quote:

Originally posted by Bytes:
I had the same problem with my son at just about that age. Every time he would get out of line I would restrict him from his favorite activities. First thing I jerked was his tae kwon do lessons. The second thing to get jerked was his internet access (that meant games were out). It didn't escalate beyond that and I had zero problems with him from that point on. I'm not saying this approach will work with your son but it is definitely worth a shot.

^^^^^^^
Make sure you follow through too. I also warn and give them an opportunity to correct their behavior unless it is especially egregious. You should also remember your son is probably a mini you. So....

Mind is 11 and will pop off to his mom. I’m like dude. You are not ever never gonna win this with her. So just be nice to her and your sister and your life will be easy street. Mine does judo and we insists he go to all 3 judo classses offered per week. It’s the computer that he loses time on and he shapes up. He’s had computer restrictions for a week before and it drove him nuts. Not sure he even learned his lesson because it happened again a few days after he got access. He starts middle school in 2 weeks so we’ll see how it goes.

I found that telling mine straight up that their behavior was unacceptable, and that proper behavior was a matter of respect between us, not just one way, was pretty effective, and restricting TV/internet/etc. was a step I usually didn't have to take.

We did spank our kids, but I don' think I did so after the age of 3 or 4.

Take things away. Continue to do so until the stupid corrects itself.

Why?

Because that is what life does.

When humans do stupid, they lose things. The more stupid they are, the more things they lose. Material, freedom, opportunity - it's a veritable laundry list.

Take things away.

Prepare them in understanding life.

I was a smart-ass as a kid; questioned everything I was asked to do and followed my own path. The ONE thing that got me going in the right direction was being treated as an adult, meaning, if I was rude, no one wanted to be with me. If I was disrespectful,I couldn't EXPECT things to get done for me (laundry, meals, etc).

Luckily, I had parents who could talk to me about my difficulties and how those decisions would affect my life . I became accountable for my actions. Take away a kids security blanket (without actually abandoning them) and let them pay the consequences. It wasn't too long before I realized how smart my parents were! LOL

Good luck with your son! Let him grow to be the person he chooses to be, but show him how straying from the norm may affect him. He will love and appreciate you more in the long run!

Children grow and mature in stages. The parent has to be the parent not the child's buddy. The spouse and I did not tolerate bad behavior and or insubordination. When it came to higher education we paid in full the first two years, the next two years 50% over four years they paid 100% with student loans. When they came home in the summer we had rules. If they didn't like the rules they could find some other place to stay. Adults now with their own children they better understand why we were the way we were. What shaped my perspective straight out of high school to the Marine Corps/Viet-Nam you learn to appreciate discipline.

I have an almost 16 year old boy and an almost 13 year old boy. Both good kids, good grades in advanced classes and work hard at school and sports. When our oldest started to get these hormone induced attitude traits we had a sit down talk with him. We explained the science behind it, what hormones do and how they impact his body and his brain. I think it is very helpful for them to really understand what is happening to them. We explained that he will feel emotions in a much stronger way, may have mood swings for no obvious reason, etc, etc....

When we were done explaining and answering all of his questions I looked at him right in the eye and said, "To be perfectly clear, none of this is an excuse for you to be an asshole". He smiled, we all laughed a little and then I reiterated that puberty was hard but the expectations for his behavior, respect for others, etc... does not change. I think this one conversation really helped all of us in the following years.

It's about time to have this talk with his little brother.

