By demented I mean suffering dementia or, more likely CTE. My BIL is a former race car driver/motorcycle racer who was pretty damn bad at it. He's had 5 near fatal wrecks, none of which occurred on a track, all involving head injuries. To make matters worse, although he got sponsored, he never made any money at it and worked at non-career type jobs where he could take off when he needed to "pursue his dream." As a result, he doesn't have much. He quit using computers because of Y2K back in '99. We finally got him to move from from the Bay Area to KY to escape an abusive relationship about two years ago. As we slowly realized he was losing it, we took over more of his life. He's still able to work, we helped him get a state job (where else would a dementia patient work) and they love him. We have him in an apartment not far away, and finally got him to have a hip replacement. Between medicare, social security, and his job, he does okay but the daily living thing is becoming a challenge. After physical therapy today, we took him to a comfortable restaurant for lunch and had a long talk about where he was headed, and tomorrow we take him for a neuro consult. Sadly, he'll likely end up in a state institution in a few years. He's got no wife, no kids, and his only living relative left is my wife. It makes me glad my wife and I made better decisions, but it is draining to take care of him. I don't need anything, just bitching.

Well you didn't say he owes you money, so there's that.

On a serious note, I can only say that what you suffer on earth will be rewarded in Heaven.

Father-in-law is 91 and is primary care-giver for my mother-in-law who is 86 and suffering from onset of dementia. She's partially blind from a bad case of shingles a couple years ago.

The man is a saint & does receive some support from my wife's sibling who live in the area but the majority is all on him. We just flew up & visited with them, god bless all who care for invalids and older folks with cognitive issues.

Thanks for the support. I'm fucking angry because this slacker MF is a leach on my wife, and me, now. If the fook had made any provisions...oh, it doesn't matter. He'll drain my wife emotionally as far as is possible. It's only been a few years since her mother was in a similar position-but had money. The emotional drain was horrific, but it cost very little. This worthless fook has nothing. Did I mention he had no contact with my wife of 40 YEARS? Not that I'm bitter. Once again, just bitching.

Without being trite,
A man has got to know his limitations.

I am no where near equipped to take on what you are going through.

I knew at age 14 that is never have children.

I new at 21 that I couldn't serve in a combat situation.

And you situation is another where I would not succeed.

My sister's husband has Dementia . She tried to take care of him at home but it was too much . He didn't even know who his wife was . He would walk out the door and just start walking . The Sheriff would have to find him and bring him home . He hit her a few times too . She put him in a Nursing Home but it wasn't the best situation . It was all she could afford . Finally one of his sons who has more money than he can spend moved him to a really nice facility . It costs thousands a month , but the son is paying for everything .

Yeah, we can't afford a decent facility when it comes to that. We were able to with her mother, but she had actually planned and had money for most of it. The grasshopper and the ant story never tells you the ant is going to have to end up carrying the grasshopper's lazy ass.

One of my siblings has had lifelong intellectual and physical disabilities which have only gotten worse. She now qualifies as at least moderate dementia on top of her other deficits. She's been in assisted living for more than 4 years, and was in community based programs for most of her adult life.

I am now her guardian, being the only remaining responsible living adult. Other family members are super happy to provide advice on what I should be doing but aren't stepping up to the table with time or action.

I've lived my entire life having to make special accommodations because of her. I don't blame my parents for being so concerned with her having the best possible situation or not having her feelings hurt, but at this point I do feel pretty burned out and short-tempered at times about the sacrifices.

My wife is an absolute angel in helping. I wouldn't be able to do this alone.

Anyhow, my point is that it isn't anyone else's responsibility to care for your BIL. He had his chances, he made his choices. Your wife has no obligation to him other than what she chooses to impose on herself.

You and she can only do what you can do, and you definitely have a higher duty to yourselves, each other, and your children if you have any.

You're right. At this point, he "knows better" than his doctor, and is overworking himself with the new hip. I told him if he drives, we're done with him (dr said no driving for 4 more weeks.) This is becoming ridiculous. Keep in mind, we're 8 years into this. Oh well. Maybe I'll dump it all and get a condo on the Mediterranean.

Seems that this is self inflicted. I don't think you are even morally obligated to give a shit. Hopefully he isn't dangerous. Plenty of stories of people with dementia offing family and others!!!

To make me even angrier, when my MIL developed dementia, he's one of the relatives who wouldn't step up. She was in care for 7 years, no a card, letter, visit or phone call. Maybe this is karma for him. One way or another, it will work out.