Sister just called, got a DWI on Friday. Her husband has been concerned about her drinking for some time, he’s had it. Today she callled me in tears, her 8 year old asked daddy where the van was....he told the boy, “mommy drank too much and got arrested and they took our van”.

Daddy. Is. Pissed.

Sister is devastated.

Life is hard.


I sit here the frustrated brother. Not much I can do, but my sister is one of my best friends. Hate seeing this.

Hopefully it’s the wake up call she needs and the one she heeds.

She brought it on herself and there is nothing you can do unless she wants to change. What you know about her drinking, is probably only the half of it. Hopefully this is enough to wake her up.

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Her husband has been concerned about her drinking for some time,

= he's being controlling. (ask me how I know this)

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Originally posted by Ronin1069:
...her 8 year old asked daddy where the van was....he told the boy, “mommy drank too much and got arrested and they took our van”.

Yeah...that's a great thing to lay on an 8-year-old.

The husband sounds like a real gem.

Everybody fucks up. Some get caught, some don't. There's very few of us here who haven't, at some point, driven while over the limit, so there won't be any stones thrown from this direction. If it happens again, however, ....

Tell her to get a good lawyer and she may be able to get it reduced to a reckless driving. It'll cost her though.

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The husband sounds like a real gem.

We agree on this. My wife and I argue/disagree about lot's of stuff....never in a million years would either of us destroy the other in the minds of the kids.

Hopefully she can get the help she needs.

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Originally posted by Gustofer

There's very few of us here who haven't, at some point, driven while over the limit, so there won't be any stones thrown from this direction. If it happens again, however, ....

I've NEVER drank and drove. You people are why I have a dash cam.
It's all good until you kill someone huh?

She needs to take her punishment, 'cause she won't stop until she kills someone.

The husband didn't lie to the child.

^^^^^^
If my mother had been honest about my father's alcoholism rather than enabling it by covering for him, I would have grown into a much better, more astute adult. In other words, his alcoholism set me up for a very hard life, much harder than it had to be.

I don't accept that the husband reacted badly, or was being controlling, at least on this short narrative. She got herself drunk and got herself arrested. If he wants to save the family, or at least the child, the father has to take control of the situation.

My only suggestion, Ronin, is that alcoholics try to isolate family members from outside influence by causing breakups of friendships. For your nephew's sake, try to stay available to him, and offer a stable, sober adult influence (as I hope his father does) so he knows that the way his mother acted is not normal. My father's friends were all heavy drinkers, and he convinced me by his example that this was the way things were. Prove to your nephew that this is not the way it has to be.

We went through the same kind of thing with my sister-in-law, when she got her DUI. It didn't keep her from drinking and being an absolute idiot, and my wife got the brunt of it from her parents because my wife has always seemed to be the sounding board of her mom. It's a shit experience that is her fault alone, but definitely has a lot of ramifications or consequences for a lot more people than just her own.

Thanks for the feedback - trying to find that balance between supportive brother but not enabling her either.

My sister has always been ‘the victim’ and this is a similar situation.

quote:

Originally posted by Ronin1069:
Thanks for the feedback - trying to find that balance between supportive brother but not enabling her either.

My sister has always been ‘the victim’ and this is a similar situation.

Sounds like AA would help, but she has to be ready for that.

Yeah this can either be rock bottom and a place to go up from, or it can be a great place for the BIL to divorce and go for sole custody and drop your sister like a hot rock. Especially if he’s really the one footing the $$$ bill for her asshattery.

I don’t blame him for telling the kid the truth, it’s what actually happened and @ 7 years, he’s not too young IMO.

My father in law got himself a DUI shortly after his retirement. All of the kids were grown and out of the house but alcohol was always a present factor in the household. He chose to keep drinking, as many do, he just decided to learn from his mistake and make sure there was always another option for the ride home. Kids, grand-kids, or his wife would help out. Most of us were unwilling to tell him to quit and in the end it caught up to him with cancers in the liver, kidneys, and colon.

I'm not going to say she has to quit, only she can decide. Her family can help make suggestions. It sounds like she is at least willing to recognize her mistake.

At this point you may want to get together with the BIL and try to get a feel where he is really headed, while at the same time try to come up with a plan to help your sister make the choices she needs to make regarding her drinking and her family.

There is no cut and dried answer for everyone. Cold turkey and never looking back works for some but sometimes it takes years of patience and treatment. Maybe in your sisters case the child is enough, maybe her family is enough, in truth sometimes nothing is important enough to help someone make a change.

Good luck, I hope it works out for everyone involved.

Sorry to hear it. You'd know if you enabling her, which isn't too likely if you don't live in the same house.

I don't know that husband needed to tell the child ALL of that, or in that form, but you do need to be honest with children.

I hope she takes away the right lessons, and straightens up some.

Good luck.

(And no, not everyone has driven having had too much to drink. More that might care to admit it, but not everyone.)

quote:

Originally posted by Ronin1069:
Thanks for the feedback - trying to find that balance between supportive brother but not enabling her either.

My sister has always been ‘the victim’ and this is a similar situation.

BTDT with a family member, unfortunately you can't do a thing to help her, also if you do, you're conspiring against her.

Be supportive, tell her you're dissapointed, but love her, and then let her figure it out.

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Originally posted by ScreamingCockatoo:

quote:

Her husband has been concerned about her drinking for some time,

= he's being controlling. (ask me how I know this)

Honestly: I'm not trying to be argumentative here. I have to ask, because I don't understand, how being concerned equates to being controlling. Please explain?

An alcoholic will see intervention as being controlling to defend their need to stay drunk.
So if he tries to get her help I can almost wager she'll accuse him of being controlling and "abusive".

Live with an alcoholic and try it out.

^^^
What the bird sez.