This is just a sad rant. Don't read on if you were expecting to laugh. I'm praying to Jesus Christ for guidance, which is all I can do...

My mom is 64 years old and has been a semi-functioning alcoholic her entire adult life. It has caught up with her, and then some. She lives alone. She lost her job last year, ending a long engineering career, before retirement eligibility no less.

I've spent two days in the emergency room(inside of one month) with her because she has fallen twice, sustaining concussions and requiring a CT scan to make sure she didn't get brain bleed.
Twice.
She also has severe osteoporosis and broke a rib on one of the incidents. Fortunately she only concussed herself, but she is in constant pain and had constant vertigo, even sober. She has been sober more often than usual because she is in such a frail state that she gets very sick from it, but she is very depressed and I have to manage her medications because she doesn't have the wherewithall to do it herself.

She used to be one of the most hyper-vigilant, competent, driven people I've ever known and now she is in a state that makes my 80yo mother-in-law look like a track star by comparison. Her alcohol intake has destroyed her hormonal balance and she needs to supplement minerals to reduce her heart-failure and stroke risk.

I think she can get better, but she doesn't seem to want to. I'm fairly certain she needs constant live-in care, but she is at an odd age where she will probably run out of money before she dies of one of her self-inflicted issues.

I've tried to remind her about her granddaughter, and how much it means to all of us that she fight through this but she is so defeated, and honestly just a shadow of her former self. I have to check on her almost every day and I know one of these days I'm going to find her dead.

I have talked to her doctor about getting power of attorney, and I will probably have to take over her finances and force her into more intensive care. I have NO faith in the current healthcare system though. She still has a couple of friends, but has pushed them pretty far away. Nobody else can help me, I have no siblings and my stepdad passed from cancer 13 years ago.

I saw the writing on the wall but I didn't think I'd lose her this soon.

I think I know what I have to do, it just sucks. This whole fucking thing sucks. All I can do is pray, be kind, be patient, and be the best dad I can be.

Thanks for letting me burden you with my sad situation. You are all my brothers, even if we disagree on things sometimes. This place is where I come for peace and I'm very grateful for Sigforum.

Sorry you are burdened with these hard issues. Its hard dealing with others who don’t want to do whats best for them.
If she goes into assisted living they probably will not allow the drinking. How will she accept that change?

That's one of the bigger reasons she has avoided treatment for so long, but she wont have a choice. I'm trying to figure out how to make her manage her depression and make her as comfortable as possible while she's injured, without enabling her.

I have no useful advice for you, and it doesn’t sound like you really need advice. But you have my heartfelt sympathy, and prayers for you and yours.

First of all, I'm sorry you're going through this.

Al-Anon can help you. Because they were so smart when they named it, everyone thinks it's just short for Alcoholics Anonymous, but it's the companion program for the spouses and family members of alcoholics. There's also Adult Children of Alcoholics, which is more directly aimed at what you're going through.

I scattered my father's ashes nearly five years ago, mere months after I broke six years of silence to make my best case for him to get sober. I told him I didn't think he had long and wanted to talk one last time. He laughed it off and said he had at least another thirty years. He was dead less than two months later, and sure enough, it was the last time we talked. I had the knowledge and experience on how it all works and made phone calls and did all the legwork for him, all he had to do was open the fucking book and do what it says. Instead, he opted to fall asleep drunk in the bathtub and drowned at age 69. He was functional, until he wasn't. Such is the way.

Sadly, the truth is that there isn't anything you can actually make her do to get sober, even with power of attorney and managed care. She has to want to. I understand and feel how cold that may sound, and I assure you it isn't meant with a shred of malice, but pure compassion. If you think there's anything at all I can do for you, even if it's just a need to shoot off an email to vent, please don't hesitate. My door is always open.

quote:

Thanks for letting me burden you with my sad situation. You are all my brothers, even if we disagree on things sometimes. This place is where I come for peace and I'm very grateful for Sigforum.