When my kid was about 12, I told him he had reached the age where his words and deeds would reflect on him as well as me. I told him he must respect his parents and others and in return he would be respected. I also told him I would enforce this policy to the letter. To the point of going to jail, if need be. And I told him that his friends need to toe the line as well. And then I began to let him do things more on his own, as long as he acted like he had some sense. And he knew I was watching him.
Example:
I always had a motorcycle as he was growing up and he began riding behind me about age 5. I sweated out him wanting to get a motorcycle as he entered his teens. Shortly after he turned 15, he told me he wanted to get a bike. At the time I had a man eating Honda 650 street/ trail bike that would climb a tree, if you could hang on to it as it went up. We rolled the bike out and I asked him if he wanted me to show him how to ride it. His typical teenage answer was no. He had all the knowledge he needed! He got on the bike, fired it up, kicked it into gear and shot down the sidewalk. And ran head on into a utility pole. After he crawled out of the wreckage, I asked him if he still wanted to ride. He said... Hell no!
I could have gone all Dad on him and forced him to take a lesson or two, but I thought it would be a teachable moment if he survived a crash on his own.
I was lucky with my kid as he was very little trouble as a teen. I worried more about his friends than I did him.
Good luck with your son. Getting mine through HS was a full time job!

My son and I could always talk about anything-- he would tell me anything-- until about age 12 or 13. Then he clammed up, and when he did talk it would be sarcastically. I would not tolerate disrespect-- I think it's important to keep certain boundaries-- but otherwise I gave him space.

One day driving along, silently, I said to him, just matter of factly, "We used to talk a lot. Talk about everything. I miss that. I miss you, buddy."

His response: "It's just this teen thing, dad. I'll be back."

He is 22 now.

And he is back.

I stopped working the middles schools as a substitute because the kids that age were testing their boundaries and being in general wise asses that thought they could say whatever they wanted and didn't want to listen to authority. You will see that for a year or two. Parents that paid attention to their kids straighten them out with taking away what meant the most to kids, video games, sports etc... Talk to your son, his hormones are driving him crazy and a good role model as you seem to be will be a big help to him.

We didn't have any problems with our son, our daughter was another story

If we could do it over again, we would have severely curtailed her access to her iphone. At least 50% of her problems could be traced back to that damn thing and the kids she was in touch with.

^^^I sub at my kid's school which goes from 2 year old preschool up to 12th grade. The 7th and 8th graders behave like the 4 year old preschoolers and kindergarteners. The younger ones have an excuse in that most have never been in a classroom and they are learning how to behave in a classroom.

We have an 11 almost 12 year old and once in a while we get the same thing.

We have found that a lack of emotional response is the fastest way to cut through the BS.

- Yikes that's not an appropriate way to treat people. Why don't you go ahead and vacuum out Mom's van and then we'll discuss it a bit. Let me know when you're done so I can inspect your work.

- Ooof that's really hurtful. You should (go do something constructive for himself and our housefold) and then we should probably talk about why we are trying to teach you that that's hurtful to yourself and others.

Shoot, we have 4 total, and the younger three followed his lead last night when I got home from work and mom had to leave. The house was a disaster and I wasn't about to spend from 5:30-10:30 in this wreck.

"Each one of you start by going from room to room and pick up and put away anything that's yours. In a half hour when I go through the rooms, anything I find that isn't mine or moms goes in the box in the closet and if you ever want it back, you can earn it back.

Then you need to do your "check" chore (dishwasher, trash, recycle tub, that kind of thing where they can check it every day and do it if necessary - they rotate every week), and once that's done I'll hopefully have supper ready."

*Oldest flops down and goes "Uuggghhh...."

"Oh wow. Hey I was hoping someone would clean the bathroom too. Ben that's your job."

*3rd born, "I can't do any chores because they're BORING!...."

"Hey Zac I'm so happy that you volunteered to swiffer the kitchen floor. There's a bunch of stuff near the stove that you might have to get a washcloth to scrub off the floor."

*Daughter, 10, smartest of them all, "Come on 4th-born-4-year-old, I'll help you go through all the rooms and get your stuff picked up while I look for my stuff."

And by the time I was done making supper all their stuff was done.

This is not a silver bullet, but I just won't yell at them unless it's truly warranted, like major character stuff that needs an instant "holy crap" correction. I think the fact that I don't plead with them or try to negotiate with stuff like that helps.

I know we're on the early stages of these years, and that they'll get incredibly rocky but we're trying to build out some tactics ahead of time.

