I am finding - rather late in life - that having a comma in my bank balance and no debt is a better feeling than having "stuff."

Be content and worry about yourself are both true. Part of what you said is the ability of other people to do things you cannot afford to do frustrates you. The fact is there’s always going to be people who do things you can’t do or choose not to do. Blinders will not change that.

However, this part bugs me:

quote:

They give me "advice" on how to be like "them." This kind of stuff really grinds my gears.

That would grind my gears as well. Have you tried talking to them? They will either understand or not. If not and the “they" are "friends”, then new friends are in order. If not and the “they” are family, well I have an 84 year old father that still tells me what he thinks I should do. Point being, your going to have to get used to that.

At the pediatrician’s office, I see these young people with newborns and I’m there with my 17 year old who isn’t 7lbs 4oz anymore. I can’t help but think these parents don’t have a clue and then I wonder how in the world I made it to this point. I didn’t get here alone.

Hebrews 13:5 (NKJV) “Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.””

1 Timothy 6:6–8 (NKJV) “Now godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. And having food and clothing, with these we shall be content.”

No. You do not need new friends.

My wife and I are in our mid-40's and are now in the upper middle class having worked our way here together.

Over the years we've run the gamut of different friend groups, from the trailer park kids we hung out with in HS to the owners and investors of companies we've worked for.

I have found that treating people how you would like to be treated yourself and getting a similar response back is a good indicator of mutual respect and shared interests.

For the multi-millionaires we've hung out with, we don't join them in Bermuda on vacation, but we've done dinner and seen events that are within our abilities and had a blast. They have offered to have us join them on trips, and respected our reasons for declining without looking down on us.

That's the same way we act with our friends that haven't had the same abilities/opportunities to advance the way we did. We share our mutual interests in a way that is comfortable for both of us, and never envy/disrespect the other for the different circumstances.

Some relationships we've left behind because that basic respect wasn't possible for them. Some of those people I do miss on occasion, but overall we are all better off having parted ways.

This is just my experience with the subject, every person and situation will be different. But over time, you'll see it isn't the money that determines the friendship, but the people involved.

Don’t let the gremlins in your head run free. My wife and I have a very small circle of friends. Our combined salary puts us at the top of the economic metric in that circle but you’d never know it. I remember well what it was like to be broke though. Whether it’s a couple beers at a local brewery, a cigar at the lounge or some tacos/wings in town, I don’t invite people that I know are struggling unless I’m willing to pay. If the subject comes up, I just tell them they might be in the position to help someone in the future and that’s all I want for “payback.” People that flaunt wealth do it from a place of insecurity IMO. It’s pathetic and if you starve them of any attention it kills them.

quote:

Originally posted by cuttndry:
It's sometimes just frustrating being the only person in our groups who says things like "no, we can't go on a summer cruise" or "no, we can't go to expensive restaurants every weekend."

If they don't understand, they just are not your friends.

From the post, it seems that you are 23 now. You are just a lot more wise than your friends. Things will come in time. You have your priorities correct.

There is a big difference between a true friend and an acquaintance. I would say your "friends" are more acquaintances.

Let me agree with the rest of the SF braintrust. You are just starting out and it appears that you have your priorities in line.

One thing that hasn’t been brought up yet is that even though your “friends” look like they’re well off they may in fact be in debt up to their eyeballs but just not mention that little point. In Texas when I was just starting out there was a saying “All hat and no cattle”

Live your life as you see fit and don’t worry about the Jones’s…

Giving the well off stuff is frustrating, they can afford anything and everything.


The few people that I know really well, that are "set".

They really don't care too much for people giving them stuff.
Makes'em uneasy.


Not even a lunch.

Cuttndry,

You do you and your family. And that is your only worry!

Like you, I didn’t grow up with many luxuries, as mother was raising two boys on minimal income. I didn’t get ANY handouts in life and had to achieve everything…E-VER-Y-THING…on my own blood, sweat, and tears, man. Oh yeah…and my own money. And I am DAMNED proud of that.

Know what I got from my dad when he passed away? Nothing, as he had nothing. Know what I’ll get from my mom when she passes away? Nothing, as she has nothing.

When grandmother passed away, mother took all her money and paid off her mobile home and CC balances, if she had any. At the time, I was a struggling flight instructor making $12/hour. You think my mom asked if I needed any assitance? NOPE! Made me even MORE determined!! I’m actually not bitter about it, because I didn’t expect anything otherwise…just a fact of life.

But you know what? I’m a better man for it now and know that I don’t need ANYONE or ANYTHING to be successful!! When mother passes, her “estate” will probably yield less than $30k…she just has her mobile home that we’ll sell. I don’t need a damn thing in life now, so my plan is to donate my half (and hopefully all) to St. Jude in memory of my mother because that’s one of the charities she donated to. Already donated her car to Wounded Warrior Project, to whom she also donated.

I say all this and reveal part of my soul to tell you the road to success isn’t easy. But it’s 1000 times harder if you’re trying to mirror other’s success as YOUR success and reality.

God, family, work. Happy, well-fed, and healthy…that’s how to live life. You build a solid foundation with your wonderful bride and ALWAYS remember……”The greatest of these is love”.

quote:

Originally posted by cuttndry:
I'll go back to the quoted post: There is plenty of time for my group of friends to change. In the mean time, it seems I have to choose to put on blinders and not let their lifestyle choices bother me.

