We will be married 10 years this October and have a 7 year old boy, a 4 year old boy that turns 5 next month and an 20 month old girl. My parents are older as I got married older; both are 77 years old and it's a weird thing that has been building for years now that's finally come to a head.

They both seem to express little interest in our children yet complain regularly that our children don't know them. We go out of our way to try and get together with them, invite them to birthdays and sporting events but they are always "too busy".

At Easter my baby girl was sick so she stayed with her mother and I took my boys to my parents. Toward the end my 7 year old was whining that he "was bored" (he was, there was no other kids there and little to do) and "wanted to go home". Both my parents launched into me and my son (looking back now I realized they would NEVER dare do this with my wife there as she doesn't take shit from anyone) about how I was letting him "manipulate" me and "control" me. We left in a hurry and awkwardly and got home where it turns out that my son was ALSO sick and began throwing up and having diarrhea like the baby had. (Some sort of stomach bug hit us all one by one that week).

When my wife found out she was furious and was going to call them up right then and there but she waited until the next day when we sent them a text message about the treatment we had received and how this was unacceptable and not to happen again and also telling them that their grandchildren WANT to see them, but they are always too "busy".

One thing I have to mention here too is my stepmother owns and runs a pretty big daycare center and has for nearly 20 years now. Lately it seems like it's become an obsession and she spends every waking moment there to the neglect of everything else and everyone else. She thinks "The Lord" has called her to run a "Christian" daycare and that's where her focus should be...working 80 hours a week at 77 years old. I know what REALLY is the deal but have never called her on it; it's not run well because she's not a business oriented person nor a leader and I think they are deeply in debt over it and have mortgaged themselves and their house to the hilt for it. So instead of being retired and getting to have actual leisure time and time to spend visiting and getting to know her grandchildren, she's a slave to to this goddamed place and can't find any help just like everywhere else. The workers are all gone AWOL so she's forced to work there long hours to keep it afloat and to keep from getting fined by the state of PA.

So yesterday we get this 3 page typed letter in the mail from her expecting to see an apology but NOOOOOO...it's this angry and bizarre rant/manifesto about how she's worried about our parenting and our marriage and literally spells it out: "I am too busy with this daycare to be able to see your children". WHAT. THE. FUCK!

Seriously...WHAT THE FUCK??? My poor wife is a total mess today and now worried that she's a bad mother when in fact she kicks ass as a mother. She stays home with the 3 children and homeschools the 7 year old and the soon to be 5 year old will start next year all while keeping a 20 month toddler from getting into everything and drawing on the walls!

I'm flabbergasted and actually think my stepmother is starting to get dementia or some sort of mental illness here at age 77 and it's coming out now. My wife until this point has had a pretty good relationship with my parents but is done now. They will be lucky to EVER see these kids again which is sad as hell to me but how it's probably going to be.

If you think we suck as parents and are "too busy" to want to see our children you can FUCK RIGHT OFF for all I care.

I'm absolutely livid.

I am so sorry for you to have to deal with this. Your Step-mother seems a bit narcistic (wants the kids/everyone to want her, but she's too important to spend the time).

Very similar to my bio-mother, thank goodness my step-mother is nothing like that. My wife and I went no-contact with my bio-mother once our child was old enough to ask why we had to keep visiting her.
Life is much easier for us now, but I do understand that this isn't always an option of everyone. I truly wish you the best with this situation.

Q.- What's the difference between Inlaws and Outlaws.

A. - Outlaws are wanted.

Your situation is not unusual. Some grandparents do not want to be involved, but act like they do because that is socially acceptable.

A friend of mine has a stepmonster who behaves similarly.

I can only ask 'If they didn't have time for you then, why do you give a shit now?'

They only seem to be able to call when they need something. AMFYOYO.

I’m crushed on your behalf. She’s a jackass. I might understand a little if these kids in her daycare had a real need for help, because she should be able to see that your family is well cared and provided for, so maybe she’s putting her energy towards those who more desperately need it.
Otherwise, narrow minded jackass. Tell your wife we all know she’s awesome from what we’ve seen here. I’m certainly aware of it from all the posts you’ve made about your kids.

That's such a tough place to be and I really feel for you and your wife.

I'm very grateful to have an extended family of people who care about me and want to be part of my life despite having no blood relation and it makes it easier to deal with "family" that have decided to punch the "unsubscribe" button on me.

They helped me learn that choices, both to be part of your life or to be distant from yours, are choices that are made by others.

People say that "blood is thicker than water" but forget the original phrase was "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb".

In other words, the people that are in your life by choice and /want/ to be part of your family are those deserving of it more than people to whom you are related by accident of birth.

So please don't feel that your or your wife should carry any responsibility for those choices on your own shoulders or that you have to make your kids feel like they have an obligation to maintain a relationship with grandparents that don't want to have a relationship with them... Instead, keep being awesome parents and focus on people who /want/ to be in your life.

Much love to you guys, big hugs to your wife for being awesome.

Shitty deal for sure. My father was given an ultimatum from his second wife just about the time his first grand daughter was born. "Your old family or your new family". As a result, beyond year one he never saw his only blood grandchildren. His loss. At least I didn't have to deal with the cunt of a wife he had. Before they got married she told me she was a true Parisian girl and liked threesomes. WTF????

