Growing up, I was never exactly a fan of my dad. It seemed to start out well enough but every year it got worse and worse as if the family he made wasn't good enough. I rarely even called him dad or father after age 11. He was Dan from then on. I escaped the house after graduation but ended up coming back a year or two later as I felt I needed to protect my mom and brothers. The proof came when my brother and I were walking home late at night and heard my mom crying. My brother ran to her yelling "WHAT DID HE DO?!?!" Apparently, he also wasn't a fan of Dan. In that case, my mom had just fallen walking home from work and broke her ankle and wasn't anyone's fault but my brother and I had an understanding after that. We needed to watch out for mom.

Dan was a pretty regular alcoholic and occasional drug user. I never caught him with much more than marijuana once in a while but he did have blood marks on his arms more than once. He drank daily, mostly on the drive back from the plant in Ohio.

When I was transitioning back to my home school the guidance counselor asked Dan and mom to come in with me to discuss classes and wanted Dan to make sure that I got into college. Dan's reply was "he can do what he wants but I'm not paying for it." I went to work directly after graduation instead. As many have experienced, if you don't go to college directly after high school, the chances are you never will. I never did.

When he told my mom he was divorcing her, she came outside crying to tell me. My only response was "Finally," and I went back to mowing the lawn. My mom was a decent woman that wanted the best from us but she grew up being made a narcissist by her mother. Looking back it seemed that she had a good grip on it and had it under control while we were growing up but the divorce brought it back. Unfortunately, she began to rely on me to do everything, especially drive her around as Dan had instilled a fear of driving in her and she never got licensed to drive. She hated when I had a girlfriend and tried to always tell them "secrets" about me to make them leave.

Regardless, Dan moved in with the lady that would become my step-mom. I refused to meet her for a year or so but finally did at Dan's request. She was a nice lady with a daughter in senior high. The daughter was loud, brash and mean from the beginning. I stayed away, only visiting once in a while meeting Dan outside, never going in. The daughter graduated high school and I visited and found out that she was planning for college. Apparently, Dan and her mom was making sure she went to college without debt. I have to admit, that crushed my spirit. I wasn't upset with the daughter as she had no idea about my relationship with my dad before she met him. I just felt like the least important person on the planet at the time. Let alone that after graduation she got a cushy job with lots of guarantees but quit because she married into money and not only did I not get to go to college, she did and wasted the opportunities that I wasn't afforded. Then she had 3 kids and at the birth announcements I'd tell my son "welcome to (her kid number plus one) place, bud".

Then when Dan was sick at the end of his life, I was there. They would call me at all hours of the night to come help get him off the floor if he fell or help hook up his oxygen or fix his TV. I was there and he did finally appreciate me and I did so much. Then I found out he gave the house to his step-daughter when he died. Again, how unimportant can a guy feel? It's not that I thought I deserved the property, it's just how it's always been. I felt like I'm somehow a disappointment.

Then when Dan died, I did my duty as a son. I met with all the people hugging my step-sister and asking me "and who are you?" I'd say I'm Dan's son and they'd look at me so confused. If I hadn't been so sad it would have pissed me off.

Don't get me wrong about anything, I care for my step-mom, she's often better to me than my own mom and she calls just to talk. My mom calls if she needs something.

Now recently, my aunt died. My mom's sister and my dad's sister-in-law as my dad's brother married my mom's sister. I found out through my mom that her sister died, so I called step-mom to tell her. She said, "Yeah, your cousin called my daughter to let her know." My own cousin called my step-sister but she sure didn't call me. Seriously?! It's like every part of my family has replaced me with my more important to them step-sister. I just want to let out a long string of curses and swears.

I mean, I kind of get it, I have nothing to offer anyone and she's part of a wealthy family. You know those conspiracy theories where the illuminati runs the world and leaves the little people to suffer in life away from them? My family is that in microcosm.

I'm really sorry to lay this all out on you, my friends. However, it's been building up over the years and I thought I had a good handle on my emotions about it but the cousin calling the step-sister with the news of her mom's death just brought it all rushing back. I’m sure this probably reads like a bunch of random words but it feels better to talk about it.

Thanks for listening.

A short note, at work, you have my sympathy sir. Family can be difficult. My own mother has been unmaternal from time to time. It is frustrating.

All of us bury things in our unconscious. This happens all the time, particularly if the incident was traumatic.

My parents were infinitely worse so I divorced both of them. One is in the ground, don’t know where the other one is but some attorney keeps calling (I know it’s debt related by default). You have to look out for yourself. If a family member is continually, habitually, predatory, for one reason or another, kick them to the curb. I’ve seen what good family is through other people and wondered the same thing..what did I do wrong? The answer is nothing. Shit people are just shit people. And narcissists will prey upon you if you let them so don’t. You’ve done far more than I would have. I’d take a bullet for my people that I care about. I’m fiercely loyal. I demand the same. If the respect isn’t reciprocal, man you have shit to do for yourself.

quote:

Originally posted by mr kablammo:
A short note, at work, you have my sympathy sir. Family can be difficult. My own mother has been unmaternal from time to time. It is frustrating.

