My wife was adapted. Although she loved her adapted parents (both deceased) she has always had an urge to connect with her biological parents. She tried multiple times to find connections but came up blank. She tells me she feels a void and even if her biological parents have passed, just knowing their story, good bad or indifferent, would put her at ease.

It's hard for me to completely relate, but I guess not knowing your roots is difficult. At this point she solders on.

Two years ago, a woman contacted me out of the blue and told me she was my half- sister. I checked her research and it was true! My Mother was an unwed mother during a time that it was not acceptable to have a child out of wedlock. She went a residential maternity hospital in Cincinnati to have the baby, so she was not seen being pregnant around people who knew her. I think this had to be a very awful experience for her. The baby was immediately but up for adoption. And who facilitated all this for my Mothers family? Their family physician. Who also cared for me until I was about 10! He even made sure the baby was sent to a family that lived across the street from him. To say that learning this information was amazing is a huge understatement. It changed my whole outlook on my parents, who are now both deceased.
Questions:
Did my Father know his wife had a child before they married?
Who was the baby's father?
How and why was this such a closely guarded secret by my Mothers family, when societal attitudes about unwed mothers changed to more acceptance?
So.... If you are looking into the past, be prepared to learn things that may fundamentally change how you feel about your family and the past.

I was adopted at birth in the 1950s, with adoption arranged by the pregnant woman's doctor who also knew my adopted mother because she was an infant nurse.

I did the DNA tests for 3 companies because daughter is interested in her ethnicity and ancestry. Have not ID'd any close relatives.

My birth mother's name is on my birth certificate but no luck in tracking her down in the paperwork or online, etc. She could have used a fake name, middle name, or variation of her real name. Father's name legally withheld from records.

I don't know what I would do if we ID'd birth mother and found out she was still alive. I don't have any feelings about it but think I would try to contact her - she'd be 85 or so now.

If some close relative contacted me I would be fine with it.

quote:

Originally posted by 220-9er:
As long as the adoptive parents did a decent job, I think it's a slap in their face.
The adoptive parents did the heavy lifting when a vulnerable child needed their care and the bio parents checked out, for whatever reason.
The kid, now adult, may have some curiosity but they need to be an adult and get over it.

That sounds right.

My mother was adopted in the early '30s. Her mother died during childbirth and her father put her up for adoption. He, evidently, was just not able to care for a newborn on his own. She always knew who he was and as I recall had some minimal contact with him (I have a photo of him somewhere). I don't know that there were any hard feelings either way, but she was certainly very close with her adoptive parents who passed in the early '70s.

My sister had a child out of wedlock and gave it up for adoption. She had an arrangement with the adoptive parents to always know about her daughter (significant life events and such). Her parents didn't tell her that she was adopted until she was 18 and she did end up contacting my sister. They have become fairly close in recent years. Not in a mother/daughter sort of way, but in a good friend sort of way, and she is still very close to her adoptive parents.

Me? I have mixed feelings about telling the child. On the one hand, you want to be honest with your kids, adopted or not, but on the other hand, children are not capable of understanding what compels adults to place their children up for adoption. This latter fact, I believe, would create undue emotional stress for kids.

I think that it is certainly reasonable to tell them when they are at an age to understand, but by then it may be too difficult.

I don't know...tough situation.

quote:

Originally posted by Gustofer:
On the one hand, you want to be honest with your kids, adopted or not, but on the other hand, children are not capable of understanding what compels adults to place their children up for adoption. This latter fact, I believe, would create undue emotional stress for kids.

If they are too young to understand the Why, why would you think it would cause emotional stress...they'll just accept it. They'll experience the same separation anxiety at some time in their life

All they really need to know is that their adoptive parents love them

quote:

I think that it is certainly reasonable to tell them when they are at an age to understand, but by then it may be too difficult.

You might be underestimating their ability to understand.

The most well adjusted adopted children I've known were told around the age of 4-6. All they need to understand is love and choice.

quote:

Originally posted by 9mmepiphany:

If they are too young to understand the Why, why would you think it would cause emotional stress...they'll just accept it.

I would think that they would be more inclined to harbor resentment by not knowing/understanding the why. By "why" I mean all of the why's. Why they were put up for adoption, why their parents weren't honest with them, etc.... At a more mature age they are better able to deal with the psychological "trauma".

quote:

You might be underestimating their ability to understand.

Perhaps, but from what I recall from developmental psych, I don't think so.

Certainly not all cases are the same, and some kids may do fine with it while others don't. It's a tough decision to make either way.

I was adopted at the age of 3 days right from the hospital. Biological mother was around 16 and in no economic position to keep me.

Adopted family made no secret of the adoption and in turn I really had no desire to find the biological family to complete the circle or anything else.

10 years ago I received a cold call from a lady who said she was my sister and little by little the info she had matched the info I had.

Turns out after I was born my mother married the father and had 3 girls so I have 3 full sibs.

The adoption was never discussed and the 3 sibs had no idea until the alcoholic father made a death bed confession and said to the oldest, "You're not the oldest. Go find your sib after I die." She did and that's what lead to the call.

The biological family and all the extended cousins are truly nice people and I talk to them weekly. Today I got in touch with all 3 of my sibs as a matter of fact. I talk with my biological mother from time to time and the conversations are all pleasant and nothing nasty or odd about them. She's a wonderful person.

