hurts!

So glad to hear you kicked it, and I am determined to do so also!

quote:

Originally posted by P220 Smudge:
No. If that’s your take what’s going on here, you’re beyond mistaken. I take your comments directed at me. If you think you’re standing up for a poor addict being picked on, I’d like to invite you to consider that it’s an addict who’s been that far down the road with much the same health issues who’s doing it. If you aren’t, and you haven’t been, then it’s noble to try to step between us if you think that’s what you see, but foolish.

I’d rather not confuse what’s going on here: Alzheimer’s has nothing to do with what’s going on in this thread, and addiction has nothing to do with choice. Some cannot get sober. It may be the case that rh is one of them. However, there’s people reading this thread who desperately need to, and have never uttered a peep about it on this forum. They may not even be registered forum members, and they may not read this for months or years. At this point, I’m not longer challenging rh, I’m challenging them. Rh will probably have to die from this, and that may be a foregone conclusion already. If so, you can choose to comfort him and that’s your right. Having been saved from exactly what he’s going to die from by what I can only call God’s grace, I need to, have to call out the warped thinking, the addiction speaking through his keyboard at every turn. If it saves one quiet, anonymous reader’s life to see two sides of the same coin having a discussion here, then I am obliged to do that. Because some did that for me, and if they hadn’t, my wife would be a widow, and my son would grow up with a broken heart, wondering why his father didn’t love him enough to get clean and actually be present with him for once in his life and stay for a while. The odds of someone else having that same struggle, reading these words now, they’re greater than you can imagine.

So no, I will continue arguing with them with rh as their proxy until he’s had enough, or Para tells me we’re done here.

This thread has given me a lot to think about. At a critical time.

It is very enlightening reading of others experiences with the texting, purchasing while drunk. The blank spots in memory. Waking up with that feeling of dread wondering what I fucked up the night before.

Thank you all for sharing and keeping this thread running and thanks Para for letting this continue.

Best wishes to all those out there struggling. And rh, you may not even realize it but it appears you have helped people by starting this.

quote:

Originally posted by highroundcount:
<<snip>> The blank spots in memory. <<snip>>

Yeah, that's another thing I forgot to mention; how many times did I sit down to watch something on Netflix with my wife and see all these shows listed as "previously watched", or I'd be partway through a series and have no recollection of it? Quite often I'd have to back up and rewatch an episode or three for it to come back to me!

So, I think it's important to put some qualifiers on this thing. You can be a problem drinker without necessarily being an alcoholic. Here are some passages from the basic text nearly all recovery programs and literature come from, formed in 1935, and the first edition published in 1939. Many complain the language feels dated, but the concepts and message have not changed because they got it right the first time. Some antiquated terms and their translations: "tight" means drunk and "nervousness" or "nerves" is referring to a hangover and the shakes.

Here are some simple ideas about what an alcoholic actually is, starting on page 20 in the book. Some have replied on this page of the thread who do not meet these qualifications. If you can drink one beer and put it down, you're not like me. I can't have one. "A man takes a drink. A drink takes a drink. A drink takes a man." I've heard that quote attributed to various people and cultures, but essentially, once I take a drink, I have an abnormal reaction (read the dictionary definition for the word "allergy") to it in that my brain says "we need that to survive, consume all that you can" and that's that. It's like trying not to breathe after that point: you can fight it all you want, you cannot stop.

quote:

Moderate drinkers have little trouble in giving up liquor entirely if they have good reason for it. They can take it or leave it alone.

Then we have a certain type of hard drinker. He may have the habit badly enough to gradually impair him physically and mentally. It may cause him to die a few years before his time. If a sufficiently strong reason — ill health, falling in love, change of environment, or the warning of a doctor — becomes operative, this man can also stop or moderate, although he may find it difficult and troublesome and may even need medical attention.

