I grew up in a decidedly middle-class to lower middle-class household. I didn't have it bad but didn't have it great either. I grew up learning just how important it is to live without debt and how to fix your home/live with frugality in mind. I got married at 22 and now, at 23, God has blessed my wife and I with health and plenty, and we have been working on paying off student loans and advancing in our careers.

However, many of the people in my life, whether friends or family, are decidedly wealthy. Many of the people I know in my same age group have their college/cars/homes all paid off from their parents. As such, they frequently travel and make large purchases which are outside of the practical realm for our family, and that often frustrates me. They give me "advice" on how to be like "them." This kind of stuff really grinds my gears.

I realize that sometimes you have to choose to be happy with what you have. Jealousy and covetousness can eat you alive. It's sometimes just frustrating being the only person in our groups who says things like "no, we can't go on a summer cruise" or "no, we can't go to expensive restaurants every weekend." Like I said, I'm very happy with my life and very blessed. However, I can't help but wonder: Do I need different friends?

What say you, SIGforum? Is this a me problem? Do I need to find different friend groups?

quote:

Originally posted by cuttndry:

Do I need to find different friend groups?

Sounds to me, like you have your priorities straight. Yeah, you might need to add some different friends, but at your young age, it might not be easy to find too many with your values. Of course, you do have a bunch if invisible friends here, some of whom do share your values.

Live your life man, take care of what's important. You don't need to keep up with the Joneses

You don't need to give reasons why you can't attend something. Hang out with them when you can, if you find they exclude you from the cool kids club, Fuck em

Plenty of people your age with student loans and mortgages. Add to your circle of friends. Don’t be frustrated every time there’s a get together.

Yes, you need different friends. Chunk them. The Joneses, marketing, worrying about whatever everyone else is doing is fools play. You have to train your mind to shut off all the bs in the world and it’s loud AF.

I'm 100% with BigSwede here!

Find folks your age who aren't so shallow and enjoy their friendship.

Those people aren’t your friends. Let nature take its course with new friends.

They have yet to experience hardship. Most of us will in life and when they do, they wont be able to deal with it like you.

Different "Friends"- Where's the Poll?

Maybe they're not really friends after all.

quote:

...Do I need different friends?

Get some blue collar friends. They are more fun. The truly wealthy do not flaunt their wealth or connections.

quote:

I got married at 22 and now, at 23, God has blessed my wife and I with health and plenty, and we have been working on paying off student loans and advancing in our careers.

However, many of the people in my life, whether friends or family, are decidedly wealthy. Many of the people I know in my same age group have their college/cars/homes all paid off from their parents. As such, they frequently travel and make large purchases which are outside of the practical realm for our family, and that often frustrates me. They give me "advice" on how to be like "them." This kind of stuff really grinds my gears.

I realize that sometimes you have to choose to be happy with what you have. Jealousy and covetousness can eat you alive. It's sometimes just frustrating being the only person in our groups who says things like "no, we can't go on a summer cruise" or "no, we can't go to expensive restaurants every weekend." Like I said, I'm very happy with my life and very blessed. However, I can't help but wonder: Do I need different friends?

What say you, SIGforum? Is this a me problem? Do I need to find different friend groups?

You're only 23. You're just starting out life as an adult. But, you and your wife are heading in the right direction with health and career, it appears. You say you're "very happy with my life and very blessed". So, why are you letting these other nonsense eat at you? So, it's a "you" problem, imo. Snobs have existed forever, and there will always be snobs. You have 2 choices. Stay with the snobs and not let their behaviour bug you. Or, find new non-snob friends and stay away from snob family members. Staying with them and continue to let their behavior bug you is not healthy.

Our circle of friends are spread aross a VERY broad economic range. We are not near the top.

It works because it is about like minded people and not things. We have as good of a time in the backyard overlooking the marsh in the gated community as we do having beef and brats in the middle class neighborhood garage.

If your friends are more concerned about what you can have instead of who you are, then yes, you need different friends.

If they can't pick up on the issue and actually change their behavior, then they care more about themselves than having you guys as friends.

Fuck 'em.

At 23, I'm impressed at how you are handling yourself mentally/financially. Nice work.

quote:

Originally posted by V-Tail:
Sounds to me, like you have your priorities straight. Yeah, you might need to add some different friends, but at your young age, it might not be easy to find too many with your values. Of course, you do have a bunch if invisible friends here, some of whom do share your values.

I'll agree with Mr. V-Tail here, and add this: at your age, you've got plenty of time ahead for your friend group to change. And it will, based on other events in your lives -- kid events, job changes, development of new hobbies, and so forth. There's no need to force that change; it'll happen.

