quote:

Originally posted by ScreamingCockatoo:
An alcoholic will see intervention as being controlling to defend their need to stay drunk.
So if he tries to get her help I can almost wager she'll accuse him of being controlling and "abusive".

Live with an alcoholic and try it out.

She does not go so far as to consider him abusive, but I hear the word 'controlling' often.

Shit situation.

quote:

Originally posted by ScreamingCockatoo:
An alcoholic will see intervention as being controlling to defend their need to stay drunk.
So if he tries to get her help I can almost wager she'll accuse him of being controlling and "abusive".

Live with an alcoholic and try it out.

I was wondering the same thing. Thanks for the explanation.


Ronin, Good luck brother. I hope you can help her get her stuff together.

quote:

Originally posted by ScreamingCockatoo:
An alcoholic will see intervention as being controlling to defend their need to stay drunk.

Okay, now I understand better. Thank you.

quote:

Originally posted by Gustofer:

quote:

Originally posted by Ronin1069:
...her 8 year old asked daddy where the van was....he told the boy, “mommy drank too much and got arrested and they took our van”.

Yeah...that's a great thing to lay on an 8-year-old.

The husband sounds like a real gem.

Everybody fucks up. Some get caught, some don't. There's very few of us here who haven't, at some point, driven while over the limit, so there won't be any stones thrown from this direction. If it happens again, however, ....

Tell her to get a good lawyer and she may be able to get it reduced to a reckless driving. It'll cost her though.

That is exactly what I would have said because that is EXACTLY what happened.

I have Never driven ever over the limit I can promise you that and I promise you that I never will. Granted I quit drinking many years ago.

There is ZERO excuse for driving under the influence. ZERO.

If I was the father I'd be pulling the eject handle right about now.

quote:

Originally posted by Ronin1069:

quote:

Originally posted by ScreamingCockatoo:
An alcoholic will see intervention as being controlling to defend their need to stay drunk.
So if he tries to get her help I can almost wager she'll accuse him of being controlling and "abusive".

Live with an alcoholic and try it out.

She does not go so far as to consider him abusive, but I hear the word 'controlling' often.

Shit situation.

My sister is getting divorced from a husband that was a regular drinker that the drinking then really went off of the rails in the past 2 years. She really didn't lead on to how bad his drinking was with any of her family until she finally kicked him out of the house and filed for divorce.

My father was an alcoholic. Most alcoholics always shift blame to everyone else, because they can't admit they have a problem. There were some REALLY tough situations because of his drinking as a child. You never knew what his personality was, usually good, sometimes verbally abusive, sometimes very angry, drove me around drunk at times (in the 80's this was less frowned upon but not right). My mom divorced my father when I was 5, I still spent a lot of time with him, but could go home when he got too drunk. I have never ever seen my mom drunk, never seen her drink more than 2 drinks in a day, and rarely saw her drink, she balanced out the situation and saw a clear perspective to how normal life should be growing up as a child. I REALLY have grown to hate parents that choose drugs or alcohol over their kids. As a parent one should strive to be the best parent one can be.


Being married to an alcoholic when young kids are involved is really tough and really aggravating at the same time. If your sister didn't have a problem with alcoholic, your sister would drink less or less often when her husband explained that it's a problem to him, not make excuses or try to justify it or say that her husband is controlling.


Honestly, you need to go to lunch with the husband alone (unbeknownst to your sister). Ask him, what, how often, and how much your sister drinks. He sounds like he's at the end of his rope with your sister, and for good reason. I could never live with an alcoholic after seeing it first hand growing up. But you need to get the other side of the story, not just her version. Then figure out what to do. The fact that you said the husband has been concerned with her drinking for some time, says that this has been an ongoing problem for some time that is just getting worse.

Getting a DWI does not mean she is an alcoholic. It isn't a good sign but it isn't proof positive as either.

My mom was an alcoholic and left us when I was around 11. My dad encouraged her to go which had a lot to do with her leaving and I think he made the right choice. It went poorly for her and she spiraled further out of control for several years until she ended up in the hospital when I was 22. She got lucky and was at a small hospital and the staff recognized that she was in trouble. The staff talked to me and my brother and with our permission they detoxed her there while giving her other reasons why they were keeping her so long.

She has been sober for almost 20 years now and has worked very hard to repair her relationship with me and my brother and our kids. In the end it was the best thing for all of us that my dad pushed her out, but it was a long hard road to this point.

I wish you the best and really don't have much in the way of advice other than sometimes cutting ties is the best option. It was hard not having mom around sometimes but it was a lot harder when she was. I often felt like she didn't love me as a kid because she never seemed to know anything about me. Like I would open my lunch and she would have packed a PB&J sandwich for me. I hated PB&J. I felt like I wasn't even worth her time because of shit like that. Once I found out she was an alcoholic those things made more sense and I realized it wasn't that she didn't love me but that she was sick. It still hurt at 11 but it hurt a lot less than thinking she just didn't care at all.