But what about the real alcoholic? He may start off as a moderate drinker; he may or may not become a continuous hard drinker; but at some stage of his drinking career he begins to lose all control of his liquor consumption, once he starts to drink. Here is the fellow who has been puzzling you, especially in his lack of control. He does absurd, incredible, tragic things while drinking. He is a real Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He is seldom mildly intoxicated. He is always more or less insanely drunk. His disposition while drinking resembles his normal nature but little. He may be one of the finest fellows in the world. Yet let him drink for a day, and he frequently becomes disgustingly, and even dangerously anti-social. He has a positive genius for getting tight at exactly the wrong moment, particularly when some important decision must be made or engagement kept. He is often perfectly sensible and well balanced concerning everything except liquor, but in that respect he is incredibly dishonest and selfish. He often possesses special abilities, skills, and aptitudes, and has a promising career ahead of him. He uses his gifts to build up a bright outlook for his family and himself, and then pulls the structure down on his head by a senseless series of sprees. He is the fellow who goes to bed so intoxicated he ought to sleep the clock around. Yet early next morning he searches madly for the bottle he misplaced the night before. If he can afford it, he may have liquor concealed all over his house to be certain no one gets his entire supply away from him to throw down the wastepipe. As matters grow worse, he begins to use a combination of high-powered sedative and liquor to quiet his nerves so he can go to work. Then comes the day when he simply cannot make it and gets drunk all over again. Perhaps he goes to a doctor who gives him morphine or some sedative with which to taper off. Then he begins to appear at hospitals and sanitariums.

Now here beginning on page 108 in the chapter titled "To Wives":

quote:

The problem with which you struggle usually falls within one of four categories:

One: Your husband may be only a heavy drinker. His drinking may be constant or it may be heavy only on certain occasions. Perhaps he spends too much money for liquor. It may be slowing him up mentally and physically, but he does not see it. Sometimes he is a source of embarrassment to you and his friends. He is positive he can handle his liquor, that it does him no harm, that drinking is necessary in his business. He would probably be insulted if he were called an alcoholic. This world is full of people like him. Some will moderate or stop altogether, and some will not. Of those who keep on, a good number will become true alcoholics after a while.

Two: Your husband is showing lack of control, for he is unable to stay on the water wagon even when he wants to. He often gets entirely out of hand when drinking. He admits this is true, but is positive that he will do better. He has begun to try, with or without your cooperation, various means of moderating or staying dry. Maybe he is beginning to lose his friends. His business may suffer somewhat. He is worried at times, and is becoming aware that he cannot drink like other people. He sometimes drinks in the morning and through the day also, to hold his nervousness in check. He is remorseful after serious drinking bouts and tells you he wants to stop. But when he gets over the spree, he begins to think once more how he can drink moderately next time. We think this person is in danger. These are the earmarks of a real alcoholic. Perhaps he can still tend to business fairly well. He has by no means ruined everything. As we say among ourselves, “He wants to want to stop.”

Three: This husband has gone much further than husband number two. Though once like number two, he became worse. His friends have slipped away, his home is a near-wreck and he cannot hold a position. Maybe the doctor has been called in, and the weary round of sanitariums and hospitals has begun. He admits he cannot drink like other people, but does not see why. He clings to the notion that he will yet find a way to do so. He may have come to the point where he desperately wants to stop but cannot. His case presents additional questions which we shall try to answer for you. You can be quite hopeful of a situation like this.

Four: You may have a husband of whom you completely despair. He has been placed in one institution after another. He is violent, or appears definitely insane when drunk. Sometimes he drinks on the way home from the hospital. Perhaps he has had delirium tremens. Doctors may shake their heads and advise you to have him committed. Maybe you have already been obliged to put him away. This picture may not be as dark as it looks. Many of our husbands were just as far gone. Yet they got well.