In the great words of one of my best friends: "Maintain your path." You clearly know who you are and what's important to you. Keep with that. Your true friends won't care the first thing about your economic status, but about you and your family and who you [collectively] are. That'll help define friends versus good acquaintances.

Your current signature line sums it up pretty well, you know.

Welcome, and good luck.

I know people who live as if they are wealthy, but the truth is their lifestyle is fueled by massive debt. Yes they buy new houses every 5 to 7 years, drive new cars and take lavish vacations, but it doesn't mean they have money.

Lots of great advice in this thread. I'm 38 now, but I remember my life at 23, and my wife and I were in exactly the same place that you are. We continued to live within our means and not let social pressure make our decisions for us...15 years later we now have a paid off house, paid off vehicles, no other debt, 4 kids, and the freedom to do what we want.

We still aren't rich, and never will be. Our cars are old and our house is modest. But not having to worry about being beholden to anyone provides a peace and freedom that I wouldn't trade for any amount of stuff. Like others have said...friends will change. Life changes (job, kids, moves, etc.) will guarantee that. As that happens, seek out people who share your values.

When envy starts to creep in, remember...just because somebody has a bunch of stuff doesn't mean they own it. If they're up to their eyeballs in debt to have it, it owns them. Life is also a balance...if you're working so much that you never see your wife or kids, what's the point of that paycheck?

Keep at it...you're on the right track!

Rule of Life (I forget what number)...
"Never let anyone live rent free in your head."

I’m curious: are they aholes about it? Do they rub it in your faces, or just extend the invite? I think it’s pretty obvious what to do if it’s the first, but if it’s the latter, then it’s kind of on you and your comfort level in where you’re at.

How did you come across these friends in the first place?

I have a few fairly wealthy friends, and I make no bones about the fact that I live in a small house by choice - but I do like to travel. Sometimes that can be perceived as being rich when really that’s not the case.
We are comfortable. I have had to walk away from a few of the wealthy friends over time, but I still have a few that “get” that I’m not going to try and keep up, and I’m not going to be particularly jealous of amazing things they’ve done/seen/eaten etc. Those wealthy folks that “get” me happen to be folks that worked from the ground up, and didn’t inherit. I’m happy for them, and they are fun to hang out with.

It sounds like you and your wife are on the right track and I’m sure with hobbies and employment that you will find more friends within your budget/style of living.

I’d simply add to your friend group without dumping the current ones unless they’re jerks about the wealth and your lack of it. The more the merrier, right?
Welcome, btw!

Be content with what you have and don't fall into the keep up with the Jones's trap. For all you know your friends could have mountains of debt created by eating out at expensive restaurants frequently and going on trips and debt is a bad thing especially when you're buried in it. Participate in activities with your friends that meet your budget and pass on everything else. In a nutshell just live within your means and you'll be happy, live above your means and eventually you'll have regrets.

quote:

Originally posted by vthoky:

quote:

Originally posted by V-Tail:
Sounds to me, like you have your priorities straight. Yeah, you might need to add some different friends, but at your young age, it might not be easy to find too many with your values. Of course, you do have a bunch if invisible friends here, some of whom do share your values.

I'll agree with Mr. V-Tail here, and add this: at your age, you've got plenty of time ahead for your friend group to change. And it will, based on other events in your lives -- kid events, job changes, development of new hobbies, and so forth. There's no need to force that change; it'll happen.

In the great words of one of my best friends: "Maintain your path." You clearly know who you are and what's important to you. Keep with that. Your true friends won't care the first thing about your economic status, but about you and your family and who you [collectively] are. That'll help define friends versus good acquaintances.

Your current signature line sums it up pretty well, you know.

Welcome, and good luck.

Thank you all for your kind words and responses. I greatly appreciate the wisdom and thoughts regarding the situation. I quoted the above just because it really struck me: Be kind to the people you know but life changes will separate who truly cares from who doesn't.

Most of these rich folks are good people who aren't necessarily trying to rub anything in my face or posture themselves as superior, they just aren't willing to "downgrade" their lifestyle to make time to hang with us. My wife and I suggest a "double date," and they're not interested unless we make it some kind of weekend trip out-of-state.

I completely agree with what has been said about debt: Better to live with a little that you own than a lot that owns you. I also understand that I can't fault a parent for wanting to provide for their kids. However, giving a kid home, cars, wedding, trips, and college all debt-free can sometimes make a kid feel entitled to the best of everything, and I do unfortunately see that in the people I hang with.

I'll go back to the quoted post: There is plenty of time for my group of friends to change. In the mean time, it seems I have to choose to put on blinders and not let their lifestyle choices bother me.