Friends, I try.

Yesterday was mother's day and Shirl and I had our mothers, daughter and granddaughter over for dinner and dessert.

I have a running joke with daughter on how long it will take Shirl's mom to mention her other daughter and how often. Shirl's mom's other daughter is clearly the favorite. She just lights up when talking about her. Shirl says she should be used to it by now but I can see that it still hurts her. Not that Shirl wants to be the favorite but she's often dismissed completely but the talk about her sister literally never stops. She showed everyone what the sister bought her but left the gift that Shirl gave her at or house. Didn't even say thank you, not once.

Concerning the inside joke I have with our daughter: 33 seconds and 8 times. 33 friggen seconds!

My mom, I am used to her. My youngest brother is the clear favorite and I'm ok with it as I generally just want to be left alone. It bothers Shirl because she thinks it hurts me like her mother hurts her. Mom only brought my brother up twice if you include her raves about his wife. However, my dad and I reconciled very well before he passed (must have been almost 7 years ago that he died) but my mom never let's an opportunity pass to insult him. I've been requesting that she let the dead rest but it doesn't really seem to have any effect on the amount of ever growing bad mouthing of the old fellow. My mom was pretty tame this time and it was ok having her over. I'm pretty sure that I've forgiven her for trying to break Shirl and me up before we could get married.

At least we got a little entertainment between my daughter and I holding up numbers to each other when the mentions happened and both mothers are one-uppers so that gets fun to watch them try to yell which one had more operations or health issues or ambulance rides, I guess.

We honestly try to honor them. I just wish there was a caveat in the commandment that they also have to be honorable.

(sorry, maybe this should have been in "What's your Deal?")

I have five sisters and my stepmother definitely had a favorite and would let her get away with murder compared to the rest of the girls, and sometimes it often came to a head because of this.

To this day, she can do no wrong for my stepmother no matter what and it’s amazing. Meanwhile every other girl has gotten married and stayed married and the favorite has gotten divorced and gone through numerous boyfriends and fiancés.

But she can do no wrong.

quote:

Originally posted by PASig:
I have five sisters and my stepmother definitely had a favorite and would let her get away with murder compared to the rest of the girls, and sometimes it often came to a head because of this.

To this day, she can do no wrong for my stepmother no matter what and it’s amazing. Meanwhile every other girl has gotten married and stayed married and the favorite has gotten divorced and gone through numerous boyfriends and fiancés.

But she can do no wrong.

Yeah, I don't get it. I'm not saying the best behaved should be the favorite but it's always not. It's always the one that takes the most and gives the least. Or so it seems.

I can relate, to an extent.
Fragmented family 'web' & it can be tricky waters to navigate at times.
My wife says I'm a duck. Bothers her more that it doesn't bother me

I can relate.

I was the only one of the grandkids who went military, and then public service.

The other grandkids had issues with dope, crime and really poor judgement.

Nevertheless, all the 'adults' doted on the poor, misunderstood yutes, even in the wake of burglaries (and one suspected murder).

I didn't understand it then, and even less so now. Respect has to be a two-way street, or it's just brainless obedience.

quote:

Originally posted by gruntjim:
I can relate.

I was the only one of the grandkids who went military, and then public service.

The other grandkids had issues with dope, crime and really poor judgement.

Nevertheless, all the 'adults' doted on the poor, misunderstood yutes, even in the wake of burglaries (and one suspected murder).

I didn't understand it then, and even less so now. Respect has to be a two-way street, or it's just brainless obedience.

Ah, grandparents. I got the same treatment from them. On dad’s side grandma was his step-mom that had a daughter with grandpa. When she died my half-aunt got everything along with my cousin. I got exactly zero. On my mom’s side grandpa put my aunt’s kids through college. I got a pack of unused undershirts and a pair of grandpa’s shoes. Oh, and an accusation that I stole his tools.

So back when my middle daughter was about five years old she says to my ex-wife's mom, "grandma, your hands are old."

Daughter received crappy gifts fr about the next ten years.

My son, youngest and only boy of four, is clearly the ex-wife's favorite. So bad in fact, even my son (now 30 years-old) will not have anything to do with his mother. (Favoritism is not the only reason but was the straw.)

quote:

Originally posted by mark123:

Ah, grandparents.

We kids (my two sisters and I) on my birth mother's side were very close with our Grandmother and her sister our Great Aunt. We lived about 30 min away from their houses in Northeast Philadelphia but were always there and had a great relationship with them. My cousins lived 5 minutes away in the same neighborhood yet could not be bothered to visit either of them even living that close by.

So after they both died...guess who got a house for free from them. You guessed it, the cousins. We got zip. I still tell myself that in the eternal scheme of things it means nothing so I tried to not let it bother me but it did sting a little at the time.

quote:

Originally posted by PASig:
We kids (my two sisters and I) on my birth mother's side were very close with our Grandmother and her sister our Great Aunt. We lived about 30 min away from their houses in Northeast Philadelphia but were always there and had a great relationship with them. My cousins lived 5 minutes away in the same neighborhood yet could not be bothered to visit either of them even living that close by.