It goes on, but if you drink, you can generally find yourself in one of those four categories. I was all of three and most of four. I never had a stay in an institution, but I was finding my way into the ER with increasing frequency. I was a long time in category one, then a long time in category two. From there, it was a very quick progression. In the first passage, it qualifies what a "real alcoholic" is, and that was me. All of it, swapping "high-powered sedatives" for lots of "medical grade" weed. Some of you saw this behavior here on the forum. In some AA meetings, people will sneer if you introduce yourself as a "real alcoholic," but the book plainly says what that is. Some people will also say "I can't say someone else is an alcoholic, everyone has to determine that for themselves" which is also some horseshit, because again, the book plainly describes what a real alcoholic is.

If you were a problem drinker, or were type 1 flirting with type 2, or type 2 and managed to put the bottle down on your own, I congratulate you and wish I could have done the same. I will say that absent the other things described in categories three and four, or a lot of the behaviors in the prior passage, you probably won't understand what it was like to be me, or RH, or others in this thread who've chimed in. You may have the idea that you put it down and it was easy enough and that it should be so easy for others who don't. You may think it's a matter of motivation, willpower, integrity, strength, whatever you want to call it. I can heartily assure it is not so. I had amazing motivation and willpower: I stayed drunk 24/7 and managed to go through life without getting arrested or killing anyone. That wasn't by accident, it was because I wanted to, had to, and I put ridiculous effort and went to lengths nobody but an addict would go to in order to do so.

Don't take any of this to mean that you shouldn't seek help if you're not as far gone as I was. If you can't quit, you can't quit. There's no shame in that, the medical community agrees that however you want to define it, it's fucked up wiring in the brain that we shorthand to "disease" and it's not a decision or a moral failing or any of the shit some people in this very thread have tried to make it about. You didn't wake up and decide to be an alcoholic, and if you are one, it's completely unrelated to however you think or feel about the matter. Period. So there's no shame in going to get some help for it.

Once you stop drinking, you have to work on the reasons you'd ever pick up a bottle or a pipe or a syringe again in the first place. My program says there's character flaws that affect the way we deal with humanity and ourselves that make us so uncomfortable in our own skin, in our very being, that we have to seek an external solution. I have used the terms "alcoholic" and "addict" interchangeably in this thread. Make no mistake: I'm not drinking, and I've worked the steps, but I'm growing spiritually and emotionally on a daily basis. I did none of that for nearly the whole first year after quitting drinking, because I decided I still loved weed. This is an external solution to a problem between my ears, and all it does it turn the volume on life down to a comfortable level. Forget weed and booze, I've used books, movies, music, food, sugar, sex, exercise, ad nauseum to push the button. Anything that gives me that endorphine hit, I'm not going to do it a little, I'm doing to do it a lot. Oreos? I can't eat them because I'll eat the whole fucking package. Books? I stay up until five in the morning and still won't put it down. Sex? Let's not even get into that.

The point is, I was walking around for most of a year after rehab going to meetings every day, but not really getting any better. I was even having debates with myself about whether it was really that bad and maybe I could have a beer here and there once in a while. I got my diagnosis, and got the gift of desperation back in an instant. I got a real sponsor and worked the steps thoroughly, and with a quickness as if my very life depended on me doing so... because it did. I was still crazy as a shithouse rat long after I quit drinking because I had given up my solution and not yet replaced it with true skills to cope with the agony of mere existence. So if you're a true alcoholic, and you've managed to put the bottle down, but you're not working on yourself, and you find yourself restless, irritable, and discontent, there's a program that will help you live with you. It's not a cult, you don't have to believe in God. I know atheists who do this. Really, we just want to share with you what worked for us, so you don't have to be that itchy, crispy critter we call "dry drunk." My father was a dry drunk for many years, and it was worse than when we was drinking up until the last stages.

Look, as I type this out, it looks like a novel. If you read through this and you see things that are eerily familiar, get yourself to a meeting. I never fit in anywhere, not even AA. Not until I actually worked the steps and started to become a human being. You can have that, too. I promise.

The best definition of an alcoholic is someone who drinks more than you do.{That usually gets a laugh}.

Thank you P220smudge.