Thanks. It's extra frustrating since I was sure I was over the whole thing.

quote:

Originally posted by ZSMICHAEL:
All of us bury things in our unconscious. This happens all the time, particularly if the incident was traumatic.

I thought I buried it because it was dead. Not so much I guess.

quote:

Originally posted by Prefontaine:
My parents were infinitely worse so I divorced both of them. One is in the ground, don’t know where the other one is but some attorney keeps calling (I know it’s debt related by default). You have to look out for yourself. If a family member is continually, habitually, predatory, for one reason or another, kick them to the curb. I’ve seen what good family is through other people and wondered the same thing..what did I do wrong? The answer is nothing. Shit people are just shit people. And narcissists will prey upon you if you let them so don’t. You’ve done far more than I would have. I’d take a bullet for my people that I care about. I’m fiercely loyal. I demand the same. If the respect isn’t reciprocal, man you have shit to do for yourself.

Thanks, man. I used to be fiercely loyal until the guy I considered my best friend just suddenly cut me off. I found out later it's because he took something of mine and chose the thing over me. I'm just not sure if he cut me off to wait out the statute of limitation or if he was actually feeling guilty. I'm going to assume the former. I do have a new best friend and I am able to trust him and we share a common broken bond with the ex-best friend.

I really appreciate you all reading and letting me vent. I'm going to try to not let any of this bother me anymore.

Just remember, woooosah! woooosah!



I get it, we all have those family members, some not as bad, others worse, you did what you had to, and you can't change who others are and how they act. You just do you....

Nice vent, glad it helped to get it off your chest, now, wooooosah!

quote:

Originally posted by HRK:
Just remember, woooosah! woooosah!



I get it, we all have those family members, some not as bad, others worse, you did what you had to, and you can't change who others are and how they act. You just do you....

Nice vent, glad it helped to get it off your chest, now, wooooosah!

Yeah, I’m good after typing all that.

My wife’s half brother was the executor of his grandmother’s estate. Somehow, before he could discharge her final debts, his mother emptied the bank account and left him personally liable for it all.

No one can screw you over as hard as family. Realize you’re better than the trash that keeps dragging you down. Cut the toxic people that drag you down out of your life and cruise on.

Just to be clear, I have no ill will toward my step-sister. She’s become kind towards me. However, my blood family can take a big long walk on a really short pier. My dad did try to make amends and I accepted it. I guess I just feel like a nobody to most of the people that should care for me.

quote:

Originally posted by mark123:
Yeah, I’m good after typing all that.

[old guy moment] It's true. Often a good writing (or typing) session to air thing out is truly good therapy. I've done it many times. In my case, it was write it, review it, burn it, move on. [/old guy moment]

All good wishes to you, sir.

Family drama is hard. When my dad died I had something similar. Hopefully venting has helped some.

What you feel is valid and I can't fault your for feeling the way you do.

I'm in Prefontaine's category, my parents were far worse than that. I decided the best therapy was to find a good woman, marry, and make my own family that has no drama.I divorced them, save for two brothers who followed in my footsteps. Recently, my sister TEXTED me that my mother was dead, and my father died several years ago. I felt nothing for either except anger.

My wife's family had similar issues. Her dad's third wife let us know her father was dead by posting on Facebook, 10 days after his death. A week later she called and asked my wife to inform the rest of the family members. What a pair of douches!

Life is good now, and I work very hard to keep it that way.

quote:

Originally posted by Fredward:
Life is good now, and I work very hard to keep it that way.

Yeah, I’ve got to admit that my life is pretty good now. Wife treats me like a king.

We were invited to a party celebrating my Aunt’s life. I cared about her but I’m not certain i really want to go.

Sorry for all you’ve had to endure, Mark. Hope you’re able to drive on.

I am also sorry to hear about all you've had to endure. But I admire that through it all you've remained a good man. Myself, and many here I'm sure have no problem with you laying it all out in your post. We support you, and some of us have had similar experiences. I could write volumes on my own mother, who certainly had her faults. Hang in there, my friend.

Twice a year we have a " cousins lunch"
( Because all 12 of the Aunts and uncles are dead)

11 of us
Will show up out of 29.

Of the six families represented ,
Every single one has at least one person that no one mentions.

Makes me wonder what " normal" is.

When speaking of family.

quote:

Originally posted by bendable:
… Makes me wonder what " normal" is.

When speaking of family.

Yeah, I sure don’t know. Whatever normal is I’d probably find it boring.

quote:

No one can screw you over as hard as family.

Indeed. Two weeks after I graduated from high school, I was in the US Army.

"There's no such thing as a non-dysfunctional family."

Mark, for what it's worth we have all valued your participation here for years.
I'm glad you were able to vent with us, hard as it must have been to get started.

Stan