We've been married 40 years, and I love her dearly, BUT......she is costing me relationships. Recently we were out of state visiting my youngest daughter's in-laws. They are all, including my daughter, devout Catholics. My SIL is as well, but very intellectual. He recently gave her a controversial book about the Bible. Those two had a great discussion. Then she spoke to his mother. I don't know what she said, but after 5 minutes or so, the woman declared my wife a heretic and was plainly angry. We left shortly thereafter.

My oldest daughter is a passionate liberal, naturally depressed and miserable about politics. She has specifically asked us not to address politics in her home, and doesn't visit in our house partly because of this. She even has a sign on her front door asking visitors not to discuss politics. My wife starts in EVERY VISIT. (We are staunch conservatives.) Today was no exception. She had to be asked TWICE not to bring it up. We're down to maybe 4 visits a year now, and I'm missing my grandson growing up. Don't tell me to talk to my wife, she won't listen to anyone and is, shall we say, persistent in her stance.

This is likely my fault in part, as over the years I have allowed her more control over our lives because I do not want the stress. Actually, with my medical conditions, I cannot stand the stress.

I seem to be boxed into a corner. Ant suggestions?

Perhaps suggest to her it would be best for all concerned if you visited your family without the "pleasure" of her company?

Talk to the people you are visiting and explain the situation to them and that you would really like to see your grand children more, and that you cannot control your wife and what she talks about, so please just ignore what she says, don't continue the situation, and to change the subject as quickly as possible or temporarily leave the room to go do something and come back and change the subject.

Take trips without her.

My mom is a liberal and they were also quite religious at one time, but we came to a generally unspoken understanding that both topics were off limits whenever visiting each other. So we enjoy everyone's company but just talk about everything but politics and religion.

Plenty of things in life OUTSIDE of those flammable topics.

I have the two adult sisters that don’t talk to each other, going on about 4 years. It started over taking a picture with the other’s phone.

Then the one sister doesn’t talk to Mom, who’s 80+ in delicate health, 10+ years.

On the wife’s side, her Mom & Aunt don’t talk, long time.

I can talk with just about anyone, may not want to do a trip with them, be business partners, or even go for a drive. I can easily talk about the weather & current events.

If not to far, try to visit solo. When I see potential conflict I just don’t invite the wife.

I guess I'll have to stat going alone. Very sad.

^^^^^^^^
Sometimes avoidance is the best choice.

quote:

Originally posted by Fredward:
I guess I'll have to stat going alone. Very sad.

It is sad, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

One of my best friends, ever since high school. He and his wife, my wife and I, used to get together and have a grand old time. Then a thing happened and now the two women cannot bear even the thought of one another other. So now I go visit my friend sans my wife It sucks, but it is what it is.

I feel your pain, Brother.

My wife INSISTS on telling people, especially our kids and grandkids, things they don't want to hear. Then complains because they like me better...

I've tried more than once to explain to her that they are adults and while we may not agree with their points of view or decisions, it's not our job to try to "correct" them.

Falls on deaf ears. "I have a right to my opinion!" Yes, Dear, you do, but you don't have the right to force it on others.

What a mess... sorry you're having to live through this.

How far do you live from your grandson? I can see visiting by yourself might be easy if you are relatively close. But if he lives far away it might be difficult to make an overnight (or longer) trip without your wife.

I do a horrible job with this sort of communication but let me toss out a thought. Can you have a constructive conversation with you wife along the lines:
> Open along these lines - I'm guessing you're upset with what took place? Please share your thoughts.

> Ask "what can I do to support you?" You'll probably be surprised to hear whatever she has to say - don't get defensive if you don't like what she says. Just acknowledge.

> Ask, "do you want to visit daughter in future if your daughter insists on keeping the existing ground rules? Don't comment, just get her thoughts.

> Ask "What are your expectations for future visits to their house?" "What are your expectations if they come here?"

> Ask if she think there is a high likelihood that your daughters response might be stop visiting. Ask how she'll respond if that comes about and how she expects you to respond.