I wasn’t gonna go there in this thread, but I sincerely appreciate your sharing your experience strength and hope.

Reminds me of the old joke:
~~~
What happens when you take an alcoholic horse thief and dry them out? You end up with a sober horse thief.

For anybody that really wants to deal with this demon (and you’re wishing to try AA), strongly suggest to get a big book and a sponsor. Most likely place to find a sponsor is a meeting.

Heck,on average I was drinking $300.00 worth of bourbon per month on a $1,500.00 monthly income. That hurts!

Shit, I've been spending probably 7 to 8 hundred per month on bourbon. And I've been unemployed for the
last three months. I paced the floor for hours contemplating on weather or not to post again in this thread.
The only other vice I've had in my life was smoking, I gave that up cold turkey 22 years ago. Alcohol is a
different demon. This thread has opened my eyes. I congratulate Bill and Brenner, I hope you make it.
I have read all of Smudges posts and agree with all of it. I've not hit rock bottom. But I need to change.
When I quit, I'm afraid I won't sleep for three or four days. Any advice on how to sleep?

That may not happen. Be sure to not take ANY drugs for sleep. You can certainly check into a detox program if you are concerned. Not sleeping is unpleasant but not terminal.
Alcohol knocks you out but does not provide a refreshing sleep. It depresses REM sleep which is essential. Good luck. Go to an AA meeting. They will have tons of suggestions on sleep.

Schmelby, you have email at the address in your profile.

So here it goes. I have never been very open about my drinking and smoking (marijuana) issues.

I’m sure many of you remember me talking in various threads about being an alcoholic. I would quit, start again, quit, start again. As Ed said in the post about one of four categories, I was a 1, for a long time. Then I graduated to 2. I never saw it as an issue as I was a “high functioning alcoholic”. That’s just a horseshit term to say, I’m a shitfaced alcoholic that can sober up long enough to be really good at my job, then get off work and start it all over again.
Well one night, I was pretty drunk. I really thought about ending my life. I thought about it enough that I actually took a handgun out of the safe. Fortunately I was smart enough to drop the mag and rack the round out of the chamber and put that shit back in the safe. The next day, I quit drinking. Now this story seems short and sweet, like a fairy tale, unless you lived it. Unless you were my wife who was embarrassed more times than I can count. Having a husband by title, but who wasn’t there mentally as I was too drunk to do much. I owe this woman so much as she was always there to prop me up, and had my back no matter what.

Fast forward a while and wow, how cool, marijuana is now legal.

Here’s a little back story. I was a stoner. Way back from when I was in my early 20’s until I met my wife, I smoked non stop. There wasn’t much in life I liked more. But in 2004, I quit and told myself I would never smoke again.
The reason I don’t like to smoke pot, is what it does to me. It works as a stimulant to me. I get really baked, but I can function. I get creative, I build shit, I get projects done. I also lose weight, and not a little. Like it makes me really skinny. I also lose the ability to control my emotions. Specifically anger. I have a tendency to get very angry over the smallest shit. The memory loss is terrible too. I can’t remember shit when I smoke.
So getting the story back on track, weed is legal. Woo hoo! Maybe just an edible at night so I can sleep. My Lord, did I sleep. Like so well I can’t describe. Back pain issues are a thing of the past. I was sleeping 8 hours a night. Well after a while I wasn’t sleeping as well. I didn’t want to smoke again as that would be unhealthy. But vaping… that’s not unhealthy. So I bought a cartridge of some live resin (super potent THC extract with turpines that make it taste like really killer weed.)

A couple puffs and I was sleeping like a baby again. Then it turned into a couple puffs after work, then after dinner, then before bed, then in the middle of the night when I took a piss. Over the course of six months, that couple puffs turned to 20 hefty rips just to catch a buzz. What used to cost a couple bucks a week, had turned into $200+ a week and I was retard stoned all the time. Literally smoking three or four times when I should have been sleeping. It was great. I loved smoking more than sex. Seriously, there was nothing I loved more than smoking weed, and specifically live resin. Smoke in the morning, all evening, all night, fall asleep, wake up and smoke, wash, rinse, repeat, just add more smoke.