Yep, making excuses or blaming the husband for her mistakes is bs. Should the dad lie and say the bad policeman stole their car?

Granted it is a fine line at times but if my wife was a drunk I would be "controlling" as well. She needs help and he needs to start figuring out plan B.

I've told the story many times about my wife nearly being killed by a drunk driver .I have zero sympathy for anyone that selfish and stupid . I don't care what her home life was like , there is no justification .
" Controlling " ………...whatever .

Interlocks just put into her cars.
Has to ‘blow’ every 15-20 minutes....as does anyone who drives the cars...otherwise she gets a a ‘failed test’...which costs money and time.

Reality is setting in.

The county has a great program for drunks. Its called time. A week or two does not change a drunk. Much like a drug user, until they kill multiple people, they dont change. And generally only when its a kid do they change.


Now, Im not saying your sister wants to kill a kid, but I mean, she didnt care not to either. It may seem harsh, but pointing out to her from her own behavior, if it had a worse result, she doesnt have much right to cry if it happened to her family.

Dont enable. Get her help before some ones kid is killed. Dont believe me, ill ask an inmate i know how it felt to kill a unborn child and made sure that woman couldnt have kids. Thats when he figured out he needed to stop. That and his prison sentence.

She's got a court date on Thursday. She wants to plead guilty, take her fine, and be done with it.

Her Lawyer is trying to convince her to plead 'not guilty' so they can get copies of the dash-video and look for technical errors.

I don't know....yes you are supposed to listen to your lawyer, but she wants to show her kids that she is taking responsibility for this.

It is difficult for me to believe that this is not pretty cut-and-dried and that her lawyer is trying to milk whatever additional fees he can out of her.

This kind of stuff should hurt in multiple ways.

For every time a DUI is caught, they likely drove impaired tens or hundreds of times and wasn't caught.

Good on her for wanting to take her lumps. It ain't much, but it's something.

It's her life, but if I were in her position, I'd be listening to the attorney.

quote:

It's her life, but if I were in her position, I'd be listening to the attorney.

Yes. The implications of a DUI are significant. It is perfectly acceptable to get treatment for your addiction and MINIMIZE the financial and legal ramifications. You might need the extra money for a good treatment program.

quote:

Originally posted by ZSMICHAEL:

quote:

It's her life, but if I were in her position, I'd be listening to the attorney.

Yes. The implications of a DUI are significant. It is perfectly acceptable to get treatment for your addiction and MINIMIZE the financial and legal ramifications. You might need the extra money for a good treatment program.

Agreed. Martyrdom isn't going to help her, her kids or her recovery any more than her own commitment and she needs to have the best options available if she does change her life around. If she doesn't, well, then this extra effort will have no effect.

quote:

Originally posted by MikeGLI:
It's her life, but if I were in her position, I'd be listening to the attorney.

Last year I was Foreman of a jury in a DUI case. I'm sure the guy's lawyer told him the same thing, look for a loophole, and yes, we saw several problems with the testimony, but the cops took video of the stop, and we convicted the SOB.

There's a chance the lawyer is looking to increase billable hours.

quote:

Originally posted by Ronin1069:
She's got a court date on Thursday. She wants to plead guilty, take her fine, and be done with it.

Her Lawyer is trying to convince her to plead 'not guilty' so they can get copies of the dash-video and look for technical errors.

I don't know....yes you are supposed to listen to your lawyer, but she wants to show her kids that she is taking responsibility for this.

It is difficult for me to believe that this is not pretty cut-and-dried and that her lawyer is trying to milk whatever additional fees he can out of her.

I would say 99%+ plead not guilty here, get their discovery materials, and then plead later. On the one hand, I guess there's merit to doing your diligence and knowing that everything was done right, but statistically, you don't have a prayer. Again, that's where I work, so her mileage may vary.

quote:

Originally posted by Ronin1069:
She's got a court date on Thursday. She wants to plead guilty, take her fine, and be done with it.

Her Lawyer is trying to convince her to plead 'not guilty' so they can get copies of the dash-video and look for technical errors.

I don't know....yes you are supposed to listen to your lawyer, but she wants to show her kids that she is taking responsibility for this.

It is difficult for me to believe that this is not pretty cut-and-dried and that her lawyer is trying to milk whatever additional fees he can out of her.

I don't know what the attorney is doing for fees, I charge a flat fee for DUI cases, so that COULD be something. But if this is her arraignment, which is what this hearing sounds like, Not Guilty is the standard plea at this stage of the proceeding. It doesn't mean that you think you are not guilty of the crime, its just a procedural device to allow the attorney and client to prepare and investigate the case. And the final outcome is something that should be negotiated between the prosecutor and the defense attorney after looking at all factors, mitigating and not, before, during and after the event, to determine the end crime and punishment. It allows her to enter and get well along with treatment before the final plea and sentencing. It allows her to prepare for the costs and conditions that would follow a sentencing. There's nothing wrong with that.
That's how the system works, at least here in Washington State. What they do where she lives could be different, but I doubt its very different.

Loswsmith,

Thank you very much!