I did not want to muck up the original thread but felt Para's knowledge drop need be repeated:
https://sigforum.com/eve/forums...0601935/m/6660039124

quote:

And to the very young guys out there- fellas, women are attracted to strength and I'm not talking about physical strength. No sane woman whose heart is in the right place wants a pantywaist for a boyfriend/husband.
Do you know what helps to make strong relationship? The ability and willingness to walk away from the relationship if needed. Once you start debasing yourself, you've lost. No matter what happens subsequently- whether she "takes you back" or whatever- you've lost. You will never again have her respect.

When you're 20 years old and you fall in love, you think "This is it!" Well, guess what? It's probably not. If you get into the habit of prostrating yourself before every woman you're with, your life may end up miserable.

Mind you, I'm not talking about bluffing. I'm talking about projecting your strength as a man, that says "I love you but I can live without you"- and meaning it.
That's infinitely more attractive to the opposite sex than the other behavior mentioned.

And if this offends anyone here, that's just tough. The above advice was given to me as a young man, and I have benefitted from it, and ended up with the right woman

Those of you all that have been here for awhile may remember that I dated an amazing girl for nearly 6 year encompassing most of my High School and College days. When you are 17 and you finally catch that girl that you had been chasing since the first time you laid eyes on her when you were in 7th grade (not joking. I know exactly when and where we were the first time I saw her). You think she is it and you are set.

We dated for nearly 6 years and while we had some issues from time to time there were not many relationships amongst our friends that lasted longer. My family treated her like a daughter and her family treated me like a son, her Mother still sends me an occasional message to wish me a happy birthday or to see how my kids are doing. But as that relationship continued through college I could tell that path we had been sharing was starting to diverge. No real issues in the relationship I could just tell we both were maturing in different ways and our futures weren't likely compatible.

I would to this day argue that ending the relationship was likely the hardest decision I have ever had to make. With us not having a real issue with each other the break was certainly not clean. We still saw each other at every break in school and pretty much most days in the summer. Eventually we started dating other people and that started to make the break pretty real. I hit quite the wall of depression for a bit and dropped to 160 pounds from 185. Thanks to my best friend in the world and my roommate at the time he got me back on track. I ended up graduating moving a couple hours away and started my career.

Her and I stayed cordial and spoke from time to time. Mainly around our birthday as we shared a birthday. She got in a pretty serious relationship that turned abusive and her mother was calling me a bit telling me what was going on and asking for help. It got to the point where I thought I was going to have to physically intervene and possibly risk my LE career. I had already lost one good friend that was murdered by her husband that was not going to happen again. Fortunately she was strong enough to finally leave. He was not strong enough to handle it and I believe he ended up drinking antifreeze after she left him.

So, now I will get to the point of Para's advice and the end of my story.

Her and I wished each other a happy birthday the following year and 2 weeks later I met the girl I would call my wife. I have been married for nearly 9 years now, have 2 amazing boys, with another baby due in July and I could not be happier.
While ending it with my teenage love who I was dead set on marrying was the hardest decision I have ever made it was also without a doubt HANDS DOWN THE BEST DECISION I HAVE EVER MADE.

If I would have been jaded and tried to keep that relationship going because it was good for the moment and not paid attention to where it was heading and tried to keep it alive I never would have met the person that God made for me to truely share my life with.
I look at my wife and my boys and am so glad I made that tough decision years ago.

Very, very true and reflects my experience except it took longer for my eyes to open...

Well said.

Far better to call a halt then than after 20 years of marriage and kids. A whole lot cheaper, too.

I don't know about the debasing part, or prostrating. I prefer "caring and sharing" to "my way or the highway."

My current wife is dead set on making life miserable for my next wife, not me. She saw how her predecessor did that and realizes how easy that made it for her.

We have never argued about anything, except when she came to work for my companies years ago, we argued about whether she was sleeping with the boss or I was. Once we got that adjusted, it's been grand.

Most arguments are about sex and money, never enough of either. We've been spared that, thankfully. We're not as wealthy as we were, or thought we would be at this point, but we've managed to cling to a pleasant prosperity. In this regard, we were very lucky. Not only did we walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, we used to own property there! Quite a few of the clients I used to work with were really wealthy and lost everything in the Whackyland real estate crash 10 years ago. It was pitiful to see.

Churchill observed that "[o]ne must never forget when misfortunes come that it is quite possible they are saving one from something much worse; or that when you make some great mistake, it may very easily serve you better than the best-advised decision. Life is a whole, and luck is a whole, and no part of them can be separated from the rest."

Finding the right woman to marry is very often a very hard thing to do.

In my case, it started early. And ended early as well.

I met my wife in a little gastehaus, in a little village some 60 miles from where I was stationed.

I did virtually no dating before enlisting in the army. Dated only one woman in Germany, and she is my wife of 59 years, come 24 May.