When I started smoking again, I was pushing 180 lbs at 5’10”. Mostly muscle, but a little chubby from lots of BBQ. Six months later, I was 144 lbs. All the fat was gone. I didn’t look healthy. I looked pretty fucking shitty actually, but hey, I was stoned and happy. I was also a tremendous asshole, incapable of remembering much, frustrated by that, and quick to lash out for no good reason. Each day I would tell myself to cut back. That turned into “Joe’s Crab Shack”, free crab tomorrow. I’ll cut back tomorrow. Time to have some surgery. Tell the doctor I don’t want pain meds, I have my cartridges. It was just an excuse to smoke more, and more I smoked.
Through all this, my wife stood by me. (She doesn’t smoke or drink)
So one Saturday I am cooking a pretty crazy extensive dinner for my wife and stepdaughter. So why not have a glass or two of wine. Mind you, since I started smoking again, I didn’t really care for alcohol. Whiskey was always my go to drink, and I won’t ever be having that again, but wine seemed fine. By the time dinner was done, so was a whole bottle of wine. We ate dinner and I had a couple more glasses of wine. All the while I was ripping big heaters off the vape, pretty much all the time. Dinner was great, everyone enjoyed it. Daughter went home and my wife didn’t want to hang out with me because I was drunk. I’m a pretty happy drunk most of the time, but I’m obnoxious and loud. So she said she didn’t want to hang out and I should go watch TV in the bedroom. So I did…
I turn on the TV and it’s the YouTube screen with my wife logged in. A bunch of Christian videos are suggested. Well I grab the vape rig, and put in a nice fresh cartridge of Forbidden Fruit. This is just a great tasting vape. It’s brand new, and 1000mg of Live resin with a THC content in the low 90%. I start taking some rips and my rig’s battery is getting spent. So I plug in, and start hitting it. Partly out of spite as I’m pissed at my best friend for not wanting to hang out. 40 minutes later I have cashed the whole cartridge. So I’m still pretty drunk, and so high I’m orbiting with satellites. That’s when I thought it would be a good idea to have some edibles. I ate the whole bag. 100 mg in the belly.
Now for those of you that don’t consume MJ, half a gummy would put most people to sleep for a whole night. 1100mg in an evening is like the equivalent of drinking a few fifths if you’re a drinker.
This whole time I am telling myself that I want to quit smoking and using MJ as I hate what it does to me. So I click play on the Apple TV, and one of the songs my wife listens to starts playing. It was a guy named Brandon Lake, and the song is called surrounded.

I should mention I tried to find religion. My wife is extremely religious. I tried to believe and I just couldn’t. I fount it to be a story made up to keep people moral. I mocked people who believed and I thought they were silly for believing in a myth. I was a first rate asshole.

So this song by Brandon Lake is playing and he is singing “This is how I fight my battles, with my hands held high”. I felt like he was singing to me. It made so much sense and connected. Like yeah, I’m fighting a battle. I want to quit smoking.
The song continued and he was singing “It may look like I’m surrounded, but I’m surrounded by You”. I probably listened to it 20 or more times. At one point I excitedly ran out and asked my wife to come see what was on the TV. I told her “I get it”, and she inquired “What?!?” To which I replied “religion and Jesus”.
I don’t remember anything else from that night. The next morning I woke up and felt funny, like something wasn’t complete.
I didn’t have the desire to get stoned. It was gone. Poof. Gone.
All week I felt really weird. Like something was missing, or incomplete.
That Friday, six days later, early in the morning I woke up with a terrible back ache.
It has been six days I hadn’t consumed any THC.
I went out to the living room and I felt the need to pray. First time in my life, I felt the NEED to pray. My mom died when I was in my early 20’s. I never prayed. That morning, I got on my knees, clasped my hands, and prayed. What was weird, was how I was praying. It was like I knew what to say. Words like strength and wisdom came out of my mouth. It was really weird.