I feel honored that you chose my post to quote; I do hope my "offerings of advice" are useful to you.

Your statement above is solid, I believe. I'll add, though, don't let the blinders keep you away from friendship with the people you describe. You're right, though, to let those blinders keep you focused on your own path.

I'll add to it a little bit of advice from my mom: "If you have one or even two friends you can call on, at any time of the day or night, and you can know they'll be there for you ... then you're truly blessed." I've got (and had) a lot of friends, from all over the economic scale. But the true blessing in it is that I have a few that I KNOW can count on at any time, for any thing. None of us cares about the others' economic status. We can get together at any of our houses for a simple meal and a beer or two, and nothing else matters in the world but our time together.

I've hung out with a millionaire, both at his home and at a high-end resort (he dated one of my super-close friends). In either scene, he was nothing but courteous and down-to-earth, despite the huge difference in his situation and mine. We sat at the high-dollar gambling table (he played, I could only watch), we cut and stacked firewood at his place. That's the kind of "rich guy" who can be a friend. If he had ever looked down his nose at me or my friend, he'd never have "made the cut" getting into our circle to begin with.

Back to your question: do you need to find new friends? I'll say no, because it seems you have a good handle on your own situation. We don't go out looking for friends -- we can't shop for them -- our friendships develop somewhat organically, based on shared interests and values. Maintain your path and remain kind to others; friendships will find you.



- - - -
Edited to resolve a formatting error.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: vthoky,

If I may add…your post made me think of this scene from “City Slickers”. When I think of my life, this scene makes the screen blurry. Maybe it’s time for movie night with your lovely Mrs.? Enjoy…



ETA: embedded the video.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: erj_pilot,

As I said a couple days ago: So much awesome information here. Really appreciate all who took the time to respond and give your opinions and advice on the situation. My wife and are are blessed to be where we're at, and I think the best thing is just to keep on the path we're on, continue to pursue Christ and our family/financial goals without letting others get us down.

Mom always used to say, "sometimes you have to choose whether or not to let something bother you." I'm finding out, as I have with lots of other things Mom used to say, that she's been right this whole time.

quote:

Originally posted by SpinZone:
Our circle of friends are spread aross a VERY broad economic range. We are not near the top.

It works because it is about like minded people and not things. We have as good of a time in the backyard overlooking the marsh in the gated community as we do having beef and brats in the middle class neighborhood garage.

If your friends are more concerned about what you can have instead of who you are, then yes, you need different friends.

Same here. Everyone gets along over many topics and to me it would be weird talking about finances so much. I guarantee that I don’t have a single friend that knows we have zero loans including our home. It’s just not important to any of our friendships.


There were friends in the friend group that would make snide remarks from time to time about a couple or two that weren’t there. It always came across as jealousy to me and that’s the big difference. No one brags about their homes or vacations but just because someone goes somewhere cool or they went to a restaurant they enjoyed and talk about it it doesn’t mean they are shallow, keeping up with the Jones’s, in debt up to their eyeballs or mom and dad gave them a bunch of money. I’m happy where we are in life and if one of my friends tells me about something I can’t or don’t have as a priority I’m happy for them and will listen with interest.

I think you have to be honest with yourself and make sure it’s not about your own inadequacies and not about someone bragging all the time, who does that? They would have been dropped from our friend group a long time ago if that was actually the case.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: 1s1k,

A rich life is not measured in dollars. I was born to blue collar parents, we climbed. I set out on my own and flourished, then fell flat on my ass in a divorce. Eventually recovered very nicely. The point is, live your own life, don't feel compelled to keep up. Let them go.

cuttndry

I commend you!
It took me until my 40s to get on that track and it has paid off for me.
People that were still living the high life style then are feeling the pinch in retirement. I however am comfortable at 72 with no fears of things getting bad for me.

Do your own thing, you will be happy in the long run.

I think alot of wealthy people want to pay it forward and impart knowledge to friends. Research shows that people who hang out with rich people become rich. Learning mentoring etc.

They give me "advice" on how to be like "them." This kind of stuff really grinds my gears.

They however are not responsible for their success. Sound like trust fund babies. I cut ties with a co-worker that would slam people for not living within their means. When he was lucky enough to get a train engineer job for 6 figures. He struggled along with everybody else before that!!!!

quote:

Originally posted by cuttndry:
Do I need to find different friend groups?

Yes.

Find like-minded folks who share your values.

Plus, one or more of these now-wealthy faux friends will inevitably run into trouble and lose that wealth. If they're obnoxious now, think how insufferable they'll be then!

Never waste your time counting other peoples money.

Unless you're an accountant.

quote:

Originally posted by Sigforall:
Never waste your time counting other peoples money.

Unless you're an accountant.

^^^^^
THIS.

You do you and don't worry what others are doing. When I was 23 many of my friends were pulling their new wakeboard boats behind their new truck and I was stressing about the 20 bucks I needed to chip in for gas. I compared myself to them for years and felt like I was doing something wrong in life. I eventually got past it and now just really don't care how other people live their lives. I just care if my friends are good people and the people I hang out with, regardless of how they aquired their stuff, are good people.

Its natural to compare yourself to others, but not wise. Don't let other people's priorites dictate yours.