So after they both died...guess who got a house for free from them. You guessed it, the cousins. We got zip. I still tell myself that in the eternal scheme of things it means nothing so I tried to not let it bother me but it did sting a little at the time.

Yep, seems normal. Sorry, bro.

My parents took my wife and I, and my sister and her family for a brunch buffet. So they make it easy to to be appreciative of everything they do!!! I see other families that have a lot of drama and I don't get it.

My paternal grandmother told my sister that I was the favorite. lol. We were very close.

I don’t have a most favorite, but I do have a most aggravating….

I guess I’ve been blessed.

Cancer got Dad before I turned nine and Mom raised the six of us and ran the ranches. She may have had a favorite, but she did a heck of a job hiding it until recently. In her nineties, one can’t really whine about her filters slipping a little bit.

Anyway, while one of my sisters in law might whine a bit about the first born being the golden son, Mom still treats everyone equally. If one is going to get upset that someone else might be a little more appreciated even though everyone is treated the same, then that person needs a thicker skin.

Even if I’m not the “golden child”, I can’t have anything but gratitude for all that my parents have done for me, including raising me to be an independent human being that makes his own way and doesn’t worry about what others are doing.

I feel for those whose parents have a harder time treating their kids equally. I can see how that could lead to a lot of unnecessary bitterness between the siblings.

Oh, the bitterness between me and my brother is all his own doing.

quote:

Originally posted by darthfuster:
I don’t have a most favorite, but I do have a most aggravating….

Yes, the girls like to say “i know I’m your favorite” but I say “I don’t really like any of you.” I really believe it agitates them that I don’t pick one over the other. They’re very competitive with each other.

quote:

Originally posted by mark123:

quote:

Originally posted by darthfuster:
I don’t have a most favorite, but I do have a most aggravating….

Yes, the girls like you say “i know I’m your favorite” but I say “I don’t really like any of you.” I really believe it agitates them that I don’t pick one over the other. They’re very competitive with each other.

When they ask, just respond with the question, 'you two tell me who you favorite parent is first".......

quote:

Originally posted by HRK:

quote:

Originally posted by mark123:

quote:

Originally posted by darthfuster:
I don’t have a most favorite, but I do have a most aggravating….

Yes, the girls like you say “i know I’m your favorite” but I say “I don’t really like any of you.” I really believe it agitates them that I don’t pick one over the other. They’re very competitive with each other.

When they ask, just respond with the question, 'you two tell me who you favorite parent is first".......

i already know the answer is Shirl.

Mother's Day is hard. So much pain. So much unnecessary pain. It is easier to avoid than to even attempt. On the surface, everything is OK. About one nanometer below that surface, the emotions are like a bonfire in the ice cave. My sister is there in the same city and feels pain as well. Am I a screw up? Maybe. You can never go back to fix these things.

quote:

Originally posted by 4MUL8R:
Mother's Day is hard. So much pain. So much unnecessary pain. It is easier to avoid than to even attempt. On the surface, everything is OK. About one nanometer below that surface, the emotions are like a bonfire in the ice cave. My sister is there in the same city and feels pain as well. Am I a screw up? Maybe. You can never go back to fix these things.

Sorry, bro.

2 comments on the subject:

My birth mother died when I was 6 months old, never knew the lady.

My step-Mom came with one son of her own and had another (my little brother) with my Dad. She made NO bones about who rated and who didn't in her eyes. At the time, being a pre-teen, I didn't understand it. In hindsight and after talking with my 3 full brothers, it was obvious what was going on. I survived.

I have 3 kids that I adopted when I married their Mom. They were 8,9 and 11 at the time. The youngest (girl) and the oldest (boy) accepted me right off and we bonded pretty much immediately. It didn't take long to adopt a balance of having fun with them and still being a responsible parent and establishing a reasonable level of discipline that their Mom and I were comfortable with. The middle one (girl) didn't trust me, resented the fact that I meant her "real Dad" was never coming back and was a major miscreant between the ages of 11 and 20-ish.

Now, nearly 50 years later, my Son has managed to estrange himself from the entire family for various reasons.

The older girl is a flaming liberal, a perpetual victim and has spent her entire adult life gaming the system. We stay in touch, but we're not close.

Our youngest is the apple of my eye and I don't care who knows it. She's independent, industrious, outgoing, and just plain fun to be around. Perfect? Of course not. Does she do things I don't approve of? Sure. But she's also the one that texts or calls every day, stops in a couple of times a month, hunts, fishes, rode motorcycles (had to give that up for health reasons unfortunately) shares my love of modeling and crafts and will be there when old age catches up to me to the point where I need help.

The commandment is "honor your mother and father". Not to love them or even like them. If you recognized her on Mothers' day that's what was asked of you. When my mother was at the end of her life I spent a good deal of time with an attorney discussing her options. At the end of the meeting the attorney (young, female) said "you must really love your mother." I replied "I can't stand the woman. I just want to do what's right by her."

Unfortunately, nobody grows up on Walton's Mountain. I had no expectations of my mother and she didn't disappoint me. I did learn a lot about what I would never do to my children.