What happened next is hard to describe. Imaging if you were wearing a shirt, under your rib cage. It felt like someone had grabbed it with two hands and was pulling. And I got hot. Not warm, like melting hot. I was soaked in sweat and was thinking “am I dying?” About that time it felt as if someone pulled that shirt right out of me. That’s also when I had this overwhelming feeling of happiness, and the anxiety I had lived with my whole life, what was normal, was gone. In an instant.
Well, there is no doubt that Jesus Christ is my savior. Do I believe, absolutely, with zero doubt.
I’m learning more every day, and the feeling of happiness is still there, and the feelings of anxiety have never returned.

I guess I’m telling this story, mostly because I pray that before RH does drink himself to death, that he finds Jesus. I pray that he accepts Jesus as his savior and is offered to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

As with what Ed has said, if my telling of my story helps even one person, I would be happy it served some good.

The video should start at 6:13 seconds if you’re interested in hearing the song that changed my life.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Beancooker,

quote:

Originally posted by Schmelby:
Any advice on how to sleep?

Exercise.

Beancooker, Thanks for sharing. I smoked weed every day from high school till my late
twenties. When they came out with the Commercial Drivers License and random testing I
gave it up. Didn't really miss it because I had the beer. Maybe I'll try CBD oil. Maybe
I would try weed one more time, I've read it's so much more potent than it was 35 years ago.
I doubt it.
As far as exercizing to get better sleep, I have bad arthritis in my hands and neck.
Mortons Neuroma in both feet. I used to walk about three miles a day, all three of my middle
toes are numb. I'll try walking again.

Man I’m just now reading all of this. RH, I’ll put you in my prayers and I hope you can somehow take some of the advice that has been offered. There are so many great and caring people on this forum, honestly I think you would have been removed from most other forums. I wish I could offer you advice but I can’t. Para said you have an open mic so keep communicating with these guys so they can help you along.

quote:

Originally posted by Schmelby:
Any advice on how to sleep?

You very well might just find that you sleep better than you could have ever imagined possible. There's a big difference between being passed out drunk and unconscious while the hungover feelings roll through, than actually dropping into REM sleep. I've noticed when I don't drink, I'm tired at nine and sleep like a coma. When I do, I tend to have a few beers and sleep at closer to 11. Half-assed sleep and up to piss 5 times.

Schmelby, Alan hit the nail on the head. Exercise. Get a sexy of weights if you can. Bow flex dumbbells are great because they don’t take up much space and you can select from 2 lbs to 52 lbs. A good workout that leaves you tired, followed up with a protein shake, will most likely product a good foundation for sleep. If it doesn’t work keep trying. After a few days you should sleep fine. I get that you have arthritis. That’s why I suggested adjustable weights.

After I stoped drinking and smoking I have found out that I don’t sleep much. Six hours is the max. Most nights it’s around 5 hours. That said I feel just fine. I feel like I slept a lot better than when I used substances. I don’t sleep as much, but I’m far more refreshed when I wake up.

You say “I doubt it” that the weed is stronger than 35 years ago. Well 20 years ago I was living in Washington. It’s the Mecca of good weed, and it was long before it was legal. Killer bud 20 years ago was maybe, at best 8-10% THC. I had a strain of Horchata bud that was given to me. It was organic, no weird fertilizers, nothing added, 100% all natural. It was lab tested as all good growers do, and it came in at 29.5%. The weed they grow now is incredibly potent compared to what it used to be. And as I stated, the cartridges of live resin are quite potent, ranging in the high 80’s to the low 90’s in THC percentage. Comparing bud now to back than is like comparing beer to whiskey. Comparing bud from back then to the cartridges now, is like comparing beer to everclear.

If you want good sleep, substance and chemical free is the best sleep you will ever get.