quote:

Originally posted by bobtheelf:
I've got some ideas, but let me bubble them up and see what comes back.

Careful... that could just be indigestion. Or gas.

quote:

Originally posted by ridgerat:
"Onboarding."

I still refer to it as training.

Training's too expensive and implies someone took a class. Onboarding is what we do to get new hires to work a full 40-60 hours a week and spend their after-hours personal time finding the resources they need to succeed in their role.

quote:

Originally posted by Leemur:
The one that got me at my last job was “opportunities.”

Yep, there are no problems, only opportunities. They think taking the negative phrasing out will make people not realize they're pissed off at the stupid shit that doesn't work.

Also, "value add"

And "huddles" Stupid, pointless, god damn ridiculous huddles. I worked for a large multinational company that brought in some German firm to change up the business process and make it better. It had to have cost them multiple millions of dollars between the cost of the firm and all the changes they implemented.

The bigger bosses didn't appreciate it when I said that someone at home office should be fired if we had to hire an outside firm to tell us how to run our own fucking business. But anyway one of the things they brought in was the idea of huddles. Daily meetings at all levels to drivel on over nonsense.

Shortly after that was implemented I walked into a Dunkin Donuts one day and I glanced into the open backroom door and they had a damned huddle board. It's Dunkin Donuts... make the food, and sell it... What more needs to be discussed?

What’s our calorie burn?...we need to make sure we have the bandwidth.

quote:

Originally posted by ryan81986:

And "huddles" Stupid, pointless, god damn ridiculous huddles.

<snip>

Shortly after that was implemented I walked into a Dunkin Donuts one day and I glanced into the open backroom door and they had a damned huddle board. It's Dunkin Donuts... make the food, and sell it... What more needs to be discussed?

Oh, good. I thought I was the only one. Both WalMart and the local grocery chain do them. I hear it over the PA: "All associates, there will be a huddle in front of the XXX in 5 minutes".

Really? How about you huddle your stupid ass in front of a friggin' cash register and check me out so I can get on with my life?

I wouldn't last past the first "huddle" if I had to work in a place like that. Pretty sure "Fuck your huddle, I've got work to do" would be the last words I uttered as an employee.

quote:

Also: charette.

Da fuq? Had to google that one.

There's some awfully stupid stuff that goes on in the corporate speak universe. I'm ok with some of it as insider shorthand, such as "stakeholder", or "onboarding" but much of it is idiotic.

One of my particular hates is "bake in".

Mind share. What?

I work in with utilities and oil & gas. Still rather traditional. Not much BS thankfully.

I swear sometimes I want to throw out some quotes from the movie 12 Angry Men just to see if any of these corporate cretins would even pick up on it. Something like “let’s throw it out on the stoop and see if the cat licks it up.”

Let's add "pain point" and "ladder up," please.
I just heard those in a news report on cashless businesses.
Oh! "Unbanked" was a new one to me too.

Synergistic integration!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eR3xc1Hm_Fc

Even though I have only worked for small businesses for many years, sometimes this "corporate lingo" filters down to them. One ex-boss liked to use "conversation" or "chat" as a euphemism for an ass-chewing. Another was fond of having meetings. (I believe it was Thomas Sowell who said that people who enjoy having meetings should never be in charge of anything. Boy, was he right.) In one, he crumpled up a piece of paper into a wad, called it "the ball" and passed it around to see who caught it, picked it up and ran with it, or dropped it.

quote:

Originally posted by egregore:

In one [meeting], he crumpled up a piece of paper into a wad, called it "the ball" and passed it around to see who caught it, picked it up and ran with it, or dropped it.

I probably would have been fired on the spot, for taking the "ball" when it got to me, tossing it into the waste basket for a two-pointer, and asking, "is there anything useful that we have to discuss, or can we get back to work?"

quote:

Originally posted by PKFan:
How about "net new"

I've also run across "net net".

"I'll find a resource to work on that project."

I am not an f'ing "resource."

You need to have more skin in the game! Why, will I get part of the company?

quote:

Originally posted by bobtheelf:
I've got some ideas beans and a swimming pool, let me bubble them up and see what comes back.

This was how I read it. Most new ideas remind me of something else.

quote:

Originally posted by ArtieS:

quote:

Also: charette.

Da fuq? Had to google that one.

Precisely what I had to do the first time it was used by our overpaid consultant.

quote:

charette

To perhaps save some others of us some time, a copy-and-paste from dictionary.com:

Charette

noun
a final, intensive effort to finish a project, especially an architectural design project, before a deadline.

I like to use my impressive vocabulary when people start using made up business language.

they tend to stop, after they look like a drooling idiot who can't hold up their end of a discussion.

Get some random syllables and stick them together for your own made-up words, then use them in a meeting.

If anybody looks puzzled just glare at them as if they are idiots.

quote:

Originally posted by V-Tail:
Get some random syllables and stick them together for your own made-up words, then use them in a meeting.

If anybody looks puzzled just glare at them as if they are idiots.

But, there is a plethora of language which can be deployed in such a perfunctory manner as too confuse and distract them unendingly; why make things up?