I have always believed that God wanted me to find this woman as I had this unexplainable drive to get to Germany when I enlisted at age 17.

Most teenage love doesn't end well, regardless.

Are there exceptions to the rule? Certainly.

As Para said, women value strength. Weakness / running after them / debasing yourself isn't attractive to anyone.

And there are about 3billion fish in the sea. Sure there is "the one" right this second, but there are millions of others you haven't even met, so if one doens't work out, keep looking / enjoying.

AWESOME to hear you found your soulmate, Black92XL!! CONGRATS!!!

Short story: many, many, MANY moons ago, dated the love of my life for about 2 years...popped the question. Knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her after our second date, but didn't want to scare the buhjeepers outta her, so waited. She said yes immediately. Something changed her mind and she bailed after about a month and half...on the whole relationship. I mean tarp over head, pull handle, watch the canopy kinda bail.

Heart-broken...just broken for a number of years, but persevered and pursued all my flying stuff (at the time, I was just starting my instrument rating). Bottom line...if we had married (she had a little boy from previous marriage), I don't think I would have had the time and financial flexibility to chase my dream of aviation, leave the "security" of the business world (ironically, the job I left got eliminated), and wouldn't be where I am today as a 12+ year Captain flying for a Part 121 airline.

Fast forward about 8 years after that breakup and I met the most lovely woman from Scotland. I was best man for my bud; she was maid of honor. Hit it off like PB&J. She of course had to go back to the UK and we did the long distance thing for about a year. Was on the verge of asking her to come to the states when I got news that she had committed suicide. Ton of bricks.

After that, gave up and still single. Not gonna blow sunshine up anyone's butt and say life is great. Most times it is, but having lost in love is DEFINITELY not better than ever having loved at all. Whoever said that (Tennyson, I believe it was) is an absolute idiot...JMHO.

ETA: (Just heard this watching Joel Osteen) What I have to keep in mind from spiritual upbringing is that we may face failures and disappointments in life, but God has something bigger in mind for us. Hence my road to the airlines.....

I have a similar story. Dated a girl for three years and we went our separate ways. It was tough. Much as you told it. To this day I care about her but it was the right call.
I hit a wall after as well. It seems trite but Garths song 'unanswered prayers' really helped me during this time.
I found a good woman. 21 years and 3 girls and I am a blessed man.
I remember when you went through all that and I appreciate your sharing. Be blessed.

Congratulations, Black92LX. I agree that women value inner strength in a man. They look for it and they sense it.

I will add that any woman who wants you to debase yourself to acquiesce to her isn't worth having. The packaging may be pretty, but the inside is rotten.



.

Until you find the right one to buy, rent.

I will be having my 25 year anniversary next month. I can't even remember dating. Maybe it was in an alternate universe or a dream state.

That is good advice Para. I'm going to remember this if I ever run into a troubled young man. Good stuff in this thread.

I'm happy things work out for you.

My wife and I will be married 31 long, long, long, long years this July 4th. Yes, I've been saying the "long, long, long, long" part even at 5 years.

It's our first marriage. One thing that saved me was when I was a sailor for 6 years, I didn't want to marry someone who would marry a sailor like I was. I met my wife shortly after I got out of the navy, got to know her for a couple of years first, then we got married after 5 years.

Just Friday, we had a 17 year old lady that i've felt close since she was 12. I think she was like 7 or 8 when she got stuck in a tree and her mother came to me since I was the only man around if I could help. I reached up and took her down. When I saw her when she was 12, I remembered the incident and realized she was the only person that gave me a "dad" moment - being thought of a super man by someone so young. So I got close to her as her parents are divorced and her dad isn't in her life.

In any case, Friday we had a frank talk with her about dating and what she wants in a husband and what she needs to become to be the woman that her dream husband would want to marry. Not sure if she took it but I'm hoping it does.

Found out the hard way that you MUST be able to live alone before you should EVER make the big commitment. Haven't you heard? The divorce rate now is well over 50% - and females, yes FEMALES, initiate about 69% of those proceedings.

quote:

Originally posted by jtedescucci:
Found out the hard way that you MUST be able to live alone before you should EVER make the big commitment. Haven't you heard? The divorce rate now is well over 50% - and females, yes FEMALES, initiate about 69% of those proceedings.

Is it really that high? I thought that its more like 25%.

I dated a someone through a 4 year stretch from the end of high school through college. It was a serious relationship and our families were much on the same terms (I was like a son to her parents, she was a daughter to mine).

Things drifted a bit toward the end and when she asked "are you ready to be done?" I had replied with a "if you're asking that question, it is over."

It was an instinctual response, but turned out to be the correct one. Later in college, I met the love of my life and wife.


Only years later did I learn from a mutual friend of my Ex, that it was meant to be only a "threat" and to bring us back together by sparking the conversation and patchwork. If you're not willing to go through with the threat of "are you ready to be done" - dare not utter the words.

Truly one of the best things to ever happen to me.