In hindsight she saved me from years of having to deal with her.

I'm sorry you're going through that. Early in my marriage my mother constantly tried to tell us how to raise our children. It came to a head and we had it out with her, she backed off and the last 30 years were wonderful. Same happened with
religion, we agreed not to talk religion for the last 20 years.

I feel bad for you and your wife. I learned years ago my mother was not the type of person who should have ever had children or should be allowed near them (therapist confirmed that also) That being said I only let her near my daughter one time over the course of my daughters life and my daughter is 27 now. And that was one time too many.

My current wife (11 years married strong) did meet my mother once, after I warned her that my mother was a ruthless woman who had an army of flying monkeys and was angry about not getting red shoes earlier in like. In shorter terms the trip was just long enough for my mother to insult my wifes heritage and spend a week using just about every racial slur known to man, and telling my wife that her career was "Make believe".

My mother found religion after I was kicked out of the house at age 18 so she could marry her current husband so she has found god but apparently her god doesn't let black people sit in the same pew as her at church because "those people are more confortable with their own kind"

My wife and I agreed after that trip that Alaska is far enough away from Ohio where my mother lives, and honestly my father and his wife really aren't any better, just less racist but they really never cared what I've done either the last 30 years. Once went 13 years without hearing from them and nothing was wrong. When I asked about the time gap they said "We were busy"

Have you considered the possibility that your dad is just as fed up with her BS as you are but he has to tough it out?

There is only one side portrayed here. Granted, it does not sound good. But still one side to a long story. So there is that.

Best advice I can give is to let it go. you cannot change people or how they choose to live. Do what you can do to have some kind of relationship. Sounds like you wife wants the real control in the situation. I am not condemning her, but that seems obvious.
Puts you in a difficult situation for sure.
But there is little you can do imho. Best of luck.

Sorry to hear this. IMO, your wife sounds awesome - definitely a keeper.

Speaking as a grandpa, and the husband of a grandma, I can tell you our situation is completely opposite. I like seeing my grandkids in “small doses”. I say that because they can be exhausting and I just don’t have the energy to keep up with them. On the other hand, the wife absolutely loves them and dotes on them. They are her world and pretty much everything else takes a back seat to her being able to spend time with them.

So, I disagree with your folks. Spending time with little people can be fun and fulfilling - everything is new to them. Plus, I think grandparents play an important role in turning these little people into future adults.

I'm sorry for your situation. But, "You can choose your Friends but not your Relatives"

What's your dad's take in all this? It's a shame to alienate him from his grandkids just because of his wife. Is he willing to stand up to her and/or see the kids separate from her?

I’ve been through something similar/worse.


In the end, I decided that this was actually for the safety and betterment of my children, despite the sadness of it all.

In retrospect, God protected my kids from unwanted damages.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: SIGnified,

At 52 I’ve recently decided I don’t have to love or interact with people just because they are family. I no longer seek them out nor include them in my life. They made that choice. Avoid toxic people, family or not.

quote:

Originally posted by frayedends:
Avoid toxic people, family or not.

So true. Found family is the best family.

I had to cut my father out of my life, right up until his death last fall, and even then, I limited contact to just me and when it was on my terms... twice. He was beyond toxic. For the last decade of his life, everyone he knew, anyone who ever cared about him was just waiting for him to die. I managed to spare my son ever getting hurt or neglected by that sick fuck. Easily one of the best choices I've ever made for myself.

Children do not owe their parents anything but to honor them.

That does not mean abide them, or their wishes of it is born out of selfishness, any more than kindness means smile while people crap on you.

Kindness is an iron hand in a velvet glove.

On the other side of the coin, parents do owe their children. They brought children into the world without the child's permission.

The children did not impose themselves upon the parents against their will.

And especially grandparents should not have their wants met at the cost to the grandchild.

Having had the majority of one's life to choose to live as they see fit, be damned if they should choose that grandchildren should take a backseat, so the grandparent can have yet more enjoyment of life.

What kind of person sees themselves so important to behave that way?

Put your children's needs first. They need all the help they can get in preparing for life, than to carry baggage from people who will unlikely be their when they are dealing with the hardships of life.

Needs do not equal spoiling, or selfish wants.

The optimum approach is to eliminate significant contact with the offending party. "Estrangement" is a word describing when two people become as strangers to one another. But, our responsibility is to care for ourselves and our children. God, spouse, kids...in that order.

I have emotionally suffered for decades with a mother who has become anathema to most everyone. One wants the ideal relationship of reciprocal love between mother and child, but that ideal cannot always be reached.

I choose to be healthy, to limit contact, to listen, to offer help when asked. I rarely visit, and expect to be yelled at, glared at, told what to do and how to do it in excruciating detail, then criticized for failing to follow those directions. I anticipate any suggestions be rebuffed and rejected. I plan to do the tasks on her list, even if these tasks are truly someone else's. I have no expectation of conversations to build relationship, no expectation of her real interest in what life holds for me.

And, yes, I'm going there next month. Three days. It's all I can take. A year.