Leave any response that indicates you'll do what you want to maintain the relationship with your grandson for a follow-up conversation - if it comes to that point.



Any chance your daughter is willing to chill and just accept her mom as she is? I realize that might be asking a lot.

Because, clearly, your wife continues to completely disregard the homeowner (your daughter)'s "rules", you need to either go alone or don't go at all. No other way.

There is no addressing issues with my wife. She's right, I'm wrong, next issue. She's ESPECIALLY defensive about being "told what to do." It's an hour's drive. I'll start going alone during the week this summer. My lefty SIL is, of course, a schoolteacher, so it would be fairly simple.

If desired you can also soften the idea somewhat by ‘hitting a gun shop out that way’ or ‘that farm implement store’, whatever.

If you flat out put it that it’s because of the tension she causes, you may have another can of worms.

Sounds to me like plenty of time away from her is exactly what you need. Visiting your relatives and friends is just a bonus.

Can't say as I blame her for giving Libtards the business even if it is your own kids.

Obvious question: Why is she your wife?

She should be your partner. She should give a damn what you think and how you feel.

I'm not seeing any of this. It just doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

I'm going to be the only guy here that stands with your wife.

I've also been married 40 years now and my wife was the one who went through all the blood, sweat and tears getting our daughter to adulthood. You expect her to just stop being "mom" when they graduate from high school? Our daughter is now 34 and they text or talk every day. They recently got into a disagreement about some decision she made about our granddaughter and mom objected (it was a bad decision). I apologized to my daughter some time later and she looked at me and said .."I'm a mom now and will be doing the same thing, I'm sure when the time comes. I was proud of her for the understanding.

You say your daughter is a die hard liberal. In these times, how do you just ignore that? Serious question. "Well, we just don't talk politics" might have worked years ago but not any more. The liberal want conservatives gone, period. The wife and I choose to fight back. We are both "persistent" in our stance as well. This is serious stuff.

As far as other family members go, I don't really know all the history but I have family members that are always coming up with crazy ideas and I'm probably the only one in the group that tells them what I honestly think. Not everyone is happy about that but I'm not the kind of guy that just tells people what they want to hear. So I guess I am more like your wife in that regard.

You asked for our thoughts and those are mine.

How do I ignore her liberalism? It's easy. She doesn't speak of it to me. Is a political stance worth losing contact with your child and grand child? There are actually bigger issues than politics. If you lose sight of that, we revert to 1860. People in my house behave by my rules. I expect others to abide by my daughter's rules IN HER HOUSE. Do I expect her mother to grow up and treat her like an adult? Hell yes. Why shouldn't I?

quote:

Originally posted by Bassamatic:
You say your daughter is a die hard liberal. In these times, how do you just ignore that? Serious question. "Well, we just don't talk politics" might have worked years ago but not any more. The liberal want conservatives gone, period. The wife and I choose to fight back. We are both "persistent" in our stance as well. This is serious stuff.

Do you really believe that every liberal person truly want all of the conservatives "gone." That's short-sighted. For a lot of people - hopefully most of them - there are things bigger than politics. I work in a liberal area and my mother is fairly liberal. I, like Fredward, "just ignore it." We don't agree and we aren't changing each other's minds but we're family and we have a lot more in common than we do different. And being family, we care for each other and respect each other's views. Do you expect somebody to either harm their relationship with their own child because they don't agree with their political views?

quote:

Originally posted by DaBigBR:

Do you really believe that every liberal person truly want all of the conservatives "gone." That's short-sighted. For a lot of people - hopefully most of them - there are things bigger than politics. I work in a liberal area and my mother is fairly liberal. I, like Fredward, "just ignore it." We don't agree and we aren't changing each other's minds but we're family and we have a lot more in common than we do different. And being family, we care for each other and respect each other's views. Do you expect somebody to either harm their relationship with their own child because they don't agree with their political views?

You think I'm the one short sighted? His daughter admires the ones that believe we are the deplorables...remember? I guess some members of your family do as well.

Hey man, you can ignore all that is going on for the sake of "keeping the peace". I don't really care. It's just not how I choose to live my life...but that's just me.