Sometimes life just kicks you in the nuts.
I hope that your dilemma has a good ending but life isn’t a fairytale…it may not be what’s best for you.
All we can do is pray and hope.
My prayers are with you.

My ex was taking meds for depression for many years, near 20. On top of that she got into drinking fairly heavy. I had been with her on doctor appointments. They would tell her she can’t be drinking while taking these particular meds.

Even with that she would drink. That lead to bat-chit crazy behavior. After years & years, I took the off ramp.

Just saying, not easy if your mom has a form of depression, maybe meds, then drinking. It kinda comes down that the only adult we can completely control is ourselves.

Of course do what you can, but keep it short of following her off the cliff.

I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this.

My situation is somewhat similar, as I am conservator of my sister who has cognitive, emotional, and physical disabilities. She is her own worst enemy though, refusing to comply with doctor's orders and alienating everyone trying to help her. She brings everybody down who interacts with her.

I try to keep in mind that she is who she is, and there is no fix or cure for any of her issues. The best we can do is try to arrange for her comfort, with the realization that she will never be happy.

There is no obligation for any of us to sacrifice our own happiness to save someone else from their refusal or inability to participate in their well being.

Sorry to hear. I will be praying for your family. I remember and hold to the Biblical verse, "With man nothing is possible but with God all things are possible", Matthew 19:26.

quote:

Originally posted by P220 Smudge:
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Sadly, the truth is that there isn't anything you can actually make her do to get sober, even with power of attorney and managed care. She has to want to. I understand and feel how cold that may sound, and I assure you it isn't meant with a shred of malice, but pure compassion. If you think there's anything at all I can do for you, even if it's just a need to shoot off an email to vent, please don't hesitate. My door is always open.

Thanks Smudge, the realization that I can't make her want to get better is one of the things that bothers me quite a bit about all of this. Thank for you for the offer and I may take you up on it.

quote:

Originally posted by sourdough44:
...

Of course do what you can, but keep it short of following her off the cliff.

Sound advice brother, and rest assured I am aware of that very real risk.

Thank you all for the kind words and prayers.

I’ve dealt with them in family, and friends. I can tell you only what I have learned from a lot of experience. Unless they want to get better themselves, it’s a losing battle. If they actually want to get better, and keep failing, that can be dealt with via trial and error. But like I said, if they do not want to get better themselves, well I have never seen that be successful.

God be with you and her.

Maybe this will sound trite, but does she have any hobbies? Anything that’s important to her? Can she get outside and get sunshine and fresh air?
It may be possible that the only thing that she’s looking forward to in the day is your visit. Can she be trusted with the granddaughter for a small amount of time? Even 10 minutes on a consistent basis while you’re in the other room, ostensibly giving her a job, while you’re “busy” on a work call or something?

I think that sometimes with depression, having a responsibility can keep things moving forward, give a purpose to existence. Whether it’s answering a daily call, watching a particular show, whatever, patterns or consistency can sometimes help in increments. Having a responsibility gives purpose, and if she was the person you say, losing that job last year must have been a crushing blow, especially if she built her identity on that. Therapy might be something to consider as well, just someone unrelated that she can talk to about her thoughts. It’d give her something to do besides drink, at least.

Keep reminding her how much you love her, how good, how important and valuable she is. Parents do this with their children all the time to help them build confidence and feel secure, but I think we rarely remember that our parents and spouses sometimes need reminding of that as well, especially after they retire and are at loose ends.

In my family, we have a simple weekly dinner with my parents. It’s something I started after my son was born, because I wanted to have a family mealtime (it doesn’t happen at my house nearly as often as I’d like), and have something for my folks to look forward to on a regular basis. I sometimes bring the food, prep, cook and clean up after.
Sometimes my mom will call to plan a meal with me, go to the grocery and shop. Sometimes we order pizza. It’s a thing to look forward to every Sunday and it helps to engage the brain and socialize.
These are just late night thoughts, but I hope they might help in some small way. I’ll be thinking of you, and her.