The adopted mom and biological mom have met each other and it was a little awkward but turned out just fine.

Maybe mine is the exception but my biological family considers me family who just lives apart from them. We do all the holiday calls, birthday gifts, texts, emails, Christmas gifts and all the other things you'd expect.

This is a fascinating thread, learned something about a lot of members here I didn't previously know.

My wife has talked about adopting since we cannot have anymore children of our own.

quote:

Originally posted by stoic-one:

quote:

Originally posted by 220-9er:
As long as the adoptive parents did a decent job, I think it's a slap in their face.
The adoptive parents did the heavy lifting when a vulnerable child needed their care and the bio parents checked out, for whatever reason.
The kid, now adult, may have some curiosity but they need to be an adult and get over it.

I'm right here, my adoptive parents are both passed, but it was my honor to have been raised by them.

Same here, I know exactly who my biological mother is and could find her in 5 minutes but I feel no need to meet her or involve our lives.

I know who my real parents are, I have no curiosity about any other "blood relations"...

Growing up, i was always openly and inquisitively asked if i was looking.

Now that ive found my birth mother, people are very apprehensive to be excited for me... And ask if thats a good thing or not.

I hadnt ever thought of how bad it could have been. But it's been fantastic.

Everyones got different opinions and strong ones at that. Its a tough and complicated thing.

We adopted my sister when she was an infant.
After my parents passed, she began in earnest to try to find her biological parents. After researching and using online sources, she did find her biological mother.
She developed a very good relationship with her, but she would not give up who the father was. My sister kept at it, and did eventually find her biological father, who lives in the northeast. He too was very happy to find out who and where she was. I think it's been a good thing for her.

To add to my previous post about passing curiosity about my biological parents, I hardly ever think about being adopted to begin with. It only comes to mind when someone else brings up adoption and then it's oh that's right, I'm adopted. That's when the passing curiosity happens.

This topic brings a few feelings to the front.
I was adopted and didn't find out until I was 18. My parents, and I mean the adoptive ones, sat me down and told me. They were understanding and asked if I wanted to contact my biological parents. I thought about it and finally did.
Biological father wanted nothing to do with me and was basically an alcoholic. Biological mother was a different story. I talked to her until she died in 2006. Biological father died in 2005 and I shed no tears.
Adoptive mother died in 2008 and she raised me. It hurt. Adoptive father is still going at 76 years old and we have a very good relationship, always have.
It's tough going through this and I guess it's up to the individual if they want to seek out the birth parents. It can be good or bad.

Tabitha was adopted when her mother was killed in an auto accident in 1969.

She always knew she was adopted, but never tried to reach out to her father until she was in her 20's and found out WHY her adoptive mother insulated her from the family.

They are total trailer park trash. No ambition, drug using, can't even keep the power turned on for a month, but can afford pot, beer and cigarettes trash.

quote:

So basically all 19 of Milo and Jenn's reliative's are going to know about the adoption that took place .

what if M&J Wilburton don't want all gods children to know their business?


M&J could have avoided all the drama if they had just been honest and open about adopting their child...surely they weren't naive enough to think it would remain a secret forever

I may have phrased my o.p. wrong,

M&J were the parents that gave Carla up for adoption.


wonderful , enlightening stories here , thanks for taking the time to share.

My 1st worth while thread of 2018 !

quote:

Originally posted by bendable:

quote:

So basically all 19 of Milo and Jenn's reliative's are going to know about the adoption that took place .

what if M&J Wilburton don't want all gods children to know their business?


M&J could have avoided all the drama if they had just been honest and open about adopting their child...surely they weren't naive enough to think it would remain a secret forever

I may have phrased my o.p. wrong,

M&J were the parents that gave Carla up for adoption.


wonderful , enlightening stories here , thanks for taking the time to share.

My 1st worth while thread of 2018 !

Ah. I went back and re-read the OP and can see how it could have been read another way than I did...it really wasn't clear since we didn't know who the Wilburtons were.

It depends on the local rules of adoption. There are Open Adoptions, where everyone knows everyone, and Closed Adoptions, where the Bio parent's identifying information is kept confidential.

The general trend in adoptions in America is currently leaning toward Open Adoptions as studies have found that it is generally less stressful to the children in the long term...plus it makes it easier to gather medical history if it becomes needed.

If the Child already knows the last name of the Bio Parents and is determined to hunt them down, the only way to avoid "everyone knowing" would be for the Bio Parents to contact the adoptee

quote:

Originally posted by Gustofer:

quote:

Originally posted by 9mmepiphany:

If they are too young to understand the Why, why would you think it would cause emotional stress...they'll just accept it.

I would think that they would be more inclined to harbor resentment by not knowing/understanding the why. By "why" I mean all of the why's. Why they were put up for adoption, why their parents weren't honest with them, etc.... At a more mature age they are better able to deal with the psychological "trauma"

Is that bases on personal experience?

As an adoptee, the parent of an adoptee, and someone who has personal relationships with several adoptees and parents of adoptees (both domestic and international), that hasn't been my experience

The only "trauma" comes from how the adoptive parents choose to present the facts to their child...much like Sex Education...if they color it with judgement and defense really only hurts the adoptee.

It doesn't start with a long dissertation, but a simple, "We love you, you weren't an accident...we chose you."