Love and logic for teens helped a bunch for strategies.

https://www.amazon.com/Parenti...scents/dp/1576839303

Actually all of the love and logic books are amazing, but of course, YMMV. No strategy is the best and all families and parenting skills are different.

quote:

If we could do it over again, we would have severely curtailed her access to her iphone. At least 50% of her problems could be traced back to that damn thing and the kids she was in touch with.

Man oh man I hear you there. We used to be WAY more lax with our screen time, and we really felt like we were battling uphill every day with attitude.

One day I brought down the hammer and outright banned screens during the school year (except for baseball/sports games on TV if Mom or Dad turns it on after supper AND their homework/instrument/lunch packing is finished). No more after school "unwind" screen time. No more after supper show if they skipped the after school screen time.

Their attitudes changed dramatically. Screens bring out the worst in kids and I'm pretty sure it's documented somewhere that the chemicals they get while doing screen stuff, isn't great for their development.

Of course, take this with a grain of salt. We're also currently PRE-phone years, so heaven help us when we get there. Yikes.

Not a parent, but I'm with kids everyday. I drive a school bus. That is the age range that they get all wacky. Not a "kid" anymore and not an adult.

Things are changing, body, and the like. It's a confusing time.

Be patient, talk with him, explain what is expected. Set and keep rules, but don't make them to strict. But if he doesn't follow the rules have consequences.

Most of all, be patient and understanding.


That's the best I can do.


ARman

Grandson, 11, we keep him while Mom is working and after school.


A week without his beloved X-Box did wonders. LOL! Just a couple days ago he just STARTED to mouth off about a simple chore... I just asked if he wanted another week off the X-Box... not another word from him since.

You choose to act up... fine... but, this is the result.

You whining for your Granny to make you a sandwich for you because you don't want to eat the supper she just spent 2 hours on. Oh no! Not even. You eat what is prepared or do without.

If he's got a cellphone, take it from him in week increments. That seemed to hurt the most and make the biggest dent in curbing my son's attitude. Its a phase they all go through and he will work out of it eventually, but in the meantime he'll really push your buttons.

I am curious what the specifics are of nasty little smart ass with a bad attitude is??

I had 2 daughters with bad attitudes. My son just turned 16 and is still the model of respect and responsibility. Firm fair and consistant with patience from you would be my advice.

It’s a right of passage as a parent. Attitude, was adjusted by harsh but fair punishment. They were told the consequences of the behavior we did not approve, and punishments were enforced without multiple warnings. Life was a lot less fun for them if they weren’t model citizens of our household. The key was setting a firm and defined boundary. The other key was communication. Stay strong, it’ll pass faster than you think it will.

quote:

Originally posted by Ronin101:
I am curious what the specifics are of nasty little smart ass with a bad attitude is??

I had 2 daughters with bad attitudes. My son just turned 16 and is still the model of respect and responsibility. Firm fair and consistant with patience from you would be my advice.

He's very polite at school, all his teachers love him and say how much of a delight he is to have in class. He is more of a nerd type kid, loves Star Trek and reading. His friends are mostly good kids, other book types with strict parents like we are.

Just asking him to do any type of chore and you get smart ass response or grunting, out of nowhere all of a sudden you get this surly attitude over something stupid, and I'll usually bite back and tell him to dial it back about 10 notches. He has that shitty look he will shoot me which usually gets the "boy, you had best wipe that look off your face or I will smack it off you." He mostly gets rude with his mom, which is odd because he has always been a mommas boy and my wife is no pushover, she may be harder on him than I am so it's not like he knows he can get away with it. She will cut him off at the knees if he starts getting sassy.

On the other hand, he still wants to hang out with us, and has no embarrassment of giving us a hug or giving his mom a kiss goodbye in the school drop off line. he says I don't care what anyone else thinks. My wife does a lot of PTA stuff in the school and if he sees her he will wave and want a hug, while any other kid his age would be mortified to see his mom at school.

He's in all the advanced classes, does robot building and stuff, never in trouble at school.

Just can be a real smart ass at home lately. And moody.